How are you feeling today?

It hurts. Everything hurts. I‘ve been crying in the shower and all I feel is the ache in my chest.

I kind of don‘t deserve to have people close to me I guess?

I‘ve been feeling this particular kind of loneliness for a long time. My bf knows about it but he can‘t do anything about it. What am I doing wrong? I just kind of have nobody to talk to about this. Been thinking every now and then that maybe I should start writing here again. Maybe it will help.

It‘s just… That I‘m so freaking lonely haha. Well at least I have like 2 people who I can talk too but still. I don‘t feel like I have friends and all the people I hang out with are my boyfriends friends. My own friends kind of don‘t talk to me? Like they don‘t answer my messages or take days to. I‘m really trying hard to find new people or to keep the friendship going but it hurts a lot seeing that it‘s just coming from my side.

I often forget about it or try to forget about it. Dive myself into work, games and other media to distract myself from the future. Not knowing where to go to, what to do and with whom. Nobody to discuss that with.

It hurts really a lot.

I miss you all. What happened? What did I do wrong? Was I not caring enough? I don‘t know…. Most of them found better people, I guess. And one of them just ghosted me. I… don‘t know man. Sometimes I think I deserve this and sometimes I think that I‘m giving my everything and it‘s still not enough so it‘s not my fault.

You know you miss someone when all you do is thinking about them and looking them up on their social media sites.

I miss the time when we were hanging out and doing shit together. I miss that it was never a problem to do stuff together, that it was normal seeing each other at least once a week, writing each other almost everyday, sending pictures just for the sake of showing and just talk about everything that crossed out minds.

Now i don‘t even know how to start a conversation, i dont know what to talk about. I think about messaging you almost everyday but i dont know what to say and i think about it the whole day until its time to go to bed.

I‘m grateful for all the moments we had together and all the times you were there for me, stood up for me. I know we both kind of let our friendship drift away and that‘s normal since we are living our lives and sharing it with other people. Nothing stays ever the same.

I‘m happy for you and support you in every way.

But sometimes i just wish i could go back in time and relive some hours when it was just you and me and nobody else. I will never forget how I felt when we spent time together, no matter if we just binge-watched movies, played some games or went to a concert.

You will always have a special place in my heart.

Forever.

Dear diary,

it's been a while since I wrote something down here. Mostly because I don't feel as suicidal and depressive as before anymore. Well, most of the time. Lots of stuff happened. Good stuff. But you know, I never write about good stuff. So let's just get down to the thing that keeps me from sleeping.

Friends. In particular, best friends. I miss my male-best-friend a lot sometimes. Right now I miss him a freaking lot. I was scrolling through pictures and then saw some of our selfies... our last selfie with just the two of us is from May. Before that we took a lot of photos together and we did stuff together. Last time we met just the two of us was in August.

The thing is, we don't even write a lot anymore and it has gotten to the point where I don't even know about what I should talk with him. Sometimes I send him a pic or a short text and we write like 3 sentences and that was it. It feels really weird because we used to be super-close. I still would run to him if something really bad happens. Maybe it's because we both feel really good with our lives now so that we don't need each other anymore so much.

Dear diary,

this is a short log.

Today was a wonderful day. I walked on a mountain.

Dear diary,

today I talked with some guy in the bus, he knows my neighbour, that ginger one who likes the same stuff as me but I never talked to him really.. He told me that he’s in a special hospital where people with mental illness go. I wondered why I haven’t seen him lately, now I know why and it makes me really sad. He also asked me if I knew some other guy, it turns out that he meant my other neighbour who took his life a few days before new year this year. He was a friend of him. When I heard the news back then I was so incredibly sad and shocked that day, now I know what his name is and I’ll light a candle up for him. 

Dear diary,

sometimes I feel like I have nobody to talk with or that I can’t talk about some things to someone. That’s why I have you here. 

