#lonelyness

One of my older pieces. It's a pretty clumsy painting and not very good in composition: a bubble almost in the middle of the canvas, that draws all the attention, a rather poorly drawn human figure, water that doesn't look like water, etc. I very rarely include it among the showcase pieces when I show my best work somewhere for promotion, but, oddly enough, it's probably my favorite painting of all. I don't even know why.

a long way home

normal people, 2020/@ryebreadgf /ceilings - lizzy mcalpine/the haunting of hill house, shirley jackson/untitled, frank wright/unknown, from pinterest/nicolas martin, “dedicated to light”/you’re on your own, kid - taylor swift/edward hooper, “gayle on the f train”/@seashellronan/tolerate it - taylor swift/unknown/tv - billie eilish/unknown, from pinterest/@lustloveandliarsx/@finehoney/@farmlesbians/liability - lorde/i get so jealous of euthanized dogs - june gehringer/anne magill/you’re on your own, kid - taylor swift

Didn’t think I had it in me Didn’t think I’d ever say no But today I met a version of myself I didn’t even know Everybody askin’ how I’m livin’ since the day it all collapsed Used to answer with a substance,used to fall into the trap Every memory was pressure, every heartbeat was a blade Every thought about my daughter made me wanna fade away But today I felt that tremor, felt that grief inside my chest Old me would’ve hit the exit, old me would’ve said “I’m next” But the new me stepped in front of him, calm like “I got this” Didn’t shake, didn’t fold, didn’t fall into the abyss He said “you wanna change that?” Old me would’ve cracked But the new me answered for me Before I could react Turned down dope automatic Old me gone—no static Pain came back, I cracked it New me built like granite Heart still heavy, I manage Shadow on my back, I banish Grief hit hard, I didn’t panic New self talkin’—full savage Used to break when I felt somethin’, used to drown inside the dark Used to think I’d never make it, used to think I’d fall apart Used to think the meth-self owned me, used to think he ran the show Used to think I’d never see the day I’d tell that world “no” But today I felt that trigger, felt that ache behind my ribs And instead of reachin’ for destruction, I just stayed inside my skin Didn’t need a second thought, didn’t need a lifeline thrown Didn’t need to fight temptation — it just wasn’t mine to own He said “you wanna change that?” And I didn’t even flinch Didn’t bargain with the darkness Didn’t move an inch Turned down dope automatic Old me gone—no static Pain came back, I cracked it New me built like granite Heart still heavy, I manage Shadow on my back, I banish Grief hit hard, I didn’t panic New self talkin’—full savage I thought pain would always own me Thought the past would never fade Thought I’d drown inside the memories Thought I’d never see the day But something in me rose up When he asked if I would stay And I didn’t even think about it I just said “I’m okay” Turned down dope automatic Didn’t need strength, didn’t plan it Old self dead, I outlasted New me here—bombastic Pain hit deep, I surpassed it Life hit hard, I grabbed it Didn’t know I had this Now I live in full savage

When Regulus meets James, he's been lonely for so long, he's forgotten how to touch. When they get together, it takes him so long to get comfortable with touch, they spend so many nights next to each other, not touching, just being close. He'll sometimes allow James to cuddle him, or hold his hand, but he'll only accept so much touch before he gets fed up with it and needs space.