Highly Meditated

What do i hope to do this year? If I’m looking at the start of the new year and trying to live MORE INTENTIONALLY, what does that look like? Rather than set a new years resolution this year, i decided to take more time each day to reflect, be present, and set a daily intention. 

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step”

I wish I had written more last year. More specifically, I wish I journaled during the near year that I was in therapy. Now that I’ve stopped going, I am looking back and thinking about the important takeaways, wishing I’d left myself notes about what to do.

For one, it’s overcoming negative thoughts. I know deep down that I’m capable of more but my inner-critique, that bitch, she loves to put me down and point out my past mistakes. I’m hoping that this mindfulness practice will allow me to drown out the negativity and focus on what’s really core to my happiness.

And wow is that a scary premise. How often do we really stop to ask ourselves “am I doing the things that make me happy?” I am often energized and excited about new possibilities, but then my inner-critique squanders my hope. I recently heard that one of the reasons it’s so hard to change our habits is because our mind relies on old memories and experiences as it’s only evidence of what we’re capable of. In other words, you fucked this up in the past ergo you will fuck it up again in the future. And for whatever reason, we tend to glob on to that mentality, rather than recalling the times we’ve succeeded, tried something new and was rewarded, set a goal and met it etc.

All this to say that I really want to RE-TRAIN my brain, so my inner dialogue isn’t so noisy and pessimistic that I’m unable to leave my comfort zone. That’s where I think I’ve settled into, and I know it’s way too easy to stay there. So I think for today my intention is to challenge my negative thoughts, so I’m writing down 10 great things that happened to me last year.

10 Wins on 2018

1. Practiced good boundaries at work and advocated for myself when I was given a huge duty that didn’t satisfy me (bleh data management!!) or meet in future career goals. It was well received and my part was scaled back.

2. Organized a photo shoot with 4 girls for Valentines boudoir. The photos turned out amazing and the girls all remarked about how much fun they’d had and how the sexy they felt. It was so rewarding to be a part of helping empower other females to own their bodies (something I’m also striving for!) 

I don’t understand why he needs to swoop in and save her every time...And I don’t understand why it bothers me so much. I don’t envy the circumstances, I don’t want to be a damsel in distress who gets “saved” by a man. I know that’s not who I am. And yet it seems for every women he’s loved has been her superman, who happily tends to her wounds and acts as her knight in shining armor. I’m so bothered that he’s there to support this girl in such above and beyond ways. The lengths that he has gone for her in the pasts are far, much further than that of an average friendship. Aren’t you supposed to reserve that level of commitment and support for the ones you love? Why does he do it? The history? Because there’s something else there? Because she’s mentally ill and he feels badly that she has no one else to run to? Well so am I, and while they’re not as severe my anxiety issues are not something he feels the urgent need to “fix;’ they simply seem to take a toll on him.

I’m doing what I can to curb my insecurity, to trust, to not listen to the negative voice that spews poisonous doubt into my head. I’m not asking him to hold me up, i’m just asking him to hold my hand. GAH why does this bother me so much?? Maybe because I know how she must feel about him when he comes to her aid in these moments of depression or panic, how I’m sure she recognizes the sweetness of his character and willingness to listen. He is the one she can run to when there’s no one else. I know that feeling well. And I’m positive that even if those feelings are just platonic and never romantic, he probably makes her feel SO cared for and protected. I guess even though I’m not a damsel, I don’t like that he plays that role for another girl. Maybe it’s selfish, but I feel I am the one who he should always want to protect. 

I have a therapist but since I go through Kaiser (only a $35 co-pay), I’m only able to see her about every 5-6 weeks, which is really not cutting it for me. Also getting into the office is never conveinent, and I sometimes have to leave work early or go in beforehand.

Now I’m considering online therapy because I’m in a particularly rough patch and I know that I need to talk to someone about it, and there’s no one presently in my life that I can turn to for these issues. 

Just wondering if anyone has used Talkspace (or a similar online therapy service) and can share their experience?? 

I’d say the biggest drawback for me right now is price. Even though $34/week ($128/month) is a lot cheaper than paying out-of-pocket, it’s certainly a lot more than I pay for my in-person therapist, who I still plan to continue seeing. I know my mental health is extremely important, but I’m worried about trying to factor that into my budget.

I also have reservations about receiving counseling through text. I like the idea of the convienence, but body language and intonation are such an important factors when reading people! 

Tumblr used to be my outlet, a place I could write about the ins and out of life without fear or reservation. And perhaps in losing that freedom I have lost an essential part of who I am: a writer. I can’t tell you what it is that I need to get out, but I’m certain I’ll find out. All I can tell you is theres’ an itch to express, a need to feel the void with a voice that’s unheard except for in this realm.

I can’t tell you what I need to write about. But I could venture a guess or two. I am pleasantly ignorant to the issues going on back home. Not pleasantly, really, because no part of living with questions tugging at your gut is pleasant. But the truth might be just as gut-wrenching, and my heart and mind have to be strong enough to take the blow. As much as we try, can we really “brace ourselves” for heartache, even when we see it coming a mile away? Sometimes there is no way to soften the truth.

I’m a quarter of a century old, and yet I am so keenly attached to my childhood dream-like vision of love that I can’t cope with the reality of how messy it can truly be. I want to believe that not every story ends in staleness, bitterness, and infidelity, but as I search around the world for evidence my pursuance is thin. Where do I find the reassurance that the world won’t crumble beneath my seemingly solid stance?