The last few days were a blast, I started my new job and I get along wiith everyone very well. This weekend I stayed over Morgensterns house, it’s been a long thime since I did that and it felt so good, I really love sleeping there, his bed is so comfy and I get cuddles 24/7 and that’s everything I need. 

But something... weird happened, well I knew that it’ll happen. Yuuta (finally) confessed his love for me. And... I had to reject him, I don’t know why I can’t imagine myself with him in a romantic relationship but it’s the truth. I really like him and really love him very much and there was a time where I thought “Fuck I’m in love with this guy” but as soon as I try to picture it in my head, I don’t like it. Plus, I’m living my life, like ... I fuck around with other guys, well at the moment just one, but still, and I’m still searching for a boyfriend and... I don’t mind but he... He told me that he always took some distance towards other girls because of me and that’s why he hasn’t had a girlfriend for years. Because he always thought of me. Damn, I’m terrible, in the morning I’m totally lovey-dovey with him and then I go to Morgenstern and kiss and fuck him and stuff, completely ignoring Yuuta. He would die if I told him what’s going on. I feel terrible. I’m such a bad person, goddamn. I knew it and I still used him. I hate myself so much right now. 

Dear diary,

I’m glad that he’s my best friend, you know? I’m glad that we’re still in contact even though we fight often and I get upset too often and cry a lot. But.. It’s worth it. I’ve never had a best friend like this, he’s great, he’s there for me even when we’re mad at each other. He really shows me that he cares even though I forget it so often but he knows that. He knows a lo about me, he knows a lot I don’t know, he always teach me stuff, even though his words can hurt a lot I still love to talk to him everyday. 

You know, sometimes I’m really grateful when we fight. It’s awful for me, and for him too I guess. We hurt each other a lot but when we solve the problem it’s always so nice and beautiful. He tells me so many nice things, he gets really upset because I don’t treat him how he wants to be treated. And that’s something I could never imagine, like why the heck dos he care? After a while I always think that I don’t matter to him anyore, that he doesn’t need me, that he has other friends because he’s always doing stuff and I’m sitting at home doing nothing. He never asks me, he never invites me, I don’t know. Sometimes I just feel really lonely and when he doesn’t write then I get kind of mad and turn everything off so I get lonelier and sadder and I’m in this endless spiral where I think nobody wants me and I’m worthless and keep crying and crying and shutting myself off. And that’s when it gets bad. 

But now I realzise: He is there for me, I just need to reach out. It’s not embarrassing at all. And he showed me that my friends care a lot too. He told me so many things last time, I love it when we get tipsy because he’s like super-cute. well, he’s not only nice when he’s getting drunk but he’s like extra-careful and stuff. And I get to say a lot too. That’s why I love that he’s my best friend. I feel like I can talk to him about everything, I’m not scared or insecure, if I don’t like something he does I tell him and he listens, I can tell him everything I don’t feel caged, I have the courage to speak up when he’s the person I’m talking to.

I know all of this is really cheesy but I kind of needed to let it out. I don’t know all the other people don’t understand me, why I’m still hanging around with him etc, I get so many side-eyes, people talk about it as if they knew what’s going on. It hurts a lot not being supported by your friends just because you’re best friends with your ex. They don’t believe anyting I tell them and make up their own stories, it’s like they’re waiting for it to end and then say “I told you” and I don’t know. It’s like they’ve placed bets how long this’ll go and this makes me so sad. 

Dear diary,

I feel so alone and helpless, I have nobody to talk too, and I’m getting back to bad habits again. I’m getting drunk during the day just to pretend that I’m happy, I shout lyrics out loud in the bathroom, cry, hit myself, watch the blood run down as I accidentally cut my legs while shaving, sit down and try to figure out where things went wrong. Why am I like this? I want to be somebody else, I want to be nice beautiful, loved - not broken. But none of this things will ever become true. Nobody listens, so why should I keep talking? I cry every damn day, more than I can count. I wanted to be happier this year, to be not so depressed as the last few years, to not cry so much. But I can’t even keep the promises I make with myself. 

