#doumeki

After the page from the second preview where doumeki collapses while trying to stand up

• Doumeki: "…S-sorry…"

• Yashiro: "It's fine. Don’t talk."

• Saying that, Yashiro puts Doumeki's arm around his shoulder and carries him to the bed

• Doumeki grabs Yashiro’s arm and says, "Don't go…" and then loses consciousness

• Yashiro prepares a towel for Doumeki's forehead and some water, and stays to nurse him

_____________

• Doumeki wakes up

• When he sits up, he sees Yashiro sleeping while seated against the wall

• Doumeki moves closer, notices the bucket of water nearby, and understands what happened.

• As he looks at Yashiro’s sleeping face, he recalls Kageyama's words and reaches out-

• but just then, his phone rings.

• The ringtone wakes Yashiro.

• Tsunakawa: "It's me."

• Doumeki: "…Yes."

• Tsunakawa: "Come to the main house. Now."

• Doumeki: "Understood."

• Yashiro looks up at Doumeki, who has lowered his gaze

• Yashiro asks if it was Tsunakawa calling

• Doumeki asks what Yashiro had originally come for

• Yashiro dodges the question

"What was it again?"

• He pretends he’s forgotten

• Yashiro then asks whether it was really okay to send the club mama who people think Doumeki is involved with home.

• Doumeki: "When did I ever say I was dating her?"

• Yashiro: "…You're not?"

• Doumeki’s wound starts to hurt, so he sits down and explains

 • The club mama is his childhood friend

• He was her tattoo practice model

• She was saving money at the club so she could become independent as a tattoo artist

• Yashiro: "I… see."

• Doumeki: "Would it have been more convenient if we were dating?"

• Yashiro: "…What do you mean by that?"

• Doumeki: "I wondered if that would make you feel more at ease."

• Yashiro: "At ease…? What are you talking about?"

• Doumeki: "Do you really not understand?"

• Yashiro: "It doesn’t matter to me either way. I don’t care who you’re dating as long as I can have sex, It doesn’t even have to be you"

• Doumeki: "I-"

(the scene shown in the first official preview.)

• Doumeki: "What if I told you that… I still have feelings for you?"

• Doumeki: "Do you want to know how I feel?"

"If I said I still love you, if you knew I’m still chasing after you"

• Doumeki: "Even so, do you still want to hear it from my own mouth?"

"Do you truly believe I could ever love anyone other than you?" (😭😭♥️) 

• They look at each other at the same eye level.

______________

Doumeki’s past

"Because you were there, I chose to live in this world."

"It didn’t matter which organization it was."

"I didn’t care if people thought I was disloyal or a terrible person."

"I decided I just wanted to exist in the same world as you any way I could."

"I wanted to become a man who could stand beside you."

"I didn’t care how many years it took."

"But I met you sooner than I expected, and I became greedy. I got jealous."

"I thought I had let those feelings go-" "but I couldn’t go against my own heart."

_______________

Back to the present

• Doumeki reaches out and touches Yashiro’s right cheek

• Doumeki: "Can you not see?"

• Yashiro: "…Why?"

• Doumeki: "Is it a lingering effect from back then?"

• Yashiro: "It's nothing serious."

• Doumeki: "Is it because of me?"

• Yashiro: "No."

• Yashiro grabs Doumeki’s wrist.

• Doumeki: "Even if it isn't…"

• Yashiro: "You’re overthinking it."

• Doumeki: "…Even so, to me, you are kind, strong, and beautiful."

• Yashiro: "…I-"

• Yashiro: "All this time, you’ve been making me listen to this"

"what kind of feelings did you expect me to hear it with…?"

• Doumeki leans in and kisses him.

• They part.

• Yashiro opens his eyes, stunned

• Doumeki stands up

• Yashiro: "You… why… why say it now?"

 "You hid it all this time"

 "why now?"

• Doumeki looks down at him silently,

• He takes his jacket and leaves

• Doumeki’s face turns serious

• Yashiro stares at the door.

