By can't I don't mean it's not possible, I'm not fatalistic about this, it's just, on every level my body and brain don't believe it is possible. I can't seem to will myself to do something this disorder is built against doing, but I know if I'd get enough experiences being pushed over that fence, and seeing that I've survived it, and that I see there are things there I want, good things, I would be able to go further and break my own shell open. It's happened in small ways but clearly those huge breakthroughs weren't quite enough to convince my hindbrain that others aren't survival level threats.
I imagine the outside of that fence from what I've observed but never experienced, or imagine safe-enough others breaking in for me, but that imagination doesn't translate into action, my body and outer self feel paralyzed, I don't generate enough energy to push outwardly, and I'm left waiting for something that will push me, enable me to will myself over the boundary.
It's deeply frustrating that I can't think of something, and immediately take action, speak, move towards it the way others seem so able to. That I get so lost in the imagining, and fearful of moving outwardly, that my mind turns me away from realizing it. It takes weeks, months, years of build up to make the slightest move...I feel the life I could have had has been robbed from me.
I think compared to the average person, the only way through will be imagining over and over, rehearsing realistically and anticipating what it would be like to be free amongst others as well as within myself, to imagine to prepare instead of escape, to exert and express. And by imagining the real steps towards finding everything in the real world that is not disgusting to me, and what actions I can take to make the potential stress manageable, planning pauses and room to retreat for myself...And moving slowly, so slowly, over months, out of that fence. Anything faster would likely make me regress.
jacobvanloon
germansingergirl
dailybridgerton
janainaart
tangentwithtanner
kaledo-art
yousharknotpass