I’ve been thinking lots and lots and maybe that’s the problem but what else should I do when I’m alone? I don’t know I’m kind of over humanity today. I’m a freaking mess and I don’t know what to do. My throat still hurts. I found some razorblades in the kitchen, they are disguised as tiny sweet envelopes. I took some up into my room I don’t know if I’ll ever use them, I hope not but still, it makes me feel kinda better knowing that they are here. I really miss some of my friends but they all have their own lives which I’m not part of anymore. I don’t know anything anymore about anyone I used to say “They are so close to me, we talk about everything”. We don’t talk anymore. Nobody talks to me anymore, everyone is so busy making their own plans, they don’t have time for me. 

I’m scared of being left out but actually, I know deep down, that I already am. The only thing I have is something people make often fun of and that makes me so sad. Why are people like this? Why do people make things bad when someone else is so happy about it? I can’t even find joy in some of my favourite youtubers because of this.. I literally cry because all I keep hearing while watching them are the mean words that are like a sharp knives, cutting me. When I listen to my favourite music, all I can see are the looks they gave me as I mention them. Why is everyone like that? They took all my happiness away, I don’t even know what to do anymore. Nothing I used to like, lifts me up anymore. 

If you never break you’ll never know how to put yourself back together. Well, I’ve been broken too much too often, I don’t even know what of the things I used to do will help me. I’m scared and alone. Trying to reach out for everyone but just being pushed away. My phone battery died and I don’t give a fuck. I used to always have full batteries or to look forward when I turn my phone on again because I knew that I would have a message, someone wanted to tell me something. But I know that nobody cares. Nobody tells me anything. Nobody even asks. Well maybe I’m just overreacting again, who knows. Still feeling like shit.

Dear diary, 

it’s been a long time.

Many things have changed but right now I don’t want to talk about it.

Lately I’m feeling left out. I’m feeling alone, I feel sad, I have the urge to cry about everything. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but it’s torturing me. I’m like a flower that’s welking, no matter how much I try to keep on going and living at the end of the day I always feel like I’m dying. Lately, my throat hurts, I don’t know why, but it’s not like the normal pain you feel when you’re sick, at the back of your neck. It‘s more like someone is trying to choke you. And that’s exactly how I’m feeling. Like dying. Like everyone is trying to kill me, not only me. And I don’t have anybody to talk to.

Y-tan is like, don’t giving a fuck anymore what I want. We wanted to go out and have fun but yesterday she wrote me that she’s going with her boyfriend and a friend to a party and if I want to come too (even though she knows I hate that place and that I wouldn’t have fun. even though we made plans first.). And I said that I’m not in the mood to go there and I don’t know and that it’s expensive. She just replied “Well, just tell me tomorrow if you want to come too or not, I’m going to get the tickets then.” Like... What? okay? So you really don’t care if I’m there or not? Well, thanks. 

My best friend is somewhere in the clouds, I don’t fucking know where he is, where his thoughts are, what the frick he does. He’s so far away, I don’t know why he feels so distant. Last friday I was at his place and it was actually nice but then he kinda just... blocked me off. I wanted to cuddle with him but he didn’t give a fuck or something, I don’t know, I have the feeling that I’m not allowed to touch him anymore. Or to talk to him. He doesn’t write me anymore any goodmorning or goodnight-messages and to be honest, it really bugs me. It hurts me. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this and right now I don’t have the strenght to even ask or try to keep the conversation going. It makes me so sad and I don’t know if he cares. 

Hey there, it’s been a long long time.