_________________________________

xxxholic 109 continued

In which WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

LAST TIME ON XXXHOLIC:

CLAMP FUCKING DID IT. THEY GOT ME SO BAD. I DIDN’T SEE THIS COMING EVER. EVER EVER EVER. 

WATANUKI FULFILLED HIS WISH AFTER WELL OVER A HUNDRED YEARS. (WHAT THE FUCK?? WHAT THE FUCK????) RIGHT WHEN I THOUGHT TEN YEARS WAS EXCESSIVE I GET KICKED OUT A WINDOW AND CLAMP LAUGHED THE WHOLE WAY DOWN. 

HERE I WAS THINKING WATANUKI WOULD FINALLY REALISE HIS WISH AND BE ABLE TO SLOWLY CONNECT WITH ALL THE PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE AGAIN, FINALLY MOVING TOWARD THE FUTURE

GUESS WHAT. NO!

NO THEY’RE ALL DEAD!

HE WAITED OUT THEIR ENTIRE LIVES AND THEY ALL DIED BETWEEN THIS CHAPTER AND THE PREVIOUS ONE!

WHICH MEANS CHAPTER 108 WAS ACTUALLY A MUCH BIGGER GOODBYE THAN I EVER COULD HAVE THOUGHT POSSIBLE. IT WASN’T JUST WRAPPING UP THEIR ARCS IN TIME FOR THE END OF THE MANGA IT WAS THE FINAL TIME WE WOULD EVER SEE THEM BEFORE THE 100+ YEAR TIME SKIP AND THEY ALL DIE OFF SCREEN. 

WHAT THE FUCK!

AND! AND THIS MEANS THAT THE BEGINNING OF THIS CHAPTER WAS ALSO A TRICK. I THOUGHT THESE WERE ALL RATHER UNREMARKABLE SCENES WITH DOUMEKI AND SO I SKIPPED OVER MOST OF THEM IN THE RECAP BUT NOPE THAT WASN’T EVEN DOUMEKI THOSE WERE HIS DESCENDANTS. 

MAYBE IT WAS EVEN A DIFFERENT ONE EACH TIME?

Or… no not quite, counting this scene there are 6 Doumeki moments we get, so I suppose some of those could be the same guy. Or there doesn’t have to be just one, there could be multiple Doumeki brothers per generation. Maybe the first scene was even Doumeki! Maybe they all were except the last one! FUCK IF I KNOW OH MY GOD. 

It just occurs to me that the thing Watanuki was saying a couple of pages ago about “Oh that much time has passed?” which I totally didn’t get in the moment WAS A REFERENCE TO THE FACT THAT IT’S BEEN WELL OVER A CENTURY, AND NOT JUST A DECADE.

I…

Oh gosh what do I do with this! Watanuki comes to the conclusion that he’ll never see the actual Yuuko Ichihara again. Which, you know, I would have hoped he might have figured out a long time ago, but here we are, and he’s learning it right now. But he finally does seem to accept that that was it. Yuuko doesn’t actually exist anymore, and so he can’t see HER again. 

BUT THEN. I’M NOT SURE IF HE MEANS IT?

He confirms that he can actually leave the store again, but that he’ll also keep running the store. That’s fine! I don’t mind that at all!

But then he follows up by saying THAT HE’LL CONTINUE TO WAIT?!

IS THAT CORRECT?!?!?!?!

WATANUKI PLEASE IT’S BEEN SO LONG WE DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG IT’S BEEN. WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF WAITING STILL.

IS HE WAITING BECAUSE HE THINKS THERE WILL BE SOMETHING FOR HIM TO MEET STILL? OR HAS HE EFFECTIVELY TRAPPED HIMSELF ETERNALLY?

IS HE UNABLE TO STOP WAITING? 

WILL HE JUST KEEP WAITING FOREVER? IS HE JUST STUCK ON THE SAME CYCLE NOW THAT HE’S DONE IT FOR SO LONG??

