The hidden thoughts

I feel pathetic. I have no control. All I ever want to do is sleep and cry and I can't even do that. I keep waking up and having nightmares. I can't even cry. I feel disgusting.

I heard that song today. That song you sent to me. That song that represented so much for us. That song that showed me that you valued me. That I helped you. That I was your reason to stay strong. But now you are gone. That song means nothing but heartbreak now. All it does is make me feel lost. Empty. Alone. Hated. It makes my chest crunch up. My eyes tear up. And it makes my head mad. It makes me want to hit my head against the wall. I hate myself. I hate myself for making you leave. You said you never would. Yet you did.

I've never felt this empty and alone before. I feel like I'm breaking more and more and I don't know how to save myself this time.

I feel a lingering pain inside my chest. It feels like I'm going to puke. The burning sensation from crying fills up my eyes, yet no tears show up. My chest feels heavy and empty. My arms yelling for that sting. In my head a thousand questions echoes. But you are the loudest one. I need you but I can't have you. And it's hurting my soul. I feel empty. Disgusting. Hated and lonely. Stupid. Craving. Craving for you to be mine.

There's a rip. A tug. You hear a slight crack. It start to sting. It feels like someones digging sharp claws into it. The pain grows. The tug gets harder. Rougher. Your vusin gets blurry. You clutch your chest Your eyes start to tear up. You feel as it slowly get ripped to shreads. As it gets worse you grow used to it. It becomes the new normal. You walk around with that cutting feeling in your chest, acting like it's all the same. You try to hope that it will be okey. That the pain will fade. But deep inside you know it won't. The pain is there to stay. Heartbreak is constant. Feelings never fade.

I dream of how I put a gun to my head. Every night I blow my brain out. Is it a cry for help? I wake up feeling empty, not scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm already dead.

The hardest thing in life is missing someone you know you never will see again.

When you hit me I say sorry for being annoying. When you tell at me for no reason I say I'm sorry for being wrong. Sorry is my most used word. And I'm sorry for things I don't even cause. I apologise for the weather being bad, for you having nightmares, you missing the program you wanna see. Most of all I'm sorry for saying sorry all the time. Because I am legitimate sorry when I say it. And not in the I feel bad for you way, but in the I am a fucking moron I should be able to fix this kind of way.

You know that awful stench that comes from week old food that's been in the sun? That's how I feel inside.

And all i feel is tears down my cheeks and a lingering feeling of disgust in my chest.