How deftly I obfuscate the wound behind my mask
The insatiable despair that spoils all good things
Suppressed to project a more palatable illusion
Like defeat wrapped in the trappings of hope
Trying not to disrupt a theater of light-hearted fun
I read my lines on cue and smile awkwardly
I play my part in this game of
Knowing if I just keep acting maybe I’ll actually feel it
“Fake it until you make it”
is what they tell me, when
it’s the easiest task anyone has
Oscar with my acting skills
Now and then some will see clear through my ruse
Offering tried remedies and well-intentioned words
I appreciate the effort, but it never helps
If only there really was a simple panacea
To vanquish these nuanced and complex demons
Weaving my doubts into a degrading feedback loop
I wish there was a pill so I can stop the
People telling me I’m just exaggerating or no one truly helping me
When I’m vulnerable enough to be
This stormy cloud over my head won’t leave me alone
The ghosts swirling around my head desire to haunt me
even when I wake to sunshine on a clear cloudless day
It’s all just a beautiful nightmare
Depression is a cursed weight to endlessly tote
It makes the safeguarding of joy seem Sisyphean
If only I could crack the puzzle and allay
A recurring dream to wash my mind in sweet relief
To escape the toxic romance of progress and relapse
Which gradually erodes my resolve to try again
The escape are dreams when
Sleeping more than one should is always tempting
As a way to escape reality and into a happy fantasy land
where everything is perfect
There’s no pain, no suffering, no depression, and no mental illness of any kind
Wishing it could last forever but then I wake up
and realize my reality isn’t
An yet I will always continue to work to get to my dream
because who doesn’t love a
A happy ending may not be in the cards
I suppose I won't know until I draw out the deck
For now I must continue on with the facade
To pretend and smile for the sake of others
Maybe one day I will find my way past this
Learning how to mend the broken vessel of my joy
For now I will keep on walking and go
Hoping to have clear skies instead of stormy ones
So I can have a clear path to truly
A haunting collaboration with @404writewords (italics) and @that-girl-in-glasses1995 (bold).