Oh my goodness, I feel like after this revelation it would have been nice to give him the closure and let him finally move on. That’s what YUUKO seemed to want for him, to let him finally be free and live his life outside the cage again. But he immediately just gets back inside the cage and says he’s just going to continue sitting here forever. 

I AM LOSING MY MIND OVER THIS. WATANUKI P L E A S E

Is that it then? Did the obsession win? Did his life BECOME the obsession? Did his entire existence become devoted to an obsession that can never truly be fulfilled in the way he wants it? Has Watanuki become the true “Holic” after all?

… OH ACTUALLY WOULDN’T THAT FIT? WOULDN’T THAT MATCH?

IS SYAORAN WAS TSUBASA (since that was his name) AND WATANUKI IS THE XXXHOLIC (since he is the ultimate holic)?

WOW I HATE IT HERE.

H E L P WE ARE STILL IN THE BUILDING

OK!

OK IS THAT THE FINAL REVEAL THEN? WE FINALLY LEARN WHAT THE EGG WAS?

THE EGG WAS THE OPTION FOR HIM TO FORGET YUUKO?

OH MY GOD ALL THIS TIME AND IT’S STILL HERE. EVERY DOUMEKI DESCENDENT GETS THE EGG AND HANGS OUT WITH WATANUKI IN AN ETERNAL VIGIL TO SEE IF HE’S READY TO FORGET HER.

AND AFTER ALL THESE LIFETIMES EVERY DESCENDANT COMES TO THE SAME CONCLUSION THAT THEY DON’T WANT TO ERASE THAT FOR HIM?

SO THAT’S WHAT DOUMEKI WAS WONDERING EVERY SINGLE TIME? IF HE SHOULD ERASE HIS MEMORY OF YUUKO????? 

EVEN YUUKO HERSELF SET THIS OPTION UP FOR HIM, AWARE THAT HE MIGHT END UP HERE?

SHE KNEW THE WHOLE TIME AND SET UP A WAY FOR THIS NOT TO HAPPEN BUT THEY NEVER USED IT???

Which is NICE in a way, I suppose, that they realised how important it was to him and they didn’t want to take that away. And it’s nice that even here the idea is based on agency - they present the Option of forgetting but Watanuki still doesn’t want it. 

He’s just… going to sit in the cage forever. And I guess Doumeki’s living legacy will just continue to hang out with him as he does it. 

Oh man and I want to know everything about how the Doumeki side of things works as well. How long did Doumeki continue to hang out with Watanuki? At what point did his descendant take over? When did it become A Family Thing and every new Doumeki takes the place of the old one?

How long do they spend with him? Is it like an apprenticeship thing they do while they’re young and learning the spiritual knowledge or do they continue into adulthood? Do they just do it until there’s a new person to replace them or are there periods where none of them are available?

ALSO does this mean they are free from this service now too? If Watanuki CAN leave that means he doesn’t need them to be his connection to the outside world, he can do that on his own. He doesn’t need to send them out on errands if he can go to the store himself, but will he? Are the Doumeki descendants quite happy with this situation and will they just continue it all the same?

… OH AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR THE SEQUEL?

Is xxxHolic Rei set in this future, with Watanuki this far ahead of us in time and living with the Doumeki descendants? I suppose if it is that means he can leave the store and have adventures around the place, which could be fun. Or will we still be set in the present day and basically be having flashbacks of his time with Our Doumeki? 

Will there even be a Doumeki in the sequel? Surely there must be right?

OH DON’T USE THAT IMAGERY ON ME

HE DIDN’T DO IT! HE DIDN’T FLY AWAY! HE’S SITTING RIGHT THERE IN THE CAGE STILL!

HE NEVER LEFT!

HE’S STILL THERE A HUNDRED YEARS FROM NOW!

just encountered this perplexing ad on your blog thought id share

Today I want to speak simply, without psychological analysis or technical jargon. I want to speak from the love I have for the work, the author, and its characters. From my jumbled feelings and thoughts.

