thoughts of anxiety

We all met people for a reason. So make sure to be ready when unexpected things happens.

I was talking to a guy for almost 6 months, we always talk everyday talk about our lives and what happened to our daily work. Until I got attached, but I am so afraid that we might not have the same intensions with each other, so I still talk to him even though I am not sure if this is going somewhere. Until one day, it suddenly stopped. We lost our contact with each other, he starts not replying. And that's how I realized that there's nothing going between us. We are just friends. That 6 months of continuously talking with each other is just nothing.... for him.

That's why I decided not to message him anymore, cause remember no answer is an answer.

Until I met another guy, we have been talking for a few weeks, we connected a lot in different ways. Interests and hobbies. After a few weeks of talking, its weird and strange that I felt something different. He makes me feel happy everyday in that 1 week span. And I know he feels the same way because he is very vocal about it. He keeps saying that I am adorable, and likes everything about me. Until we decided to take it to the next step.

That's the time I realized that, it's not really about the timeline, it's about the intention of the person you will meet. You might be able to meet a someone and stay in your life for almost a year but in the end, their intention is not to pursue you. Then you will meet again someone and get to know them for a week but they will let you feel that you're their universe.

I am talking to a guy for 4 months now, if you can remember, he was the guy in my previous note. We are still happy and talking everyday, sometimes we don’t have a good topic but still we enjoy each others virtual company (or is it just me?) 

Now, I am confused whether if I do like him or I was just attached to him. 

Whenever I think that one we might lose our contact, I feel very sad. I don’t want to lose him, I don’t want to put all our conversation in a waste... so I think I like him. 

But, we haven’t saw each other yet, we haven’t still done a videocall. We only have each other’s picture, so I really don’t have the idea what does he looks like now. Is it really possible to like someone just based on how he delivers his text messages?... in that instance, I feel that it was just an attachment.

I tried to read some blogs in the internet based on the differences of Love and Attachment.. But I feel like it will not help at all, I just became more confused. So I decided to just feel what I really feel for him and try to tell him that. 

All I know is I care for this person, and I feel like my soul is connected to him. I feel like we are aligned with each other and we have the same wavelength. 

Sooooo, here’s the tea!!!! 

As I’ve said in my previous blog, I started talking to this guy via online. So just a quick story on how we cross our path...I downloaded this application wherein you can use it for learning other languages. You can interact with people who are learning your native/main language.

To cut the story short... He messaged me on that app, and asking if we can exchange language. So I said yes! And another yes because he is not a Filipino, he is a Korean learning English, and I am learning Korean.

03/08/2023 at 10:02AM, I can always remember the date and the time. That was the start of our first ever conversation. Will not go into details because we might now know what will happen in the future. Upon talking to him and upon getting to know him, I can tell that we have lots in common, almost same name, same taste on movies, dramas, and music, same favorite flavor of ice cream, almost same birthday. Every time I get to know him, it leaves me surprised and shocked because its always similar to mine.

I don’t know if its destiny, fate, or the angels in heaven are giving me signs but... I don’t want to dwell on it this early. I don’t want to expect. Because every time I expect it always turns the table down, and I don’t want that to happen here. Because I am enjoying it. I enjoy everything about him. His company, his presence, his ‘good morning’ texts, the way he updates me. I enjoy it... a lot. 

I actually don’t know what say anymore as an update in my life. But for the first quarter of 2023, I have never been this happy in my life. It may still be not perfect but at least I know in myself that I am getting somewhere. For other people it might just be nothing to them, but for me I really feel contended. And that is what important. 

I have been busy with my job for the first years of 2023, I didn’t have any complaint about my work even if sometimes my boss is a little bit bossy. I just tend to enjoy my life while working. Maybe the reason for that is, I experienced having no job for 2 years, so now that I have one, I shouldn’t let go of it. 

When it comes to financial status, I have never been this proud to myself. I have savings in my bank, savings in my insurance, and savings in my investments. I really feel like I have matured a lot when it comes to handling and budgeting my expenses. 

Love life, the most interesting topic for me. To be honest, I am currently not that looking for one. But... I am currently talking to someone.... as a friend... but.... I just hope that he will be the one. 

I will not go into details, and let me talk about him in other post. 

To wrap up my 2023 first quarter, it started with full of happiness and growth. I just hope I continue to live like this.. not only for this year but the rest of my life. 

2022 is a year of ups and downs for me. Until now, I cannot believed that I have a full time work and now has another goal for me to accomplish. But before that, let me share with you the happenings of my life this 2022. 

