Please help (wall of text)
Ok I know I usually donāt post often enough around at all , but my real life situation is getting down-right disgusting to the point ofĀ lethality. I have to get something off my chest , or it would consume me.
For the past few years have been a struggle for me , a big tug of war of emotions and personal struggles , revolving around my living situation and my parents whom Iāll talk about here in a moment, Iām not the best writer but I will try my best to explain the situation regarding these details
Iām 21 years old and I feel like i should die. This isn't right at all. I know i should get help , but I canāt get it.
As a person iām very very limited on my own options , the current living location is less then ideal as its super far away from any possible places to work at or seek help. not even my parents would drive me , and yes, I live with them, and i really wish I didn't , It is a prison.
That being said , my parents, are probably the worst thing in my life these past few years , the very same people I had loved for all my life, whom I thought I knew are tyrannical stone hearted assholes with a Iron-clawed grip on every fiber of my being. Iām choking up over here. They constantly use me to every little petty thing and never assisting me with my endeavors to become my own individual person. iām shackled to do whatever they want. And im going insane. I cannot rely on them or trust them, or feel safe. my father is aggressive and uncompassionate , and my mother expects me to fucking read her mind.
I really fucking hate promises.
most recent examples I can bring up are the constant cases of neglect.
The only person I can rely on is my sister , whom has watched over me grow up to the person I am today , I love her with all my heart, but my parents do not share the same feelings. they never helped her with her mental disorder she had , they just thought she was using it as an excuse.
Earlier this year a few days before my birthday, my brother had a problem and he has a similar issue of being suppressed constantly. was trying to hide himself away in his room like I usually do, but instead of entertaining himself as normal , just wanted to sleep as he was complaining of a terrible chest ache and wasnāt quite able to do all of the manual and heavy lifting our frail bodies could muster up (all that moving and shit was with our moms hoarder junk) , my parents on the other hand didn't quite take his pleas seriously enough , and bitched at him in quite degrading ways on a daily basis, telling him toĀ ācut the crapā more often then not, and thatās just sugarcoating it.Ā
My Brother was not faking it , Him and I knew this was something serious as his breathing was labored he was really pale as well, using his phone we had called our sister to explain what was going on , and upon hearing what had been happening to our brother she went absolutely ballistic calling our mom up to ask what the fuck was being done about it., not that the emotional response was uncommon but she absolutely was disgusted by how my brother was treated as she herself was treated terribly as such when growing up. And by the next morning our sister drives on up and kicks the fucking door down to liberate my brother and I, we packed our stuff as my mom was absolutely fuming and fighting it out with my sister , It took a while , but me and my sis got our brother out and in the van, I was unable to stay with her as she couldnāt afford any food for me so I was dropped off to spend time at a friend I have known from high school. , My brother on the other hand was rushed straight to the hospital for urgent care.
and after that ordeal We where kicked out and barred from returning home , I was completely devastated at the cold-hearted assfaced stare and aggressive messages my mother spout off , disowning us telling me and my brother toĀ ālive with Satanās bitchā, and completely cut contact with us.
the next few nights where the coldest fucking nights iāve been through.
after the first morning , on my birthday, my sister called my friends phone and gave the longest record of her history with my parents and related family , there was a whole new side of the story I could have never begun to even imagine, She was downright beaten to a pulp as a child just because she couldn't function normally.Ā
The hour after that I learned my brother was severely close to dying from pneumonia. one more day without treatment would have cost him his life.
And what did our parents react? by not even giving a shit. they even let my brother take all of the 50k medical bill. the fuck.
All this happening on my birthday.
Only after that was not the end of my issues with home and or neglect.
Past few months or so Iāve been increasingly disturbed with conflicting notions of destroying myself , everything being so bleak and hopeless, and absolute ruin seemed more then likely then ever before. constant nose bleeds where common enough for me. and the way my sister put it , thought I had a mental disorder such as herself.Ā
My parents however always to pretend promise to get me to a mental hospital on multiple occasions , only to wind it down to follow some stupid instruction videos for products they bought then had not a single fuck to learn them. that was myĀ ātherapyā It was madding , curling up at night with this terrible horrible sensation of abandonment from friends., and the gripping crush of a heart torn to shreds from somebody i knew. , I felt like I would be forced to miss the life I wanted to have, and to be with the people that actually fucking care, I wanted to feel loved , but I would never get it here, This place would be my grave. And fuck if i didn't already smell like a corpse , I sure as hell did now.
the list continues , Most recent example and probably the douchiest thing Iāve ever fucking suffered through. and you know my parents are the worst at medical care, I understand its costly.
