𝙈𝘼𝘿𝙎 ᪥

We're talking about feeling alienated.

Now, my experience may be "contaminated" but I think my point still stands.

Being aroace/aspec sucks when you're surrounded by friends who have partners. By friends who put their partner WAY above friends. It sucks especially when you and your friend used to talk all day, and suddenly, it turns into a message per day. Then one per week.

It sucks because you know it's 'your fault' and that you can't blame them— they're building their life, it's fine if you're not in their daily routine. It's common.

But it hurts even more when, they break up, and your friend begins talking to you all day again. It feels like you're a quick-fix, someone that is there when they feel low, but never when they feel high. Sort of a substitute to love.

And it's a loop.

It also sucks when every one of your friends has a partner and you start to feel less. Sure, it's society's fault for pushing amanormativity, but you still feel like that.

It's funny because your 'inability' to fall in love is a joke among them.

"You're the only one I know who doesn't long/search for a relationship," but you do long for the closeness, for the trust, the mutual caring.

And here it goes. Feeling like you never fit in.

Everyone around you is searching for love, even finding it, going as far as disappearing from your life for it.

And there you stand, wanting to hang out with your friends. Just have fun. But they have other things! They have their partners. They have their partner's family—

Anyone but you.

And they talk about love, they talk about intimacy, and they talk talk talk.

You wonder, is it really that good? Is love worth all this hype?

Why not me?

I don't get crushes or fall in love. instead, I become obsessed with people. I feel absolute loyalty and devotion to them. I'd do anything they ask without question. it's instinctive and automatic, I don't even think about it. I become their servant and follow them around like a puppy. every minimal attention from them gives me infinite joy.

this is always one sided and everyone eventually gets creeped out or annoyed and leaves. it breaks me every time. yet I can't stop it from happening. I try to hold back but it's almost impossible.

My BPD causes me to fixate on random people and become extremely attached to them and desperately want to be their priority like they are for me, but I never will because even if they don't already have closer friends, they'll definitely prioritise their partner over me. I almost wish I could force myself to date them in spite of my sexuality, but that would be unfair both to them and myself, and I simply don't want any part in that.

People always tell me "you can just meet other aroace people and then you can be their priority!" But it's really not the be-all solution they think it is. Firstly, I cannot control who I develop my FP attachment to and unfortunately it has always been allos or at the very least, partnering people, so far. Secondly, do you realise just how many extremely rare occurrences would all have to align in order for that to solve this issue? I'd have to meet someone who is also aromantic and asexual and non-partnering all at once which is already extremely rare, and they'd have to actually like me and I'd have to like them an equal amount and both of us would have to want to be each other's Priority, the chances of all that overlapping in one person is so rare. Either that or finding an allo person who doesn't treat friendships any lesser than relationships, but in this society that's pretty much impossible.

How utterly devastating it is to see your best friend pick someone over you, and little by little fades you out of their life. And all you can do is watch…

Watch how yet another person favors others over you. Prioritises anyone but you. Even though you had always prioritized them…

Watch how the person that was supposed to be your friend, treats you worst than a mere acquaintance would.

the cute ones...

the crazy ones...i don't care.

bumblebees are going extinct and i think now is a time to let everyone know that pesticides aren’t the way to go. there are infact alternatives to pesticides that are cheaper and safer.

like caffeine! bees love the smell of caffeine, and it doesn’t hurt them. however every other dangerous bug is repulsed by the smell and wont eat your plants.

it’s that simple! it’s that fucking simple! all you have to do is get some coffee beans or whatever. put it in a cup. put some water in it. put it in a spray bottle. boom! that’s all!