I don’t even know why I’m thinking about you right now. Maybe because I’m listening to melancholic music? But still, there is no real reason why I’m thinking about you, I could also think about somebody else, but it’s you. Maybe because it’s almost New Year again, because it’s december because it’s the time I fell in love with you 2 years ago. I really freaking was totally in love with you and you ... just used me to be honest, there is nothing else you did. I’ve thought a lot about you after we broke up and stuff but now is the time I can look back at it normally and I see what you did. I should hate you for what you’ve done, I could have been such a happy girl, I might even have had completely different expiriences, I might have not even met Morgenstern, and even if I did, I still would have fallen in love with him but... it would have been so much more different. If you hadn’t done what you did, I wouldn’t have fucked with Sekundenkind and Goethe, I would have never felt so terrible like i did back then. I wouldn’t have been suicidal in the summer of 2014. 

But still, why do I get so sad when I look at your name? Why do I feel so strange? I dont want you back, I’m pretty sure of it. I only miss the contact we had. The extreme long messages that we shared with each other. I never wrote so much to one person in one message than to you. and you... I don’t think that I was ever special to you. Yeah, I was your trigger, you realized that you must change thanks to me but... to which price? You threw me into a hole where there seemed to be no light, nothing for me. And now you’re in Shanghai and I’m so proud of you and I’m still considering writing to you but I don’t know what and you can’t force a conversation. I’m still watching Gootecks and Mike Ross sometimes and everytime I think of you because I know them because of you. Everytime I see street fighter, I think of you, it was your thing. Even freaking Owen Wilson always reminds me of you, it was our thing. I miss the old times when we snuggled in your bed, warm and comfy, watching movies. You showed me so many great movies. I don’t know why but I miss you. I would love to see Yellowcard again with you. I dont know why but I want to spend time with you again sometime. At Japanfest you almost ignored me, I’m pretty sure you thought that Morgenstern and I were still together but that wasn’t the case. Or did just don’t want any contact with me? Don’t you miss me sometimes? The talks and fun? 

Your new hairstyle looks like shit but you’re not hiding yourself anymore and that makes me happy, maybe you’ve grown up a bit? I know that you are far away again, you were always far away, you were never near me. Who did you think of when we kissed or when we had our first time? I hate you for taking it. I will never forgive you, everything in my life could have been so different if only that part didn’t happen. 

But still, I love talking about that one ex, who lived far away and had a hedgehog as a pet. I love talking about how we played with sonic, I love talking about when we got your xbox one and how much fun it was using it. I love talking about the awesome first date I had. I love talking about the Yellowcard concert and I will never forget the beautiful kiss we had there. It was very special to me and it will always be. Because of you I found interest in martial arts, in games specially in fighting games in movies and much more. I never met a guy who shared so many interesets with me and you never met a girl who was just as “perfect” as me. 

I will always look back at it and wonder why it all happened, and realize that we were just two confused kids, overwhelmed with life. 

I really want to write to you, talk about what happened so far, I want to know how you’re doing. just being casual like always. 

Dear diary,

since a few weeks my world is upside down again. Nothing makes sense, everything I’ve done for the last few months, all my effort, is vanishing and I’m again at the beginning with the same 3 words in my head. “I don’t know”. That’s a common phrase of me and lately I’ve been saying it more often because ... I really don’t know anything and I don’t know how I’ll continue living. I’m thinking again “I wanna die before I get old”. I don’t know what I’ll do in the future. Three days ago I told a friend “I’m really not motivated, I don’t wanna go to class” and he asked “Why are you even here?” and.. I don’t know. It’s stupid, it doesn’t really make any fun, I don’t know, I’m probably going to quit but.. nobody knows that yet. Every single one of them thinks that I’ll be still there next semester, all my new friends will be confused when I don’t show up anymore but I don’t have the courage to tell them the truth. “Why are you even here?” ... because of you guys. I’m a failure and I don’t want anyone to notice. “Many people quit their first study and do something else” yeah, that’s true, but that doesn’t change that I’m scared as fuck. I don’t know what I want to do, I never knew, I’m scared of the future, I feel like the biggest failure in my family, everyone is doing so well and here I am - sitting in front of my laptop and crying.