moonrift

Dick: Why am I your emergency contact?

Bat-Sib: Because you’d answer.

Jason: Fair.

Tim: Statistically accurate.

Bruce: …

⸻

Tim: I haven’t slept in 46 hours.

Bat-Sib: Rookie numbers.

Alfred: Neither of you are allowed near the coffee machine anymore.

⸻

Damian: I could defeat you in combat.

Bat-Sib: Probably.

Damian: …That wasn’t the response I expected.

Bat-Sib: Confidence is good for you.

⸻

Jason: Violence isn’t always the answer.

Bat-Sib: Wow. Character growth.

Jason: Sometimes it’s the question.

Bat-Sib: …

Jason: And the answer is yes.

⸻

Bruce: Where are your siblings?

Bat-Sib: Define “where.”

Bruce: …

Bat-Sib: Alive?

Bruce: That’s not what I asked.

⸻

Dick: Who ate my leftovers?

Silence.

Dick: I am not mad.

More silence.

Bat-Sib: He’s lying.

Everyone: Yeah.

⸻

Bruce: Stay together tonight.

Ten minutes later…

Bruce (over comms): Status report?

Dick: Lost Jason.

Jason: You didn’t lose me. I left.

⸻

Bat-Sib: If I accidentally committed a crime, would you help me?

Dick: I’d get you a lawyer.

Tim: I’d make an alibi.

Jason: I’d help hide the body.

Damian: I’d ask what took you so long.

Bruce: Absolutely not.

Alfred: Master Bruce, you once helped cover up six vigilantes hanging upside down from a gargoyle.

Bruce: …That was different.

⸻

Dick: Family game night!

Tim: Great.

Jason: Sure.

Damian: Acceptable.

Twenty minutes later…

Dick: WHY IS THE MONOPOLY BOARD ON FIRE?!

Bat-Sib: Jason lost.

Jason: I prefer the term “passionately disagreed with capitalism.”

⸻

Bruce: I told everyone not to do anything reckless while I was gone.

Alfred: And they listened.

Bruce: Really?

Alfred: No, sir. I simply wished for you to enjoy two seconds of hope before reality returned.

——

Y/N: If I die, promise me one thing.

Jason: Don’t.

Y/N: Promise you’ll delete my search history.

Jason: …Absolutely not.

Y/N: Jason.

Jason: I’m framing it.

⸻

Dick: How did you two get banned from the grocery store?

Y/N: Jason stole a shopping cart.

Jason: Borrowed.

Y/N: While I was still sitting in it.

Jason: You said you wanted to “go faster.”

⸻

Bruce: Why are you smiling?

Jason: Can’t a man be happy?

Bruce: You did something.

Jason: …

Bruce: What did you do?

Jason: Y/N and I adopted another stray cat.

Bruce: We already have—

Jason: Another.

⸻

Y/N: You know what’s a red flag?

Jason: Probably murder.

Y/N: No, I was gonna say not returning your shopping cart.

Jason: …

Y/N: Jason?

Jason: I have committed worse.

⸻

Jason: I can explain.

Y/N: Explain why there’s a goat in the Batcave.

Jason: That’s… surprisingly specific.

Y/N: Jason.

Jason: I can explain.

⸻

Y/N: You’re bleeding.

Jason: It’s fine.

Y/N: You’re literally dripping blood.

Jason: It’s called dramatic entrance.

Y/N: It’s called a trip to the ER.

⸻

Tim: What’s your love language?

Jason: Bullying.

Y/N: He’s telling the truth.

Jason: I bought you fries yesterday.

Y/N: See? Peak romance.

⸻

Bruce: Why is there glitter all over the Batmobile?

Jason: Y/N wanted to feel ✨magical✨.

Y/N: Jason hit a craft store display.

Jason: Both statements are true.

⸻

Y/N: Jason, catch!

Y/N throws the keys.

Jason doesn’t even try to catch them.

Keys: Hit him in the forehead.

Jason: I thought you meant emotionally.

⸻

Alfred: Master Jason, would you like tea?

Jason: No thanks.

Alfred: Y/N?

Y/N: Yes, please.

Alfred: Very good.

Jason: Wait… I actually do want tea.

Alfred: You had your chance.

Jason: I have been outplayed.

Damian: Drake and I have put our differences aside.

Tim: We have.

Dick: That’s great!

Jason: How?

Damian: We discovered we both enjoy insulting Todd.

Jason: Wow. Betrayed by my own siblings.

⸻

Bruce: Nobody is allowed to adopt any more animals.

Dick: Okay.

Jason: Fine.

Tim: Sure.

Damian: Understood.

Three hours later

Bruce: Why is there a cow in the Batcave?

Damian: You said nothing about livestock.

⸻

Alfred: Master Tim, have you slept?

Tim: I closed my eyes for a minute.

Alfred: When?

Tim: 2024.

⸻

Dick: I love all my siblings equally.

Jason: Earlier you said I was your favorite.

Dick: That’s because you’re standing here.

Tim: You told me I was your favorite yesterday.

Damian: Pathetic. He tells me every morning.

⸻

Dick: I can explain.

Bruce: Can you?

Jason: If it helps, I also can’t explain.

Tim: I can explain.

Bruce: Good.

Tim: I just don’t want to.

⸻

Bruce: Has anyone seen my grapnel gun?

Dick: No.

Jason: Nope.

Tim: Negative.

Damian: I have not.

Outside, a grapnel gun fires and a goat flies across the yard.

Bruce: …

Damian: I said I did not have it.

⸻

Jason: You know what? I don’t care what anyone says.

Tim: That’s literally your entire personality.

⸻

Dick: I made breakfast!

Tim: Why is it smoking?

Jason: Why is it moving?

Damian: Why is it looking at me?

Dick: You guys are so dramatic.

⸻

Bruce: How do normal families spend their weekends?

Dick: Movie nights.

Tim: Board games.

Jason: Family dinners.

Damian: Murder.

Bruce: Damian.

Damian: Attempted murder.

Bruce: DAMIAN.

⸻

Tim: I need caffeine.

Jason: You had six coffees.

Tim: I need seven coffees.

⸻

Dick: If anything happens to me—

Jason: It won’t.

Dick: You don’t even know what I was going to say.

Jason: If anything happens to you, it’ll somehow happen to all of us too.

⸻

Bruce: Why are you all covered in dirt?

Dick: We fell.

Jason: We were pushed.

Tim: Gravity happened.

Damian: We won.

⸻

Alfred: Master Damian, where is Titus?

Damian: Safe.

Alfred: Define safe.

Damian: Safer than Drake.

Tim: HEY!

⸻

Bruce: Family meeting.

Jason: Is this about the Batmobile?

Bruce: No.

Dick: Is this about the chandelier?

Bruce: No.

Tim: Is this about the police report?

Bruce: No.

Damian: Is this about the sword?

Opinions and thoughts?

Update: That said, this genuinely isn’t me attacking anyone or saying people can’t write what they want. Fanfiction is fanfiction, and people should absolutely write whatever makes them happy I just personally don’t read those kinds of fics.

I’m honestly just curious how other people in the fandom feel about it, because I’ve noticed it more lately.