Bent, Not Broken

I've worn a scarlet F for 346 days branded on my chest. I've been told my illness isn't real. I don't cry about it. I don't complain. I try to ignore it and just be a normal 23 year old girl. When I hurt I make excuses. I don't act like its debilitating when it is. "She doesn't look sick." I've been poked and prodded and scanned and examined like a science experiment for 3 years. I've been accused of being an attention seeker, a drug seeker. Some days I wake up and I can't walk, I can't think, I can't breathe, my skin hurts, my head hurts, and all I want to do is crawl into a dark hole and just die. Not because I'm depressed and I want to kill myself, but because most days I wake up in such excruciating pain that death honestly seems like a logical answer. At least I wouldn't be in pain. It's effected every aspect of my life, my livelihood, my hopes, my dreams, and my goals. It keeps me from spending time with my friends and family, excel at the activities I used to, my ability to focus on my studies. It makes me apologize for disappointing the people I love, apologize for things I cannot control. It makes me hesitate going further in my nursing career when I know I'm a better caregiver because of it. Because I understand what it's like to be scared and to hurt. Today I was denied treatment, and again told my illness isn't real. I've worn a scarlet letter on my chest for 346 days. I have lived in an ever increasing hell that is being trapped inside my body for the past three years. If there is one thing I can tell you about Fibromyalgia is that it is very fucking real. If there's one reason I keep going, I keep fighting. It's because of the people who support me when I cannot support myself. It's to find a cause and cure. It's to tell every asshole like the one I encountered today to get off their high horse and take another person's pain seriously. To use their medical education to treat the ill without bias, or discrimination. Here's to another $50 spent on a specialist. Another two hours of my life being degraded, two hours I'll never get back. Here's to the scans and blood work I declined. Here's to being in bed by 7pm on a Tuesday. Fibromyalgia isn't real? I guess it's all in my head, and brain didn't get the memo.

Getting positive feedback on my tumblr is incredible. So I'm going to take the time to invite everyone into my inbox to ask questions as they see fit. I never imagined anyone would read the words I shoot from the hip, so I'd like to share some of the good that's been happening. In 8 weeks I will graduate with my associates degree which has been an insanely long time coming. I don't really have any poetic words for it, I'm just nervous and excited. In 8 weeks a whole new set of doors are going to open for me and for that I'm thankful. What I'm doing now, what I've got going on now, I've in a sense outgrown. Never better, just ready for something new. Better opportunities and better environments. More positivity, more knowledge. I think that's the most thing to remember when graduating. To stay humble, but stay hungry for more. Graduating also means a new job, which means moving out. To where? No clue. I cannot decide at all. At this point it all boils down to where ever I accept my new job position. As someone who's always planned every tiny detail of every single aspect of my life, the not knowing is pretty exhilarating. Also, I'll be rescuing a new pug, and officially giving Daisy a sibling. His name is Mugsy, he's ten years old, and I'm head over tail in l o v e with his cute little squish faced. I'm absolutely certain he will blend with our little fur family very well. >>---> Just follow your arrow where ever it points. <---<<

Hopefully my stories continue to inspire and help someone else. That’s the only reason I’m sharing.

When shit hits the fan do you buckle? Cause I don't. I don't run from challenges, or life's struggles. I can't. Because I have one life to live, and it might not always be fun, but I'm here and I'm going to make the best of it. My life is at times a living hell but I'm thankful for it. My life has been at times a holy nightmare but I'm better because of it. I've confused being liked for being valued, and been a punching bag instead of a human being, but at the end of each day I'm still standing. I wear my life's battle scars like badges across my chest, and I let my wounds shape me not define me. "Feed me to the wolves and I'll come out the leader of the whole pack." Life isn't a fairytale, I'm sorry to burst your bubble. But that's what makes it beautiful. Find beauty in the struggle. If you can do that, you can appreciate the little things. Find motivation in the little things, and maintain the drive you need to survive. Chin up, and buckle in kids. Life is a bumpy road.

“Rest assured, That with a heart that’s pure, We’ll be victorious and not let our hate get the best of us.”

Satan: Please it's making me sad.

me: wasn't there