Aug 22, 2017
Cardamine 🌺 | do not edit without permission ♥
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Cardamine 🌺 | do not edit without permission ♥
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08.22.17— It is the twenty second hour of the twenty second of August and I cannot find my usual companion. I trash my desk and drawers yet still nothing. My eyes roam the room and my body feels like it is pumping a hundred liters of blood per millisecond and every split second that passes without the familiar cold metal in my left hand is as if my veins burst, so desperate for release.
In the background are voices of the two people who are supposed to be my home. Their words, oh their words, are knives slicing my wounds that are trying to heal but cannot for they keep tearing it open. I can not take it anymore. My hands wrap around my calves and then around my thighs. The voices have still not stopped as I heard mine scream louder than anyone else’s—stop you are hurting me! I do not recognize my own voice. At the back of my mind I know how foolish I am to plead but my own words betray me as I continue to repeat the same words over and over again. The voices are still there, loud and painful, so I keep the grip of a thousand men on my appendages until the voices, finally bereaved of any hurtful things to say, fade into silence.
They may have finished but my sorrow has not. My gaze darts to the cork board in front of me and there pinned is my accustomed steel wrapped in a sheet of paper and hiding in plain sight. I take it with steady hands and carve myself straight lines. I put it back somewhere I can easily find and let myself ogle at the aftermath. I look at my hands and notice the long fingernails I have nicely polished days ago but underneath is what disturbs me the most. Caught inside the curves of my nails are dead skin and remnants of flesh. Oh, I must have held myself too hard. This night has been too long and on my limbs are twenty crescent marks and ugly lines I do not want to count.
stay is all i wanted you to do stay even if the world goes blue believe in whatever we do in the future we do not have a clue
#4
love stories have been told
writing poems may seem too old
this love we’re trying to mold
let’s make it and continue to hold
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I love when you send me random nerdy computer science stuff. Especially on LinkedIn. I love you so much. I hate being without you. I hate watching you leave. I hate walking you to your car. Cause I just walk back inside without you. I hate waking up and not seeing you next to me. But it will be worth it when I don't have to watch you leave every night. When I can wake up next to you. You are my everything. Happy 1 year and 1 day my love.
August 22, 2017.
Two things to be happy about today! First one, it is a month since Fish has been a part of our family!!
Keeping this hyper furball a secret from you was honestly the biggest challenge. She moved around a lot the first time she came home. I remember... we brought her home and let her sniff around, immediately she went to gnaw at your things, so we had to be following her around everywhere. Then I took her to my place because at least she could gnaw things there and I didn’t really care but in the end she came back to your place and Ten kept her in his room. So many roadtrips in one week for this little one and after all she ended up in a place where she could see the both of us and call home. It has been a month since and she is so big now as compared to then, it’s almost sad T T. She will always be our tiny Fish still!
Second, and not less important at all, it’s our three months~!!! I know i have been a little bit busy today but you have no clue how happy and excited I feel. Oh my goodness, I had been waiting for this day to come around for what seems like years now and I know you had been waiting for it too. You always get so excited when the days start to get near and I think it’s adorable because you are so vocal about it. I love spending time with you and I was excited during our two months but I am much much more excited now that is three months, I like odd numbers and I like you. I can’t wait now for our four, five, SIX MONTHS. AHHHHH. God, this is so lame as compared to what you said to me just earlier but that’s fine because i am just so excited that we are together to celebrate this right now and we are going to do something nice later. Thank you again for giving me three months and more of your life and hopefully you can continue to give me a few more moments that we can share because I have hnestly not felt this kind of happiness with anyone in such a long long time and if i were to be without you at any point now I would honestly feel like nothing. You bring me joy, something to look forward to every night and after schedules, you are truly my happiness Kim Doyoung. Happy 3 months, angel.