P.S.

[Text only translation. Rough translation by me.]

P1

[In the school library (~ch. 23), 'Hikaru' has a small pile of books in front of him and is reading one titled "The Princess and the Monster"]

Yoshiki: Lately you've been...reading picture books and fairy tales, huh.

Hikaru: Oh, this?

old xian’s update #19天#  心动。 ​​​(#19days# Heartbeat)

This was a shorter chapter, only 20 pages, and it starts some action that will hopefully continue into chapter 50. And by “action” I mean yakuza fighting as well as Yashiro and Doumeki touching, because the last few pages of this chapter gave us some delicious water for our very dry crops.

At this point, both groups are looking for Yamakawa, who owes both Sakura of Sanwakai and Yashiro a lot of money, who used Kido as a bait and switch, and who is clearly linked to some big time yakuza. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Big Time Yakuza were Okuyama and the Ryuuzu group, including the remaining members of the Kyouseikai, who Doumeki is currently looking for.

The chapter opens with the fallout from Yashiro choosing Doumeki and throwing Kamiya out on his ass. Muraji is not happy seeing Kamiya return to Tsunakwa’s instead of Doumeki and wants to know why. Kamiya says that it was Yashiro’s request but Tsunakwa doesn’t want Doumeki guarding Yashiro, he wants Doumeki to continue hunting down the remnants of the Kyouseikai (and Doumeki already did a bang up job with that when he rescued Niki so he has experience finding them.) He tells Kamiya to go back and switch places with Doumeki, who is taking on a double workload by doing what Tsunakawa and Yashiro want. While it looks like Doumeki is following Yashiro orders again, he’s really just keeping Yashiro close for three reasons: 1) he wants to know what Yashiro knows. Since both Yashiro and Doumeki are looking for Yamakawa it’s really a race to see who can get to him first, and we all know that Yashiro is really resourceful. Even though he’s not a Full Fledged Yakuza anymore, he’s still getting information ahead of Doumeki. 2) He wants to make sure Yashiro doesn’t cause any trouble for him and get in the way of dealing with Okuyama/Ryuuzu/Kyouseikai because Yashiro can be a loose cannon, and 3) Because HE LOVES HIM. Let’s be real here: Doumeki has been keeping track of Yashiro for FOUR YEARS via Chestnut. He’s never let those feelings go. They might be buried under caution and hurt, but they’re still there.

Also, Tsunakwa (who looks downright delicious in this chapter) is pissed that Okuyama was behind Niki’s kidnapping and wants to take revenge. In talking about it he says “Only a gokudo can reason with a gokudo” And the use of gokudo is another way to say yakuza but it has a more wicked and evil connotation. Basically, Tsunakawa is going to start some serious violence and this is going to a dangerous and evil place. He wants to raze whatever is left of Okuyama and Kyousekai into the ground and he wants Doumeki to help. Unlike Yashiro, Tsunakawa is using Doumeki to the best of his yakuza abilities. Doumeki is strong and shrewd – he always has been – even in this chapter he tells Kamiya that he knows Kamiya has been watching him, spying on him for Tsunakawa (and omg look how he LOOMS over Kamiya if I was Kamiya my panties would fly right off). That shrewdness was more subdued while he was with Yashiro because he was broken and just starting to heal; plus, Yashiro didn’t nurture those abilities. He spent most of his time trying to get Doumeki OUT of the yakuza but it didn’t stick because as long as Yashiro is around, even brushing against that world by running an underground casino, Doumeki will also remain in that world, watching and waiting.

Let’s talk about how little time has passed between Yashiro and Doumeki seeing each other in chapter 40 and the current chapter. For Yashiro there was four years of nothing and then ALL THIS INTENSITY over the course of what? One or two weeks? All of a sudden Doumeki is back in Yashiro’s life and keeps showing up over and over, taking him away from Inami and making demands on who he spends his free time with. Yashiro hadn’t consciously remembed Doumeki (although so many parts of him did unconsciously – he had dreams, he couldn’t get erections because Doumeki ruined him for all other men, and he felt like something was constantly missing) but once he does really remember, all these feelings are now at the forefront and not only does Yashiro not have the ability to process them well, he also hasn’t been given the time. It’s no wonder that he flip flops on who he wants as a bodyguard and also plays games with Doumeki because teasing and poking fun is how Yashiro deals.