During the first up to the third quarter has been very hard for me. I am still working as an ESL teacher and my students starts to decrease, there were also some times wherein I do not have any classes before the students doesn’t want to book my schedule time. I always had a hard time to save money and pay for my insurance. Working as an ESL teacher for 2 years is really hard especially when you are not that competitive. In 2 years of teaching I do not have any savings for myself, I cannot even buy some clothes or foods if I want to, because I always think how can I survive and pay for bills if I will use the money to buy things for myself. 

Not until, my friends working in a big company, told me that they are hiring, I quickly sent my resume to them and waited to be contacted. But months has passed I haven’t received any feedbacks from them. I am so close to look for another job because I got discouraged but then when the fourth quarter of the year came, that is how my life started to change. 

Around September, I got hired to their company! In 4 months staying in the company, I already have savings in my account and I can buy the things I wanted and even what my family wants. I can buy them nice gifts and delicious foods. I finally have the life that I wanted after 2 years of praying, ranting, and enduring all the pains and failures.

I have realized that all things really takes time, it will come to you at the right time and moment when you need it the most. Good thing, I didn’t stop waiting patiently, because if I ever decided to give up, my waiting time will return to the start. 

2022 may not be the best year for me, but I know this is the start of the something new in my life. We will continue that self love this 2023, because I realized that you can accomplish a lot when you start to love and believed in yourself!

Finally, after 2 years, I checked another goal of the table and that is to have a nice life and be financially stable. Now, off to create another goal to be fulfilled this 2023. 

Last August 5, I saw this post on Facebook wherein you will choose a color in the picture and when you clicked it there is a message for you.

I choose the color blue, and this is the message that is written there; “The job that you’ve been hoping and praying for is going to be yours soon. Don’t give up hope. You’re on the right track”. By that time, I really have no idea which company will contact me first because I applied for more than 3 companies.

But, later that day, I received this emails.

One of the companies that I applied for sent me two emails. Both Initial and Final Interview on Monday, August 8. I literally stopped moving that time and just looked and reread the emails again just to make sure I am read it correctly. 

Fast forward on Monday, that interview when smoothly and I had high hopes that I will get the job. But still it depends on them after their deliberation and assessments. 

And now, this day. August 15, 1 week has passed since my interviews. I received another email from the HR department. 

I finally got the job and I just need to wait for the Job Offer!!!!! I literally cannot believed it. After almost 2 years of looking for jobs and rejections, I finally got a job!!! I will surely treat this job as a gem because I have done a lot just to have this job. I will treasure this and do my very best! 

Truly, do not give up! If you are currently experiencing some hardships right now, some problems, you can take a rest and stop for the meantime for you to breath but do not give up! Do not quit! 

When it is really your time, HE will really give it to you in unexpected ways. 

And in the end, when you finally got what you wanted and when God finally gave it you, it really feels great, because you didn’t give up. You trusted Him until the very end. 

That 2 years of job hunting and rejections for didn’t let me down, didn’t let me stop to keep looking for a possible company, I have learned a lot of lessons and I have learned to be more patient in life. That you cannot get the things that you want in an instant. You need to wait for the right time.

I have been in a waiting season of my life for almost 2 years. I already feel so impatient, that is why I keep on looking for jobs, but then I think it’s really not yet my time. 

Recently, I applied for a job as Marketing officer in one of the hospitals in my area, I have 2 years experience as a Marketing Officer and it is also from a Medical field, so I think that this job posting is really for me. 

But it turns out that, the HR officer ridiculed me, because I applied as Marketing officer to their company, she even said that my experiences are not valid as a Marketing officer because it is lacking so much. She said that I only have the traditional and less basic knowledge about the job. Which hurts my pride so much. 

I feel so ashamed to be honest, I am applying for a job with the same position as my previous one because I wanted to grow more in the field. Instead of focusing on things that I can do, she only focus on the things that I cannot do- which is kind of unfair. I know that my experiences is not enough, instead of putting me down why don’t you just give me a chance? I am very open to explore more and grow more. 

But then, I realized that maybe it’s not really for me. That if ever she hired me, I need to deal with them everyday, they will ridicule me everyday. 

I feel like whenever I am about to write something here in my tumblr, it’s all about hardship. Well to be fair, nothing is still coming in my way for my life. There is no good news yet. 

I am battling with stress again these week, I am thinking of the worst case scenario that will happen in my life. Maybe I will celebrate another Christmas being sad, I will celebrate another New Year being sad. Maybe I will not found a job, and I will remain like this for my whole entire life. 

People might think that I am okay, but deep inside I am not. 

I have been looking for job last week up until this week, but there is no suitable job for me. The requirements are way to high for my experiences and I know that they will not give a shot at me. 