Warning: there are spoilers, many spoilers, and paraphrased dialogue, so it's not exact.

Doumeki confessed his feelings and left. As I said in the previous post, he consciously or subconsciously relinquished control to Yashiro. Without expecting anything in return. It was honesty personified, and a farewell kissed his way to goodbye. The decision was now in Yashiro's hands, and Doumeki wouldn't pursue him anymore.

Then we had chapter 65, which really affected me. Doumeki stood firm in his feelings. Kamiya had revealed absolutely everything Doumeki had hidden about himself. Tsunakawa was heartbroken and felt betrayed, and Muraji was outraged. Doumeki failed. He didn't apologize and even declared his loyalty to Yashiro, saying he was his reason for living. As a consequence of his profound honesty, an excessive punishment was imposed, without him even having shared a drink. He lost his place to live once again. Chapter 65 left me so distraught that I tried not to talk about it for two months.

And now, chapter 66.

I was impressed, as always, by the range of expressions and physical perspectives that Sensei gives us. A truly talented artist who, through her lines, conveys a wide range of emotions.

The chapter begins with Amou and Tsunakawa. One man disappointed, the other worried. A disturbing conversation.

We move to Yashiro's office where he is visibly agitated and grumpy, with dark circles under his eyes and looking tired. He asks if they've found Kai; nothing. Nanahara confronts him and receives a violent response. Yashiro is restless, shouting, desperate; it's the first time we see him without a plan, feeling helpless. He knows that Doumeki will receive the worst punishment and is hiding behind the Yakuza's directives; he can't help Doumeki. But Nanahara doesn't remain silent and tells him about that conversation on the hospital terrace. Amou interrupts Doumeki's words and Yashiro's attitude. We then shift to a scene in a café. Amou speaks of the past; after all, he knows that wayward 19-year-old Yashiro, he's seen him in all his facets. Things about Amou are revealed, and one phrase haunts me: Amou says that Misumi sees Yashiro as a son, but Yashiro doesn't see Misumi as a father, saying, "You don't sleep with your son" While Misumi saved Yashiro, and they know I've always agreed with his methods, Yashiro's heart aches, and he's carried that burden for 20 years. This gives me a change of perspective, and while I previously supported them staying in the Yakuza, now I don't. I'd like them both to get out; I'd love for Yashiro to be free from the Yakuza, just like Doumeki.

Returning to the chapter. Amou confronts Yashiro, asking, "Did you get rid of Doumeki four years ago for his own good or for yours?" Yashiro is shocked. Amou knows him better than anyone and can't answer; they both know the answer. Without even touching his coffee, he receives a call.

We shift to the street. Yashiro is walking in the rain, lost in thought, when he's intercepted by Kamiya. Kamiya doesn't mince words and confronts Yashiro with reality, paraphrasing him to say something like, "You must be worth a lot for a man like Doumeki to risk his life to protect you." And for Yashiro, who has very low self-esteem, receiving those words from someone who doesn't know his past is truly harsh. Yashiro simply listens, and Kamiya unleashes his frustration by throwing him a motel key and a challenge, leaving Doumeki's salvation in his hands. Then he walks away.

We see the rain, the key, and then the key disappears. The next panel is one of my favorites. Yashiro holds something in his left hand and looks up at the rain-soaked, gray sky.

Now we change scenes. Doumeki is alone, gun in hand. The doorbell rings. When he opens it, Yashiro, soaked from head to toe, kisses him with a tenderness and passion the reader can feel in their own skin. Doumeki stands there, not responding, simply receiving, his eyes wide open. Yashiro pushes him aside and enters the room. Their faces part, saliva joins their lips, Yashiro's tongue is visible, and then they kiss with exquisite passion. And the chapter ends.