And this struggle is so well portrayed at the end of the chapter. We once again visit the subject of change. Back upstairs in Yashiro’s apartment, Doumeki wants to know what Yashiro will do if he finds Yamakawa first (because finding Yamakawa is really the lead on finding everyone else) and Yashiro says “You were listening, weren’t you. It’s just a matter of pulling the hairs out of his ass (ketsu no ke).” According to Lyuba on twitter “ketsu no ke” means “pulling ass hairs out, this is an expression that is often used to express stripping someone of all his belongings when he loses in games of chance, that is to say Yashiro means that he wants to take everything”

But Doumeki only hears the literal meaning of the colloquialism and is like UM for a moment, which makes Yashiro laugh and say “you haven’t changed much, have you” meaning that parts of Doumeki are still naïve and innocent. Doumeki replies with “you haven’t changed much either, especially when you laugh like that” and uses ANATA akslaklshlash

Yashiro stops laughing to say “yeah, I haven’t changed at all.” And tbh, this exchange is a bit like old times, very volumes 1 and 2. However, if this were volumes 1 and 2, Yashiro would be doing everything he could to get into bed with Doumeki and sleep with him or sleep on him, but this new subdued Yashiro tells Doumeki that he’s going to sleep on the couch, which Doumeki does not want him to do. Doumeki still cares about Yashiro’s comfort asjlhas and also wants to be in charge aslhalkshs, so he picks Yashiro up bridal style (remember, Yashiro has lost some weight and Doumeki is an enormous brick house so he picks up Yashiro SO easily) and carries him to the bed, gently laying him down. Yashiro has this moment where his face is so vulnerable, where you can see his feelings, all the conflict I just talked about, and Doumeki has a soft expression as well, but Yashiro becomes overwhelmed, scared, and pushes Doumeki away. Undeterred, Doumeki grabs Yashiro’s wrist and pins it over his head AND THAT IS WHERE THE CHAPTER ENDS. *sobs in saezuru*

Yoneda Kou is listed for the next issue so, barring any last minute changes, we should see chapter 50 in November. I am ready!!!!

B L E S S T H E M .

I once did an interview project for a big event. The event had speakers globally from here and there. My job was to interview them and find out who they were. When asked about if they had any career related worried, EVERY FUCKING SINGLE OF THESE PROFESSIONALS SAID:

"I feel I'm not good enough. I'm afraid I suck. Others are so much more skilled and better at this than I am. Maybe I'm just fooling everyone and faking that I know and can do things. I doubt myself and I feel like I can't do a shit."

!!!!

These were high level professionals who had been invited to speak in the event EXACTLY because of their expertise in the field. These were people who had, in some cases, worked successfully in their chosen field for decades.

And yet, everyone of them them though that they suck and others are so much better compared to them. It didn't matter where they men or women, young or old, where they were from, or had they graduated for their field from this or that school, or ended up there in some other way.

My English is not very good and I haven't written in this language for a long time, so I apologize if these thoughts are not very clear

Thanks Google Translator

Reading this manga over and over again, I realized something, when Yashiro has "his encounters", even in his fantasies and memories, he never touches someone of his own free will, he is always touched, kissed, beaten, tied up, slapped, etc. and it is understood, he is a masochist, to obtain pleasure it must be through pain... Except for two occasions: the tender rub on Doumeki's cheek in the middle of their meeting and the kiss before telling him what bothers about him (I don´t count when he kissed Inami, the policeman, since that was before they had sex and to avoid a disaster with Doumeki being there annoyed by what he said)

When he takes the initiative (I think you know what I mean), he only touches "the part" that he likes, he does not touch any other part ... but when Doumeki begins to help him when he need it, Yashiro little by little begins to touch him, maybe it's instinct, I don't know, I haven't seen someone else do it to him either, maybe I'm thinking this matter too much hehehehe

What will happen when he is the one who wants to touch? Will he ever want to touch Doumeki? Now that Doumeki doesn't touch anyone else directly due to his gloves, will Yashiro feel the need to touch him? Will he want Doumeki to touch him again? When they are together again (because I know that will happen sooner or later), Will he touch him or will it be the same as always?

I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too much about the matter as I said before and I'm going further but I think that if you are with someone and you are in love with that person, you have the need to touch and feel it, I don't think that Yashiro is immune to those feelings, especially if he's still in love with Doumeki after 4 years

What a long question...

This is a long question that deserves dedicated answer. 😊 Your question contains multiple factors and I will try to answer them one by one. If you cannot understand my responds, please don’t hesitate to ask me again.

Yashiro is NOT a masochist, not from the first place. He made himself one to sustain his corrupting mental stage, so he won’t drown in the abyss of hatred and agony. He kept telling himself “I like pain” “I like it hurt” so he could survive the twisted lust of his stepfather. This is his survival instinct. He adjusted himself to fit into the world around him (Please refer to my other analysis <<Hello, Yashiro. How are you?>>).

Yashiro survived his childhood by deceiving (or you can say hypnotizing) himself. These lies then become part of him as he used these lies to protect himself. After he grew up, these lies become his armor, protect him from the hostility others hold to him. I said deceiving, because Yashiro wasn’t exactly enjoying sex no matter with pain or not. He hate sex (or in Misumi san’s words, he hate all mankind), but he kept doing it, because this is what he did when he was growing up, this is a part of him. He cannot simply cut it away, it is the same as he cut a major part of his own body away. The pain will be unbearable, and he most likely can never recover from it.

