In addition to the great “getting rid of white supremacists ups your Honor stat” bit I found in #RedDeadRedemption2, I want to tell you a story. The events are real. Settle in, it’s a STORY THREAD. In the game you play an outlaw, but I am the most noble and kind outlaw I can be. I was short on cash to upgrade my camp, where people were going hungry. So I decide to hit up a sheriff station and grab a bounty. $100! A big one. Unfortunately I could not hunt said bounty because I had a $15 bounty on my own head (it was all a simple misunderstanding, I assure you). So I ride to the telegraph station and pay off my bounty. Eh, cuts into my take of the $100, but not a big deal. Riding out to the last known location of said bounty, a JACKASS rides right into me. Both of us and our horses take a mudbath. After much cursing I get up, my horse gets up... and the guy shoots me! (told you he was a jackass) Motherfucker YOU ran into ME! I’m not gonna kill him, but i’m not opposed to beating his face. So I hit him a few times, all the while he’s still SHOOTING at me. A witness runs to the cops... who charge ME with assault. So now I’m on the run with, you guesssed it, another $15 bounty on my head. I beat feet out of town, then sneak back in unseen and pay the new second bounty. FINALLY I can ride out to catch this guy and get the bounty on him and still net $70. I leave the telegraph office and immediately get on the wrong horse. I GOT RIGHT BACK OFF. You have to understand. It looked just like mine. I GOT RIGHT BACK OFF. A witness reported me for horse theft. BOUNTY OF $30 ON MY HEAD. After nearly dying multiple times as the cops shot me to pieces for deigning to sit on the wrong horse for three seconds, sneaking back through alleyways in the dark of night, I make it back to the telegraph office AGAIN and pay off my bounty. Catching this other dude is now going to net me only $40. Whatever, now I’m pissed, this fucker is going down. He’s holed up in an old fort with a fucking CHAIN GUN but I persevere and take him and his entire gang down. I load him up on my horse, head back into town, excited to finally get my reward... so much so I forget how to slow my horse and crash through a crowd of people outside the sheriff station. I get off my horse, worried, but all seems okay. Hm. I drop off my albatross and collect my $100 (net $40). Phew. The second I do the FUCKING COPS START SHOOTING AT ME. A witness from my collision with the crowd just reported me for DISTURBING THE PEACE. Fuck this noise. I bolt out of the station, hop on my horse, speed on out of town. In the course of this I may or may not have had physical altercations with the constabulary, so the bounty on my head is now $50 (net... -$10). A brief aside on my horse. She was the first thing I bought, she was magnificent and red, and I had her mane braided and she had a long swishy tail and her name was Churro. We had reached maximum bonding level and no finer steed had a cowfolk ever seen. So Churro and I are heading to a new county, going to put all that nonsense behind us. I spy an altercation to the side of the trail, looks like two folks with a wagon are being robbed by bandits. Uh uh. Not on my watch. I ride in, dismount, bring my trusty repeater to bear. In trying to defend themselves from the bandits, ONE OF THE VICTIMS FUCKING KILLED CHURRO. I took out the bandits, but not before they took out both victims. Now I’m stranded in a county with four dead bodies, a dead horse, and a $50 bounty on my head. Well fuck. Might as well see what’s in the wagon, nobody’s gonna miss it now. Oh, canned fruit. Super. I remove my saddle from Churro (listen, I loved her, but I paid good money for that saddle and I’m not leaving it behind and going even FURTHER in the hole on this ordeal). No sooner do I get it removed than two passerby ride up. Hello, gents. Uh, no, this isn’t what it looks like. These bodies were... dead. When I found them. No no this is MY saddle, I’m not stealing- where are you going? WHY ARE YOU CALLING FOR THE POLICE?? I drop the saddle and lasso a guy, hogtie him so he can’t report me. I’m not gonna hurt him, you know, but geez. While I’m lassoing and hogtieing the second guy, the first gets free. While I go after him, the second gets free, gets to his horse and rides off. Fuck. The bounty on my head now climbs to around $100 for MURDER (I didn’t fucking murder anyone!) and I’m alone in a forest at night carrying a motherfucking heavy saddle for miles and miles and miles, no horses or towns in sight. Sticking to the trees I avoid the cops and bounty hunters, make it to a stable. They have ONE horse for sale and it’s fucking $115! So I go out back to their pasture, try to make friends with the horses there. I get kicked in the head two or three times, but one smallish one doesn’t reject me. We make friends. I feed him, brush him, give him sugar cubes and carrots and oat cakes (I fucken treated Churro right) and I get the dopamine hit of the little plus sign by the horse. He’s taking to me. Lets me saddle him. And so I steal him and we fuck right off out of Lemoyne county, fucking good riddance. And that’s the story of how Churro II (see photo) saved me and became my new best friend. And all it cost me was $110 and a dead horse. Et fin.













