Hey yall I had a fuckin thoughtÂ
So, as itâs roughly explained, the state alchemist program is a kind of ârecruit potential human sacrificesâ mechanism, with a side-order of âbrute strength for the armyâ. But basically, the state alchemist title is mostly about being a researcherâgiven people like Shou Tucker exist, and given that the only requirement to stay a state alchemist is to submit a yearly report of your research that says âlook Iâm still being a useful scientistâ.
So far, so far this is sensible, yeah? Father and the delightful children from down the lane are running a recruitment program for potential human sacrifices. So sureâbutter them up! Give them lots of money, get them buddy-buddy with the government, and give them endless resources for research. Itâs be pretty easy to trick a state alchemist in that position to open the portal if Sugar DaddyBradley is nudging them to do it.
And Iâm still willing to go with this logic for the whole âdraft the state alchemists into warâ move. They make it pretty clear that was something of a last-ditch effort. And the blood transmutation circle around Amestris was an absolute necessity for Fatherâs plan. So the risk of a few state alchemists dying or resigning from your Potential Sacrifice Pool is worth it for the completion of the circle.
Now. To get to my fucking thought.Â
Edward fucking Elric. This fucking fight-me 12 year old troglodyte shows up to the exam and performs circle-less transmutation in front of mother fucking Bradley, demonstrating to one of the seven Actual Fucking Homunculi that heâd already opened the portal. Ed was literally prepped as a human sacrifice before he showed up to Central. A fully set human sacrifice showed up at the homunculiâs door, said âhey look what I can do!â, proved heâd opened the mother fucking portal already, and said âhey yeah hire meâ. Human sacrifice, free shipping, no assembly required, handcuffs not included!
They could have just tossed Ed into a shoebox and kept him there until the Promised Day. They wouldnât even need to make up an excuse he attacked the f u c k i n g president. Thatâs fucking treason babey. Heâs 12, heâs an orphan, heâs from a rural town in buttfuck nowhere, heâs literally the easiest person alive to disappear. They could have arrested him for assassination crimes, kept him in gay baby jail, and just popped him out for the Promised Day
What do they do instead?! âOh lmao this kidâs great. Letâs give him infinite money, no supervision, no governmental responsibilities, access to all our secret resources, and toss him on a train to who-the-fuck-knows-where-landâ
They fucking did that
And like? They then had the audacity to be concerned when Edward âFight Meâ Elric almost got himself killed about 293 times. Just an endless game of âI thought u were watching himâ from one homunculus to another when Ed fucking absconds half-way across the globe to go entice some other hostile entity into murdering him to death. Thatâs the whole series. Every arc is Ed baiting death while the homunculi are in the background like â:/ wish he wouldnât do thatâ
This only gets worse when you consider they later learned Al opened the portal too because really?? These two stab-happy globe-trotting public menaces are 40% of your final evil plan for godhood. 40%. Almost half. You couldnât fucking set aside a cardboard box to keep these idiots in?
We all knew Father was terrible at planning when we learned his thousands-of-years-in-the-making-plan involved him procrastinating until the last five minutes to get his last sacrifice, while he was?? playing chess in his fucking basement, I guess. But itâs like every time I think about it like really think about it I find 7 more reasons Father was a fucking shit idiot moron, king of the stupid fucking idiot club, flesh and blood founder of seven other established dumbasses, all living in their idiot hovel under central, just giving random dumbass 12 year olds infinite money, j u s t b e c a u s e.
People in the replies trying to explain Fatherâs actions fall into one of three categories
Father didnât baby-gate Ed because humans are like ants to him and he had no concept of how thoroughly Ed and co. could fuck his shit up
Father and the Hot Topic Brigade didnât lock Ed up because they recognized the unbridled chaotic 12-year-old energy compressed into such a small vessel and they understood no jail cell on earth would reliably hold this thing
Father and his sin-sonas didnât put Ed in a box because locking Ed away in their lair would mean dealing with Edward Elric day-in and day-out in their own home for the next four years and frankly even godhood isnât worth certain flavors of hell.
