Write it or shout it

i need to get my space, but i dont know if im ready to move to my own place and be independent, i need to get a job, i would need to pay water and light, also i would need to buy stuff like a refrigerator, stove, bed, etc.

My home sickens me. i feel bad all the time. I don’t know if i can handle it anymore, i don’t think i  would choose suicide as a exit, i don’t really think so.. because i want to know if it gets better, that this is just an awful phase most of the people go thru. And also, the other day mom cried because a singer that she loved died, seeing her like that i kinda promise myself i would never do something to make her cry like that or worse (she really cried like a little girl). 

So... it’s been a long time since i really feel like liking someone, about 3 years i think. But lately I've been thinking about someone more constantly than i do, i will not get into details, but the thing is that i think i kinda like him but at the same time i think its other fact that im focus on, the fact that i feel like something is missing in this part of my life, i know having a couple is not something necessary, obviously. Its just that i think i like him because he’s always, and i meant it, always there for me, if i see the world black, he sees it colorful, i’m a very negative persons most of the time, but he isn't, he sees all things as an opportunity. Sometimes that really annoys me but cheer me up at the same time. So as i was saying, I've been thinking to talk with him about it, he always brings the topic but i always avoid it, but the same reason i avoid it and that i only think about it but never really bring it to the conversation is that I don’t see myself in a relationship, i don’t see me holding hands, sending cheesy texts, talking most of the days about how my day went, and thing couples do, i thought about taking a risk, try it and go very slow but i cant, i cant do that to him, put him thru all my faces of anger, anxiety, etc. And it’s not only that, maybe it sound rude or i don’t know maybe even weird but also i don’t know if its really all about me of the fact that i never thought about him in that way, i also don’t see us as a couple, when a think about this and put it as i was telling him already and then maybe later i find myself with someone ( i don’t really think it would happen but im just thinking about all the possibilities) I cant help myself thinking about the movie “500 days of summer” the part when she’s finally with someone but not with him, and she tells him that one day she just woke up and knew what she never was sure with him; very dramatic, but in a kind way i relate to this story, or not the story but with her,i don’t know, i’m not even a fan of the movie, i just saw it once when my best friend force me to see it. 

Do you ever think about suicide? I do, all the time. Not in a way that I just want to make people feel pity for me, never. Just in a way that I sometimes wonder what I’m really doing here, long time ago I understood there no porpoise in life, there’s only what you want to get and what do you decide to do about it. Well that’s my problem I don’t know what I want exactly, I just know I want to make ‘something’ that changes 'something’ and I don’t know how to do it because I do t even have a clearly idea what I want. And it’s so frustrating not being able to talk about it with anybody because you don’t know how to express yourself or you think about it and feel like it’s something stupid that you shouldn’t have that kind of problems you should be able to fix it yourself.

But ok, suicide, I know suicide it’s an a cowardly thing to do, i think i would never be able to do it, i still think deep inside of me that i’ll find what i’m looking for and have a good adult life. 

But the feeling about being drown with all this thoughts, living in a world everyone is making something (i like to think so) the wars, the constantly false politics and people, the sick ambition, and other stuff It simply makes hard to want to live in this kind of world. 

i wish i could write scripts for cinema ideas i wish i could use programs to create CGI i wish i could have the ability to draw i wish i could always or maybe sometimes be creative i wish i could be more enthusiastic about things i wish i could interact with people without feeling uncomfortable

01/15/16

I think that at this age it’s essential to know what’s your motivation, what is what you want to do with your future. You’re beginning to be an adult,and being an adult means you have to take decisions without any help of others.

So here’s the thing, i went to a meeting about a business with a friend, and they talk about that you a to be a visionary and know your goals, they ask us to write down on a paper three of our motivations and three fears. My mind went totally blank. I know my fears, they usually are about not succeeding in life, afraid never knowing what to do, but my motivation...that i had no idea, sure i have this little goals like buying my mom her dream house,and others goals about my family, but what about the things that i have to do to lead me there.

When you can’t answer yourself a simple question like “where do you see yourself in 5 years?” you enter to a crisis full of fear, anger that equals anxiety,not a very good mood to take important decisions.

01/11/16