James Acaster: Cold Lasagne Hate Myself 1999

Bonus:

Like, have you ever heard of the Murphy Party? Sometimes called the  Stephens-Townsend-Murphy Party? They were the first wagon train of the pioneers to make it over the Sierra Nevada, two full years before the Donners tried it, first of the american pioneers to reach the shores of lake Tahoe, first licensed physician in California, etc. etc. Ten families, about fifty people, not a single casualty (they actually arrived with more people than when they left). Because when the Donners picked the most charismatic city boy as their leader, the Murphys picked a mountain man. Where the Donners decided to take a “shortcut” that was completely impassable based on a letter they got from somebody who wanted to drum up business for a trading post he was building but who had never actually driven a wagon, the Murphys scouted properly and stuck to paths their vehicles could actually traverse. Where the Donners decided to shoot at the people who were already living in the area, the Murphys asked the natives for directions. When they got snowed in, they sent a few men on ahead to bring back supplies to the rest of the party after building a sturdy cabin for shelter, instead of trying to hole up in shoddy tents and lean-tos before eating each other.

Not to mention all the idiotic in-fighting in the Donner party; they were constantly brawling or stabbing each other or exiling people or just leaving old men on the side of the path to die or “accidentally” shooting their rivals while cleaning weapons, while literally hundreds of other wagon trains somehow made it through the same trials without any murder.

For one, yes, they trusted the advice of a stranger and perhaps that wasn’t smart. But not as stupid as suggested. Most of the party were European immigrants without much knowledge of the American West, and so they were more apt to trust the words of American-born guides who presented themselves as backwoods experts. Landsford Hastings was one such man: he stationed himself along the Oregon trail and encouraged travelers to take a “newly-discovered” shortcut that was supposed to save some 350mi.

One thing that is important to understand: saving time was incredibly important, and the window to travel cross-country was narrow. Leave too soon, and your wagons were stuck in spring mud; leave too late, and you wouldn’t be able to cross the Sierra-Nevada Mountains before first snowfall. It was a five-month journey with a six-month window. A 350mi shortcut would be an incredible time saver. The Party received a letter from Hastings himself (who wrote a whole book on pioneering routes) inviting them along as he showed the way along his “Hasting’s Cut-Off”. A shortcut with a seemingly reputable lead? Too good to be true!

The problem is that they arrived too late: Hastings already departed with other wagon trains. He left directions stuck to trees. But the road was much harder than originally thought for wagons. A few men actually rode ahead and found Hastings, who offered to come back and show them the easiest route through the cutoff (Hastings ended up only leaving vague directions). The Party decided to do this rather than turn back to the traditional trail, believing it would work out better for them in the end. (Keep in mind that the Party was at the rear of the general migration, and time was of the essence: turning back might waste more time than pushing through).

It ended up being the wrong choice. It was mid-August by the time they made it to the Great Salt Lake. A letter from Hastings indicated they had just a few days hard travel ahead across a bare mountain. When they got to the other side and definitely too late to turn back, the Party found the Great Salt Flats, an 80mi stretch of dessert that lasted six days. Many Party members had to abandon wagons, fatigued oxen, and supplies.

When they arrived on the other side, they actually did send several men ahead to retrieve supplies. Then they found another 40mi of dessert. Everyone hated Hastings but they had no choice but to push ahead. When they finally rejoined the main trail, they ended up wasting a whole month–it was now late September, and they had only two months to cross the Sierra Nevada range before snowfall.

Along the way, Native Americans consistently shot or stole all their cattle: the Party didn’t “shoot first”; many of the NA presented themselves as friendly first before taking advantage of them. In fact, they actually had two N.A. (Miwok I think?) join their party around this point. One of the Party leaders (Reed) was banished, because a man had hit him and his wife and he retaliated with a knife to the heart. Everyone had to walk because the oxen were so weak. One man, who was in his 70s, could not keep up, and so the Party was forced to leave him behind less they lose another precious day. Many families ran out of supplies. They had to cross more dessert. One of the two men sent ahead way back now arrived with some rations and finally, the Party arrived at the Truckee River Valley, much more lush. By now, it was mid-October. They had to choose between resting their very important cattle, or pushing through the last few weeks of mountains.

I can’t emphasize enough how important time was, and the Party had to face a 1000ft nearly vertical slope with their wagons. Like, the Donner family was a little behind everyone else, like 5mi, and that was half a day’s journey. They reached a pass in the mountains (now called Donner Pass) right when snow began to fall in late October–sooner than usual. The snowdrifts were monstrous. It was an overnight blizzard. The Party tried to forge ahead, and failed each time because the snow was so deep.