I have been praying since then but until now, its been a year and half and I am still like this. I have been the best that I can everyday, but I feel like He doesn’t want to give me a beautiful life. They said keep your trust at Him, He is just testing you. He will give it to you at the right time. But when is that right time??!?!? I literally need it now because I already have no hope for my future! 

I spent my day just thinking and being stress on how can I manage to have a good financial status, and how can I help my family for the daily expenses. Because I am not doing anything!

I hate myself so much! I really do.

Hey there,

I feel something weird today. I literally woke up feeling a little bit positive and happy but I don’t know why or what is the reason. 

These past few years, months, weeks, and even days have been a rough and hard times for me and for my life. But one thing for sure that I know; after I cry every night, I always thank God for all the brokenness that I felt. 

I do not forget to Thank Him still even if I am encountering problems in my life. 

Why? 

I learned and realized that after a storm there is always a rainbow. Meaning, after all the problems that I have encountered, after all the negative things, and bad things that happened in my life. I still believed that there will be a bigger blessing that God will give me. 

And I cannot wait for that. 

It has been 4 months since I posted here in my tumblr. 

To be honest, still, there is nothing good happening in my life. I am still in the same pace. 

Still unemployed, still striving in life. 

I received a lot of negative and bad news in the last 4 months. I was planning to work to another country, I have been waiting for that and getting ready for the application for at least 7 months, but then I got disapproved. I feel bad for myself also I feel like I am really not that good enough even if I am really trying hard. 

I try to move on, but then my part time job right now currently demote my rank and also cut of my salary. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I try to be positive as much as possible but then I feel the universe is stopping me from being positive. 

What I feel right now is, I am currently at the rock bottom of my life, literally, I am just waiting for the sand to eat me up and disappear from this world.

I woke up at 2/22/22, with tears in my eyes. I should be happy today because it is my birthday, I finally turned 24! But I don’t know. The first thing that comes up in my mind when I woke up are some pressure for myself. 

I got pressured because time goes by so quickly! The last good memory that I had was when I was 20 years old who finally got her first job and first salary. But now, I am 24, no proper job, broke, and depressed. I even didn’t know where did the past 3 years of my life went. It is not that even clear in my memory. 

Now that I am 24, I feel lots of pressure when it comes to myself. I need to find and to have a good and better job for my future. I am becoming older and older and my parents are becoming older as well. As much as possible I want them to feel to have a better life, but how can I do that if I am like this? 

For the last 3 years since the pandemic starts I have been applying to different jobs, small companies to big companies but they all rejected me. Can you guys even give a chance to have my life back things together again? 

Why are things not coming in my way? Why do I need suffer this way? I am so tired. Every year passed I become more pressured and sad about my life. I am so fucking tired to fight. When will I get the wonderful life that I deserved? I’ve been doing my very since the beginning, but still-- I think it’s not enough.

Well, there’s nothing I can do about it. Maybe I just really need to keep on trying because life is like a lottery, you just need to be lucky. 

Indeed, Happy Birthday, self. Wishing you more years. But I promise you someday, when you write another birthday letter for yourself, You will be living in a wonderful life, a life that you always dreamed off. 

Life has been hard for me these past few years-- when the pandemic happens to be exact. I don’t know which path should I go for. I have no proper job, I have no proper source of income, I haven’t achieved anything in life. 

I became more jealous to all the people that surrounds me, those people whose been receiving a lot of recognitions, those people whose been successful in life, and those people at my age getting married and having wonderful families. 

I became depressed because I looked like a no one. I haven’t done anything good in my life. I was thinking is this a karma? To all the bad things that I did before? I always question myself “Why can’t I be like them?”, “Why can’t I be successful like them?”, “Why do I need to suffer like this?”. 

But, I also realize that if you will look life in a negative way, you will just get more depressed and stressed. Everything happens for a reason. I am here in this stage of my life, in my deepest downfall in life because I know someday I will have my time to get on top just like other people. If I will just wait. 

We cannot make something happens instantly in less than 24 hours or in 24 hours, in life we should know how to wait and to have lots of patience. That is why patience is a virtue. 

Also, I am living the life that I prayed before-- having a work from home job to fully focus on my business. This is what I am doing now,  but It didn’t worked out? It just means this is not for me and I am taking the wrong road of my life.  

I’ve been looking at my memories for last year in my Facebook and Instagram accounts. I saw a post where I received a lot of blessings exactly this day last year. I have been healed from PCOS and I had accepted my current job now. 

That time, I didn’t expect those blessings because I’ve always been stressed because of that, I didn’t think it will happen faster than I had imagined. But then, if you put your trust in HIM and trust HIS timing everything will be okay. 

These days, I know that all of us here are having a bad day or having a stressful life because of what is happening to the world. Let’s just not forget to pray and trust HIS actions.