Working Progmess

Today is the first day I've not cried in about a week. I had a bit of a heavy heart this morning and had some moments when I felt I could have started crying but i hope I'm getting out the other end!

I'm so excited to feel like me again.

So today has been mostly lows. I've cried a lot today and I've still not been able to listen to music without upsetting myself. I however think I'm coming out the other end slightly. I'm trying to see the positives in small things so I think today I need to start listing nice things that happend so I don't dwell on the sadness

- I went to a customer today to introduce myself and afterwards, he added me on Instagram and I laughed at the thought this 23 year old thought I was hot or of age to be added online

- my boss was incredibly kind to me even when I was a feeling low

- my mum left me soup in the fridge so I didn't need to worry about making dinner when I came home from my travels

- I got to see the new episode of ted lasso which was really lovely to see

- people on the dating sites have been really lovely and it's making me detached a bit and feel less offended when someone doesn't message me back

- I've narrowed my close friends down on Instagram so I can be vulnerable with the people I care about instead of who I think is my close friends

- my dad has kindly sorted out my front door so I just need to paint it pretty

- I have a quiet day tomorrow planned but I'm going to go to Starbucks and sort out all my reports while our and about so I don't feel so alone

I'll get there but to get over it, you need to go through it 🖤

Here is a picture of the hotel I stayed in last night for work

I'm not doing any better and I'm still feeling so empty

I don't even have anything to say apart from I'm so lonely.

I've not slept great last night and feeling really low today. I've cried multiple times and sat thinking hope was something of fairy tales.

I know I'm not at my lowest as I've been to rock bottom and know it's rougher but I just feel stupid and a bit of a mug.

I don't have any pics of me today that I want to share as it's only of me crying so instead, here is my comfort pal Guss. I got him the other day as all the toys I have been bought for me by other people. Wanted something of my own.

I feel a little less love today

So we have just had the whirl wind of the century

Picture this. I see a band nearly two years ago and think OMG, that guy is beautiful! I turned to my partner at the time and went 'hes my hall pass'. We laughed and it became a running joke for me. Id tell friends and family oh he's my hall pass and we would all laugh.

Skip to end of June and my partner and I split and and go our separate ways. I keep my head down, had a slight situationship that definitely wasn't healthy and ended it before I fell too hard.

Skip to when I said I bumped into my said celebrity crush on my mental health walk this week and I messaged to thank him for his kindness and looked forward to their show in December. Two days later I post my monthly photo dump and who messages me privately and says 'tremendous'......internal screaming. I've now grown some huge amount of balls and given this guy my number.

So my Saturday was spent walking up konic hill thinking what the hell has happened and what do I actually do with myself now that I have this guy's number.

Worst of it all is I've been married before and I'm struggling to navigate dating especially since it's so unpredictable and unstable. He owes me absolutely nothing but I still sit here hoping he thinks of me and wants to message me. He probably has people throwing themselves on him that silly me will be not even a thought in his mind.

It's made me realise I'm struggling mentally to cope with not being someone's somebody. I have such an abundance of love and want to give it to someone but I'm romantising someone I don't even know. It's incredibly unhealthy so to cope I'm just channeling myself into decorating my flat and watching positive movies

Here is me up konic hill enjoying a mental crisis

It wasn't too bad a morning today. I went to work and spoke to some familiar faces on my calls. It definitely perked me up. I went to get the girls and I cakes from Lily Bakes and went to Braehead to shop about for a bit.

Id be listening to my playlist that I add to when someone recommends a song so I can learn new genres. It came onto a song and I was listening to the lyrics and I just reverted back to my somber mood. Felt lost and stupid for thinking I was important to this person who broke my heart. Ended up spoiling my mood and had to grab a coffee and sit myself before going round to my friends house. However, my friend kindly done some research on my situationship and advised he was following multiple women and liking many inappropriate pictures so my hurt has now turned to rage.

Rage is better than crying right ? probably not but It beats crying over a manhoore

This was my fortune cookie from today and I'm actually going to listen to it this time!

I had one of the best sleeps since probably last week. Amazing how one interaction can provide such hope and comfort at really difficult times.

Today I was working down in Newcastle alongside my boss. She even commented how much happier I looked today than what I did last week.

I've had no major inclinations for reaching out to my situationship but I'm still finding it really difficult to listen to the music genre that me and him both loved. I know it will take time but I'm finding comfort in other music.

This is me today going for my mental health walk again. I know each day will get better. I just need to be kinder to myself.

Spent weeks feeling low and trying to focus my time on myself and getting better. It took my all the motivation in the world to get out for a walk this evening to clear my head but I've never been more glad to do so. I've had a crush on a guy for a few years now (he's in a band) and I just pumped into him on my mental health walk. I stopped him on my walk to tell him I was listening to his music right now and showed him. I definitely made a twat of myself but I just got all tongue tied and didn't know how to say 'hey, I've crushed on you big time, are you single?' maybe another time but it has lifted my spirits and I feel so full of hope

Here is me at my sister's hen do 3 weeks ago to demonstrate the kind of smile I have on my face right now

I've not felt like messaging my situationship today until I've got home and have nothing to do. Now in my loneliness, I don't want to cave so time to write on here and post me looking like a snack!

This was me the night after he told me he never seen a relationship with me but is happy to 'keep having fun'. Fan'fanny'tastic.

Instead of making myself small and hiding away, I got dressed up and went to a gig all on my own and came home alone too. I definitely didn't look like that when I came home and cried on the subway home and cried in bed. Make up half way down my face and cuddling a teddy from my childhood. At 30 years old, this is a pretty sad sight.

I'm a 30 year old girl from Glasgow with a forever changing fashion sense and desire to be loved for who I am, despite my broken pieces.

I'm divorced, newly single again and sick of situations and 'lets just be friends'. The dating scene is complex and difficult to navigate and I don't think I have the heart to be vulnerable again to have it wasted.

Deciding to make this page is purely to stop me from messaging future problems and focus on journaling the important milestones in my life. It's not going to always be pretty, it may be me just feeling like I want to post online but I don't want anyone to see it that I know.

Come along if you'd like to see me and my progmess 🖤