They did not, as the above claims, ride out the winter in tents and shoddy lean-tos. There were a few cabins at the lake from previous pioneers, and many families constructed their own. They weren’t great, mind you– there’s only so much inexperienced families can do during freezing blizzards. Only one family made a lean-to in the main group (the Donners, i believe, did make a tent down at Alder Creek, I presume because they had less manpower: they had only six men, but three women and twelve children). They had almost no professional supplies because they had been abandoned earlier in the dessert, so doors, windows, and a proper roof or floor, most cooking utensils, rugs, etc. were not available to them. There was 60 people crammed in these three cabins at the pass at Truckee Lake.

On Nov 4th it snowed again for eight days. The snow was impossible deep. Here’s a picture of the stumps of the trees that the Party cut down for fire/cabins:

Most of the oxen died and their bodies were frozen and stacked, but they were starved and had little meat on them. Hunting proved very little luck with no bait (I think they managed a bear and a deer, but they were too unfamiliar with lake trout to catch the fish). All the supplies the frontmen had brought back had since run out.

By late November they had tried pushing through across the peak multiple times, and each failed. These people were starving and pretty damn desperate. They pretty much reboiled the same oxbones over and over for weak broth. Then they began boiling the oxhide to make a disgusting gloopy soup. I believe some of the kids started eating the oxhide rugs they had (something like 70% of the Donner-Reed Party were kids). By January these people dying from starvation and malnutrition. They even began to eat the now-rotting oxhides that served as their roofs.

A group of people (nicknamed the Snowshoe Party) tried an expedition to seek help across the mountain range, toward California. Of the fifteen who departed (which included their two Miwok friends), half died en route. It was easy to get lost and snowblinded (i.e. sunburn your corneas from reflected sunlight). Those who didn’t starve suffered hypothermia and frostbite. This is when they first resorted to cannibalism, using the flesh of those who had already died from other causes. The two Miwoks deserted, later found half-dead: one man shot them both for food, believing it to be their last chance.

I am deeply suspicious of this supposed Washoe testament, because it just doesn’t make much sense. For one, the Donner-Reed Party had already proven themselves more than willing to work with Native Americans. For another, when a nearby Miwok tribe found the Snowshoe Party, no one in the party refused their help, shot at them, etc. They accepted the aid gratefully. A Miwok then lead them to the edge of the Sacramento Valley, where they mustered up a rescue party for those still back at Donner Pass/Truckee Lake. (The journey had taken them more than a month since they left).

Reed–the dude the others had banished earlier because they were convinced he was a cold murderer– had actually made it over the mountains by October, as he could travel faster alone. But he was very worried when his family and friends did not show up and was responsible for the initial rescue mission.

Here’s the thing: getting back to where the others were at Truckee Lake was so incredibly difficult, they had to do it in three trips (not counting the initial ones where they had to turn back several times). Several experienced, career mountain men died on the mission, so this idea that if they just had mountain men they would have been fine is BS.

By the time the first rescue party made it there, it was already mid-February: four months since the Donner-Reed Party was first stranded. What they found was terrible. So many people had died of starvation, and the residents had turned to eating their relatives’ remains. Can you imagine how desperate you had to be to eat your father’s month-old frozen liver while your mother cried, as the Donner children had to? Rescuers described the cabins as horrific: one woman had gone insane, living in filth with the children she watched over; another woman, when she saw the rescuers, asked in disbelief, “Are you men from California, or do you come from heaven?” The residents were described as living skeletons.

Many of the Party died en-route down from the mountain, like the Snowshoe Party before them. One of the men was so starving that when they finally made it to safety, he ate so much, so quickly that he died from shock. The second rescue wasn’t able to reach the remaining residents until early March, and the third not until mid-March. The last person to leave the camp alive was in late April.

Does the desperation of these people, willing to eat their sons, daughters, friends, the rotting oxhide strips of their leaking roofs, sound like the people who would deny aid and food out of some weird pride thing? Either the Washoe story is misconstrued, misremembered, made-up, or else they were driven off out of a real mental delusion of the insane residents.

The Donner-Reed Party was not a bunch of dumbasses who got “just desserts” and turned to cannibalism because they felt like it. They were naive people who felt the time constraints of the great migration to California, taken in by promises by supposedly reputable people in the trade. The should have turned back immediately after it was apparent that Hasting’s Cut-Off was unsuitable for wagons, but everything after that was dealing with the consequences of it. They did scout ahead. They did send men ahead for supplies. They did accept Native American help.