words

insanity

k. dailey

some

schizophrenic overthinking

thoughts like bullets, all cascading

losing feeling in my fingers

losing sight like fading lightbulbs

all i want is you to see me

not see through me like a phantom

you seem blind to my existence

i seem lost alone in this world

wandering until my feet bleed

wondering when someone might find

what this long, long life is worth

why i bother with it all

i can’t tell what i am thinking

every line it changes its path

smooth transitions? no, that’s crazy

jumping thought to thought like insane

sentences stop making sense now

brain waves burn up anything left

maybe i can’t find a difference

love, attention, meaning, purpose

silence inside

k. dailey

for the first time i’ve known

there wasn’t a song in my head

no music, no melody

just words i’m making up

this one bit of consistency

it seems to be dead

i can’t remember the last time

the guitars and drums didn’t echo

even in my sleep someone is singing

but now i’m brutally aware

of this silence ringing out 

ringing out through my ears

oh my god it’s impossible not to hear

i just need another song

but nothing will stick 

don’t believe

k. dailey

who am i anymore?

it changes every single day

i agree with you,

        with you, with you

no matter what you say

not everything, of course

i have morals, you know

but i don’t want you to hate me

i like talking to you

so if it doesn’t matter,

and let’s be real what does,

i think i’ll just agree with you

to avoid all that buzz

i know what i stand for

with big issues and all

but then with all the little things

i’m sure to take the fall

so don’t believe in what i say

and even less in what i feel

i’m just a shell of your opinions

don’t believe in what is real.

get out

k. dailey

looking up apartments 

hoping i can afford them one day

and listing the colleges

i want to someday see

never too close,

never too small,

perfect, perfect for me

but perfect is anywhere 

not here.

i only want to escape

rushing out as fast as i can

dreaming of the day i don’t

have to see this place

never, ever again

i gotta get out

ready when life is

as soon as possible

to the colleges on my list

and the houses online

see the world

the world outside this hole

i’m gonna fly

this stupid headache

k. dailey

i don’t wanna move

but i gotta get out of here

i have a headache, it hurts

but from what?

is it from my stuffed nose

or this stupid cold

or the piercing brightness

from the screen?

or is it that never ceasing,

omnipresent pressure

the need to be perfect

all they expect, all the time

mistakes aren’t allowed

they could ruin this all

i’m wrong, of course

it was a joke, now it’s not

i just need to be enough

i just need to not mess up

no redos, it’s life

one shot - will it be enough

ink, drying

k. dailey

i stare at this blank page

i see the ink

roll onto the page

shining in the lamplight

then drying up

i want nothing more 

than to write it all down

fill up notebook after notebook

with bottled-up thoughts

i want tear-stained pages

i want words to bring smiles

i want memories

but not memories of ink

drying onto the page

words for better times and worse

but not for nothing

not times of math homework 

or times of bad grades

or times of writing

i want to reflect on memories

not make them in ink

because ink dries up

too tired

k. dailey

i’m tired, i say

i want to go home

i’m done with today

and that’s all that i know

i know it’s all i talk about

and i say it every day

but it’s all that’s in my head

the only way i can relate

so i’ll cross my t’s

and dot my eyes

the tears don’t matter 

i’m new, i don’t cry

i’ll just be empty

you’ve sucked it out

the joy, the interest

all i talked about

and now i’m just tired

and empty to boot

this world gives me nothing

but cold hands and the moon

so i know it sounds harsh

and it’s hard to hear

but if i were gone

let me make one thing clear

remember me for me

not this shell that i am

i loved so deeply

i’m tired, i can’t

lights

k.dailey

there’s something about the way 

the lights shine

for the slow song at a concert

back and forth

each person’s heart beating as one

odds are it’s the song

that made you cry because you got it

made you feel

a little less broken and a little less alone

and you see the lights

and they remind you why you cried

you realize then

that every person waving their light

is just as broken as you

and cried like you when they heard the song

so you wave your lights

and tears might come again now

but not of grief

of gratitude for the song that saved you

time and time again

big-ass headphones

k.dailey

she had a little bit of a weird smile,

sometimes too big or a little lopsided.

her face was dotted with spots,

red and mindlessly picked at.

she had a belly that stuck out,

more than she liked but only after eating.

her hair stuck up in every direction,

like a mad scientist leaving the lab.

she had earbuds, so many pairs.

some crackled or worked halfway,

others didn’t work at all.

any color, any brand,

broken in their own way.

she hadn’t worn these in a while,

forgot they were there

but those big-ass headphones still fit.

everything was different when they were on

even without music, it was quieter,

muted, didn’t let the world in

the bass drum sounded louder,

the words were poignant and clear and there

nothing else mattered with those headphones on.

really gone

k.dailey

“no one’s ever really gone,”

her on-screen brother says

about her lost, evil son

and his own imminent death

“no one’s ever really gone,” 

except this is the last movie she made

and in two years, we will mourn again

“no one’s ever really gone,”

when the DVDs lie in the cabinet

her words and face always there

“no one’s ever really gone,”

words i didn’t know a year ago

but that i wouldn’t have believed

staring in shock at that screen

“no one’s ever really gone,”

because we will remember her forever

our princess, our general,

our leia.

rip Carrie Fisher.

you are missed every day.

burned out.

k. dailey

there was a time

so long ago i barely remember

and there was a fire

a bright red aura

not of anger or hatred

i didn’t know what those were.

there was the red of passion

and the pink of happiness

and the orange of carelessness

and the purple of childhood

then that flame got brighter

and the red got angrier

there was no more pink or purple or

orange, the colors lying in a grave

the fire in the cemetery burned brighter than ever.

and then it went out

as if hit by a rainstorm

colorful graves were filled

while no one mourned

the grey of rainy sky stayed

no more colors

just grey and nighttime black

the fire has burned out.

-12/7/17-