Why am I still here

“Whoa, check out Dave’s stick” 

Her name is Pigeon and she gets excited when it’s time to put on her chair 

“kiddo”

“buddy”

inform a friend to ensure you’re never left alone with them

refer to own age in conversation

“yeah, I know I look young, but you wouldn’t BELIEVE how awkward it is being mistakenly hit on by a teenager!”

upon that child turning 18:

“Happy birthday, kiddo!”

“Have you registered to vote yet?”

- someone with green hair, in a hospital gown, chugging a bottle of wine and holding up a copy of the communist manifesto…dare I say, mood? 

- a gorgeous guy who set his gender to ‘Thor’ and his job as ‘God of Thunder’. admittedly, he does look like a god, but face wise I’d put him closer to Will Friedle than Chris Hemsworth 

- someone who just straight up had a different person in all nine pictures provided. at least they’re upfront about catfishing lol

- A girl that I went to high school with came up but the thing is….until I saw her face, I had completely forgotten about this girl’s existence. I had absolutely no memories of her until I was forced to. This wasn’t even some random person I passed in the halls, I ate lunch with her every day, we had multiple classes together, we got along fine….it was like my mind had been erased….what the fuck. High School Makes Fools of Us All.

- an account named ‘Daddy Daycare’ with the only picture cropped to look like Eddie Murphy was getting pounded

- I matched with an account named ‘Kill Bill’ and the only picture provided was of Shrek

- Am I Not Supposed To Know What Tom Holland Looks Like

- a girl had a pic of her in a spiderman costume but we didn’t match which means somehow she saw the pic of me in a hulk mask and didn’t realize we’re soulmates??

- a guy messaged me ‘hi’ in like February and I just got a another message from him saying ‘okay I took a few weeks to recover but now I’m back and ready for more rejection’ and it made me laugh so hard I’m seriously considering responding lmao

- someone asked ‘do you have any hulk hands to match?’ and I genuinely have no idea how to respond

- I matched with a joke Danny Devito account and I messaged them ‘danny devit-hoe’ and they unmatched with me :(

- Am I Not Supposed To Know What Dove Cameron Looks Like

- someone trying to sell guinea pigs

- Am I Not Supposed To Know What Brendon Urie Looks Like

- someone included a screenshot of their credit score in the pictures

- “I’m as fun as I look!” *is scowling in every single picture*

mosquito does mean little fly