20-something

Broken and alone, she cried and cried. She wanted to believe in his potential, that he could come back and face him in her, but he never did. He wasn’t ready. He was honest. The honesty cut like a knife. She still cries alone at night, thinking back to when they were angels together in Eden. 

I yawn a lot but i think my soul’s tired. Rehashing and rewiring the elements of my self has made it harder to get up before noon. I hear the birds chirping, but the cloudy skies don’t look so inviting. I’ve got to purge. I have this fantasy of squeezing out all the impurities in my face as a sort of emptying. I want the birds to come in through the window screen and peck at me until I’m no longer of flesh, only bone. The bell tolls, a hollow gong. I am mine once again. I’ve got the face of a soldier who has seen plenty of wars. Reality comes knocking on my door, and I’m ready to answer, but stern. This is the effects of an energy callback. The pendulum swings. 

I love you forever, my dear friend. You showed me what intimacy is, and that’s a gift I take with me as I go on. You opened my heart, and let me experience the depths of my emotions. You broke my fears, and I guess I wanted to return the favor. But some fears are too deep, and the hurt too raw. That’s okay. I can learn to accept limits. My own and yours. Thank you for your final gift to me. Accepting and honoring myself as I am now, fears, limits, and all.

I don't take anything too seriously. Maybe that's how I'm able to come and go as things come and go naturally. There's no such thing as permanence in my world, I've learned that long ago. This can come manifest as abandonment issues, but there's another side to the coin called adaptability. I can change like the weather and it's nothing to me. I can roll with the punches and let it wash over me and I'm still whole. I just stand still, and wait for the fire ache in my heart to subside.

The pain and the aches subside when I realize that you’re holding up a mirror. The ego wants to scratch and break it cuz it can’t stand to look at itself in the eyes. What fun!

A ladybug with no spots. I'm a ray of light, a girl with a sunny disposition. They try to understand me, but they never will. They've never lived the life I have, not with the mind I have either. There's no use in making them. To continue to live the life that feels most authentic to me is all that I can do. No one needs to understand —

The inner critic — a being with no mercy.

Do you see her?

Walked around a lot and found my heart in the acorn between the squirrel's little hands as he buried it in the dirt. Pat, pat, pat, to make sure it stays put. I found my love in the setting sunlight, illuminated further by the reflections made by the water rippling, reflections breaking, but never dimming, only growing brighter and brighter that it hurts your eyes if you look too long. There's no such thing as silence while you're still alive. I put my writing away in drawers, sometimes in cars, and I forget them. Pieces of my heart logged and forgotten, to be dispersed into the world. I close my eyes and let the waves inside my chest rock me to sleep. The ocean's daughter. Mother nature's son. I am but one, letting it all flow through me, leaving me teary-eyed but grateful.

I’ve got something on my mind.

If you don't bend, you break. I'm bending. Had I been rigid like I once was in the past, I would have broken long ago. I'm not too absurd with my line, it's the one hard line in the sand I've drawn. And who did I seek comfort and support from? A cold, hard wall as tall as the eye can see. One part of me says that I should've known better, the other is proud of me for being vulnerable and giving chances. I guess it shows that I'm still soft. I hope to be soft forever. For life not to harden me but to keep me supple.

Today I rescued a stray puppy and got to see him go to a loving home.