The major part of sex is touching. No matter it’s kissing or hugging or rubbing on skin, it is touching each other affectionally. But for Yashiro, who hate sex with all his mind, touching is not so enjoyable. He hate touching, just like he hate sex. He cannot cut sex away from his life, then he will keep affection away from sex. This is why he cannot accept any affection in sex. Anyone who dare mixing affection in sex will be discarded mercilessly. The best example we had is our poor Doumeki.

Talk about Doumeki. We all know he is special to Yashiro. Yashiro never let anyone (psychological) get close to him. He never open his heart to anyone. Yet Doumeki make out a territory in his heart. This is not normal. Nanahara, who worked for Yashiro for 10 years, couldn’t enter his heart. Misumi san, who knew Yashiro before he was even a Yakuza, couldn’t enter his heart. Hirata’s subordinate, who got suspended for falling in love with Yashiro, couldn’t enter his heart. Why Doumeki can? What makes Doumeki special to Yashiro?

There are many different theories according to this thesis. This is my guess.

Because Doumeki was impotent. 

Yashiro hate sex. Anyone who are able to have sex with him is his target of hatred. This is why he never let Nanahara do it for him, because he doesn’t want to hate Nanahara (He is like a family to Yashiro BTW. The same reason Yashiro never thought for doing it with Kageyama.) But he allow Doumeki do it for him, and he didn’t hate Doumeki for it. Why? Because Doumeki was impotent, he was not able to have sex with Yashiro. I think a part of Yashiro feels safe around Doumeki, because he hate sex, and Doumeki can never do it with him. He felt comfortable about this. So comfortable that he allow Doumeki do what others can’t on him, so comfortable that he allow Doumeki stay close with him, so comfortable that he allowed Doumeki enter his heart, and became a special existent within him.

The feelings Yashiro hold for Doumeki was very simple, or you can say pure. Around all the men that could hurt (sleep with) him, Doumeki was the only one who was not able to do so. That’s why Yashiro became fond of him. You can say Yashiro didn’t see Doumeki as a Man (because Man will hurt him). Therefore, Doumeki was safe to touch, unlike the others. This is why Doumeki could stay close to Yashiro and eventually entered his heart. Because Yashiro hate all mankind, but in his eyes, Doumeki was not a “Man”.

However, this intimacy has one extremely important condition that CANNOT be violated. Yashiro cannot accept any affection mixed in sex, so for Yashiro to hold affection to someone, the rule is they CANNOT have sex. Because Yashiro hate sex. Sex is harmful. Sex is painful. Sex is the darkest part of him that he could never cut away. That’s why he accepted Doumeki, because Doumeki could never associate with sex. That’s why when Doumeki chose to cross that boundary, Yashiro fled.

And you asked if Yashiro wanted to touch Doumeki? Well...…

Thank you to everyone who patiently waited for me to get back into a more manageable state of busy. It took longer than I thought to get through my pile of work, but I finally found some time to write a summary for this highly emotional chapter! There’s so much going on that I don’t even know where to start. Yashiro and Doumeki are finally talking without other people around. Doumeki calls Yashiro “Yashiro-san” for the first time. He also seems to have caught on to Yashiro’s bad eyesight. We learn what happened before Amou decided to bring Doumeki to Tsunakawa. Yashiro is naked most of the time, and Doumeki is confusing the hell out of him with his new sassiness which is exactly what I was hoping for. But it’s also sad to see how Yashiro seems to think that the Doumeki he fell in love with doesn’t exist anymore. The cliffhanger is just as mean as expected for the last chapter of a volume. And now we’ll have to wait at least until the end of March, because Sensei will skip the next issue of ihr Hertz, probably because she needs some extra time to finish everything for the release of volume 7 on March 1st, 2021. Maybe she’ll bless us with a few extra pages again, like she did in volume 6, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

And now on to the summary - as always behind a cut, because I’ll probably change a few things here and there later.

I’ve been thinking about the 43 chapter title and I wonder if this phrase refers that Doumeki is a yakuza now, that cannot change.

I did not read the chapter but for the comments I read about it, the chapter shows how Doumeki became yakuza. It is hearbreking.

What do you think? @kiriharaakira 

This chapter shows us indeed the path D chooses to take in order to stay in the yakuza. He must be tougher, more cunning to achieve this goal. It is a conscious choice, one he makes in order to remain in Y’s world. Which, in turn, shows he hasn’t really changed, because his primary goal, his objectives, his feelings still revolve around Y.

Y, on the other hand, appears to NOT have changed - at least on the surface. He maintains the same devil-may-care, sardonic attitude and clings to the confort of his old habits. You may argue that, the same as with D, his innermost core has remained the same - strong, kind and beautiful, despite how much he tries to deny it. But something in him has indeed changed, his priorities have shifted, a fact which becomes glaringly obvious with the incredibly honest declaration he makes in front of Tsuna. He can no longer deny that this person is important to him. I think he has begun to heal.

My copy of Opera v77 arrived the other day ✨💐🎗💛💍

He used to be mine.

Doumeki Chikara // ch 42 // blushy ver (⁄ ⁄^⁄ᗨ⁄^⁄ ⁄)