WTF, Evolution?!

Some people bake for the holidays. Evolution makes hundreds of perfectly round, pointy-eared, ridiculous-nosed bats. Bring some to your family gathering this year! 

“Good lord, evolution, what is that?”

“It’s a flannel moth caterpillar I just finished. Funny little guy, huh?”

“It’s sort of… terrifying.”

“What? Nah. Look, it’s mostly hair. Pretty irritating, maybe, but there’s not much room for brains under there. It can’t actually do anything.”

“Okay, if you say so. But then where are you going to put it? Like, what is its ecological niche going to be?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Do I have to think of everything? I mean, I guess it could run for president of the United States.”

Chin up, sea toad. Evolution may have given you a grumpy face, a potato-sack body, and what looks like a permanent case of chin rash, but at least you got legs, right? How many fish get legs? Legs are probably good for something underwater, right? They probably are. I mean, they certainly don’t look useless dangling from your weird little abdomen like that while you swim. Not useless at all. You really are a lucky fish.

“Oh, that’s a cute one, evolution! What is that?”

“It's a hyrax! It pees in holes.”

"Huh."

“Guess what it's most closely related to.”

“I don't know, what?”

“No, guess.”

“I mean… rodents, right? It's a rodent?”

“Nope. Teeth are different.”

“Oh. Um, is it some kind of tiny fat dog?"

“What? No.”

“Oh! Is it like that weird miniature deer you did?”

“Ha, no. That was a good one, though.”

“Okay, fine. I give up. What is the hyrax most closely related to?”

“Elephants and manatees.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“Nothing in between?”

“Not really, no.”

“I just... how? Why?”

“Dunno. I like messing with you, mostly.”

“Hey, look! If I have this Taonius squid float around with its arms above its head, it kind of looks like a funny bird.”

“More like an uncannily murderous bird, evolution.”

“Potayto, potahto.”

“That’s a cute little bug, evolution!”

“Yes, thank you! It’s a beaded lacewing. I’m just finishing up the larval form’s feeding mechanism now.”

“Oh yeah? What do the larvae eat?”

“Termites.”

“Hm. Those can be hard to catch, can’t they? Don’t you want to give the lacewing some stronger legs or giant trap-jaws or something?”

“Nah, it’s fine. It’s going to paralyze the termites first.”

“Paralyze them? How will it do that?”

“With toxic gas.”

“Come on, where does it get toxic gas?”

“From its anus.”

“... I’m sorry, what?”

“It can release toxic gas from its anus.” 

“Okay, but...”

“It sneaks up and farts on the termites’ heads until they pass out, and then it eats them. I don’t know what you’re not getting about this.”

“I just... I don’t... um...”

“It’s doing the termites a favor, really. That way they don’t have to feel it when the lacewing punctures their abdomen with its mouthparts and starts digesting them from the inside. Anyway, break for lunch?”

“No thanks, I think I’m good.”

“Any exciting weekend plans, evolution?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I’ll probably just stay in and put weird things on birds again.”

“Really? Don’t you do that like all the time?”

“Yeah, so? It’s not like this comb duck is going to festoon itself.”

“Oh man, I just learned a cool trick with the trap-jaw ant.”

“What’s that, evolution?”

“Well, I gave them those huuuuuge snapping mandibles to crush prey, right?”

“Yeah, those seem effective.”

“They’re working great. And I just realized they can help it with predators, too.”

“Really? Aren’t its predators huge?”

“Yeah, but if the ant snaps those big jaws against the ground, it can catapult itself it into the air.”

“Catapult?”

“Yeah! It just kind of flings itself away from the attacker at great speed.”

“Huh, okay. And what’s going to happen when it comes back down?”

“Oh, come on, I can’t figure everything out.”

"Evolution, what are those flatworms doing?"

"Oh, they're getting ready to penis-fence."

"Penis... fence?"

"Yeah. They're hermaphrodites, so either of them can inseminate the other one to reproduce, but neither one actually wants to be inseminated."

"They... don't?"

"Well, no. It's much easier to be the inseminator. I kind of set it up so that actually bearing the offspring totally sucks. Haha, whoops!"

"So... they're going to..."

"Try to stab each other with their two-pronged penises while simultaneously avoiding getting stabbed themselves, yes."

"Jesus."

"The good news is that there's no real reproductive opening, so they can just pierce the skin wherever and get the sperm in."

"That's the good news?"

"Well, I thought so. Ooh, they're starting! Fatherhood to the victor!"

"It is way too early in the morning for this."

Source: Wikimedia Commons / Photo courtesy of Nico Michiels / licensed under CC BY 2.5

"Ooh, that’s a nice fish, evolution."

"Oh, thanks! I’m pleased."

"What is it called?"

"This one’s a pearlfish."

"Lovely. And what does it eat?"

"Little invertebrates, that kind of thing."

"Delightful. And where does it live?"

"Inside the anus of a sea cucumber.”

"Oh, for Christ's sake."

"What? It’s a fine place. Safe, sheltered, just the right size for the fish to squeeze in.”

"And you were doing so well for a minute there, too."