who has the fattest ass in the inheritance cycle
Anon, I am honored that you've entrusted me with investigating one of the most important unanswered questions in the Inheritance Cycle. Finally, an intellectual brave enough to ask the real questions...
After extensive scholarly review of the source material, my findings are as follows:
Shruikan: 11/10. He is so absurdly huge that Eragon initially mistakes the side of his hind feet for an entire shin. His body is a "wall too steep and too high for any to climb." If he sat down too hard, Urû'baen would be reduced to a crater.
Freowin: 9/10. This dwarf is described as immensely "corpulent," with hands folded over an "ample belly." If the front porch is that impressive, common sense suggests there's a substantial deck out back.
Saphira: 10/10. People forget she is not just beautiful, but powerfully built. She has "massive thighs" and explosive launch power. Eragon probably avoids walking directly behind her because one tail flick could rearrange his entire skeleton.
Roran: 6/10. After years of "digging holes for fence posts, hauling rocks, and pitching hay," his muscles are described as "large and round." You could probably bounce a brass button off those cheeks. Katrina saw the vision before the rest of us.
The Unnamed Empire Trader: 9/10. He is described as having such "enormous girth" that every movement he makes causes his chair to "protest loudly." This man isn’t just hauling wagons, he is the wagon.
Belgabad: 12/10. The undisputed champion. His ribs are EIGHTY FEET LONG. Galbatorix harvested materials from his corpse because he was simply too colossal. The final verdict leaves no room for doubt: he was dummy thicc, and the thunderous clap of his ass cheeks could be heard from leagues away.
Nasuada’s Jailer: 9/10. “Portly” with “fleshy cheeks.” The strain of walking literally makes him wheeze with effort, and he has a "dainty" stride for emphasis. The evidence speaks for itself.
Orik: 7/10. Stocky, muscular, impossible to knock over. Seven toes per foot means this man is built like a fortress. There is simply more surface area supporting that badonkadonk than the average human. Hvedra married him for a reason.
Íorûnn: 10/10. Eragon himself admits she cuts a "striking figure" and possesses a "voluptuous ease" that has him constantly blushing and his ears burning. Paolini has cited Mae West as an inspiration, which tells you everything you need to know.
🥇 Belgabad (12/10)
🥈 Shruikan (11/10)
🥉 Saphira / Íorûnn (10/10, tie)
4. Freowin, The Empire Trader, Nasuada's Jailer (9/10, tie)
5. Orik (7/10)
6. Roran (6/10)
Eragon: Farm-boy lifestyle plus years of horseback riding, dragon riding, sword training, and Rimgar (yoga/pilates) exercises suggest solid fundamentals and a sizable peach. Unfortunately, long periods of overwork at Mount Argnor have cost him at least three belt notches, keeping him in lean-athlete territory.
Murtagh: Courtly dancing, lifelong horsemanship, and years riding Thorn imply a respectable build, but recent descriptions post-exile consistently emphasize how lean, gaunt and wolfish he looks.
Arya: Elves are working from a disadvantage here. They're incredibly strong, but they're also described as remarkably lean (Saphira outright says Arya is "rather shapeless.") Arya has a sleeper build rather than a show build.
Nasuada: Impossible to rank accurately. Paolini refuses to provide the necessary data, as she is always dressed and described modestly. The archives remain inconclusive.
Katrina: Descriptions focus almost entirely on her hair, resilience, and general appearance. Any attempt at ranking would be irresponsible scholarship.
As always, I may have overlooked key evidence, so these findings should be treated as preliminary until further peer review becomes available.
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