Few weeks ago possible a month ago even I started to develop a rather constant and mucus ridden cough , I couldnt go three minutes without a cough , it lasted for a week even, and for that time it didnt feel quite so bad. I asked for some medicine to relive it , but what i was given would not work after a couple days I asked to be taken to the doctors for a check up every day, and mind you they are the only ones around that can drive, as I sure as fuck never was taught by them. my sister was away at the time as well.Ā
Every single day they shrugged it off my doctors appointment for personal pleasure or some other reason.Ā
Eventually the coughs would become stronger, often making my chest hurt extremely or cause me to become dizzy to the point of passing out, They still never bothered to take me to get looked at , or even pick up something as simple asĀ Robitussin beforehand . and all this time that i even brought up the pains they would simply bitch at me to stop whining , I just wanted to get some medicine and they clearly did not want to listen.Ā
My parents took my brother out one day for stuff I couldnt quite remember , still quite sick and coughing so i had woke up really late , I could imagine its how my brother was feeling all that time ago , the chest pain gripping like a motherfucker, probably harder then before. The coughs at this point where knocking me the fuck down, It was starting to hinder my functions at a rapid rate, that i decided this was enough and started to panic , calling my brother on up to ask him how he felt when he was sick all that time ago, and sure enough it was uncannily similar, I tried telling my parents over the phone that something was really really wrong with me as best I could with what little breath I had , I was struggling to breathe at this point. and my bones felt like they would break at any moment.
āOh honey , we will be back soon!ā Fucking no they wouldnātĀ
After that I tried to lay on my back as to relieve the aching in my chest, and one violent fit of coughing later, made me pass the fuck out cold for three hours. parents STILL not home and I felt like dying , my limbs feeling on fire , it stings to even remember that pain. , I tried to talk on skype , to hopefully get some help from friends, but it was extremely difficult as the small breaths i was getting was not enough to effectively type at all. I got the message across to one of my friends, whom Iām thankful so much for being there and had my information, Called an ambulance for me. I was was worried at first, my mother would not be happy, plus the cost would not be cheap ,being so far out in the countryside. but fuck it if I wasnt dying then and there. I called my brother on up telling him that if they where not going to do anything at all for me , then iād take that ambulance,
and it seemed like that was going to work on out , til my mother called me on up. sheĀ āpromisedā me she would be home in an hour, andĀ āpromisedā me that they would get me to a hospital ASAP so they wouldnt have to pay for the ambulance, I reluctantly agreed that it would have cost an arm and a leg (but shit if i didnt feel like i was going to lose both sets of limbs) And so then I fucking waited, a pair of police officers came on by on behalf of my friend asking me if i needed an ambulance, and being the gullible sucker I as , hoping that my parents would actually take care of an ill son , turned them away,Ā
I waited another hour before passing the fuck out on the living room carpet , then another two hours unable to move , Iāve fallen and could not get up. My mind was a mess, every single cell was crying as I laid there wondering what I did wrong to deserve this punishment and neglect, Turns out my parents forgot about me, and went to a party at a bar. after i cried all that time on the phone trying to get them home.
after they did get home at night , my brother helped pick me up from the couch I had climbed onto to get into the van, where i was finally expecting to get some treatment , and after one broken promise the trend surely couldnāt continue right? , Well during the drive, they changed there minds from the hospital , to fucking CVS , My chest was already on the brink of exploding , and they decide to skimp out on actual medical care for CVS, my bitch of a mother pulled this out of her ass. āmy bank account is more important then you.ā There is something seriously wrong with her.
That night was the most painful sleepless night iāve ever had, I was in absolute screaming agony for hours on end. I wanted to die.
I cannot live here any longer, im going to die here after living a hollow life , I want to live dam it , and reach my dreams, not to be a sickly slave all my life for my greedy ass parents, I need some place to live some advice, anything at all So I donāt have to live with this gnawing fear of suicide. Iām unable at all to even produce any artwork with how shitty im feeling , even though i want to.Ā
Please, If there is anyone that can rescue me from this hell , I need solutions. And a home to stay if most of all. Iām at the edge here, and im unsure how long i will last like this.
Like i said iām not a writer , and this is the best I can do to describe everything.
But fuck me if iām not dying.
jbbartram-illu
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