1,001 Smiles

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Money talks. Mine generally says "Bye!"

A man walks into a pet store and asks for some ants, three mice, a family of cockroaches and 15 spiders.   "What do you need all these for?" the shopkeeper asks. The man answers, "I'm moving out of my apartment this afternoon, and the landlord says I have to leave it exactly as I found it."

998) Daily tasks

"You know it's going to happen, and there's nothing you can do about it."

996) Elephant whisperer

A man goes into a bank and asks them to check his balance. The teller pushes him over.

"Because they're shellfish."

"I don't like Brussels sprouts!"

992) Nature's gift

Two TV antennae meet and fall in love. The wedding was quite boring, but the reception was great!

The school secretary answered the phone in the office. "I'm sorry," said a deep voice, "but Eddie will not be attending school today as he is unwell." The secretary asked who was speaking. "My father," said the voice.

"I know — but I was in love and didn't notice at the time."

To tackle loneliness, try enjoying the company of the person you're alone with.

To make a mountain out of a molehill is great for the eagle, not so good for the mole.

"My poor fellow, why not carry a watch?" said Herbert Beerbohm Tree (1852–1917), when he saw a man in the street struggling to carry a grandfather clock.

A pianist is playing the piano in a bar. A customer comes up to him and says: "Do you play things on request?" "Yes." says the pianist. "Terrific! play cards," says the customer.