To say I liked the chapter is an understatement; this chapter is legendary. After so many years, Yashiro no longer does things for others, doesn't sacrifice himself for the sake of others, isn't a tool, an empty shell, a bargaining chip. He has become a human being with his own decisions, and he listens to his own heart. I loved that, without premeditation, three people came together to shake Yashiro to his core. These three already knew of the mutual feelings between them, and all three cared for Doumeki so much that they couldn't bear to see him lost. They placed the trust and responsibility for his salvation in Yashiro's hands.

Yashiro made his decision, a selfish one, leaving everyone behind—well, not everyone. Ties of cups, groups, loyalties, Misumi—he put everything before Doumeki. And what greater happiness could there be for Doumeki, who has always been the abandoned one, than to see Yashiro there, with a clear answer? Because after such a confession, seeing the man of his dreams standing at the door, frantically pressing his lips to his, is a wonderful answer.

I don't think Yashiro will do the same thing he did four years ago. I think he feels responsible for his actions and believes he's to blame for Doumeki's current state. I think he'll take responsibility and join Doumeki to resolve this whole mess. I also believe that together they are a powerful, dangerous, and unstoppable force. And I have faith, above all, I have faith in Yoneda-sensei and that they will both emerge from this in the best possible way.

Despite being a chapter to celebrate, it's also truly sad. There are wounds in the heart that don't heal easily, and I see a deeply hurt Yashiro. He's aware of all the harm he caused Doumeki, and I think his despair stems from that. He hurt the person he loved most and the person who loved him most. Yashiro doesn't feel worthy of affection, but in the end, he has such a valuable man giving his all for him. That's not easy for someone like Yashiro to accept. I can feel his pain, his regret, and his despair, and it breaks my heart.

Yoneda-sensei is incredible. She surpasses our highest expectations. I'll be eagerly awaiting the next chapter.

It's really interesting how Kamiya echoes Yashiro's sentiments here.

Kamiya shared this chapter about his abuse at the hands of his father, heavily implying, too, that his sister died as a result of that same abuse. The parallels with Yashiro are obvious.

Kamiya tells Doumeki that he's lucky because he still has a family to go back to, and Tsunakawa, before this, questioned Doumeki about why he felt he couldn't get a regular job and live a normal life, given the circumstances surrounding his time spent in prison.

All of this mirrors what Yashiro tried to make Doumekie understand and accept before the time skip. None of the people in the Yakuza are as lucky as Doumeki. Yashiro in particular never had anyone growing up. An abusive step father and a mother who couldn't care less about him. He was totally alone, which is how he ended up being vulnerable to men like Misumi. But Doumeki has never been alone. He has a sister who loves him, and a mother who loves him too, despite her failings. I've said this before, but I think it's always particularly rankled Yashiro to see Doumekie essentially spurn the gift of a loving family, and instead decided to voluntarily join the Yakuza. It must be galling, because Yashiro never had a choice, and he probably couldn't understand why anyone would choose this life for themselves if they didn't have to. We see that same confusion in Tsunakawa and Kamiya.

It's just an interesting observation I made, and I wonder how it's going to play out through the rest of the story. I've had this idea in my head for a while that it isn't Yashiro, but Doumeki, who needs to learn a lesson about the importance of appreciating what you have. Thematically, it would make sense for Doumeki to end up being punished by the narrative for abandoning his family in pursuit of Yashiro, and I keep thinking the most dramatic way to drive that punishment home would be for Yashiro to die.

I'm probably totally wrong, lol, but it's just a theory of mine.

Either way, Yashiro is obviously going to go after Doumeki and try to save him. Doumeki's pretty much given up here, and no longer seems to have a will to live. Again, it would kind of make sense for him to watch Yashiro die in order to save his life, to jolt him out of his own, self-imposed misery, and to embrace the gift of a normal life and a loving family. More than anything, I think, that's what Yashiro always wanted for him, and in a way, it would be a way to honor Yashiro, to show the ultimate respect for him, by going back to a normal life.

Anyway, like I said, I'm sure I'm wrong, but something dramatic is definitely going to happen between Yashiro and Doumeki. I can't wait for the next chapter.