rainbow words

there’s but a hole, a chasm full of nought.

it’s a losing tennis match- i’ve yet to score

my points are love, just of a different sort.

there’s nothing in my veins to change the end.

the decision’s made; you know i’ll sleep alone

or share with you as long as you’re my friend.

“the only saint whose name had crossed my lips”.

a love of love, but when push comes to shove

a love less of her. i write all the scripts.

i script my love, i plan the poems, i shove

my heart rate up. what comes of love when all

the walls fall down? each night i behove

my heart: do this. with her, in love, do fall.

i play the part, i blush and squirm, proud of

who i’ve become. i love her true. oh, i

must do, i do, with her, i am in love.

i’d fight a bear. for her, i’d hold the sky.

i write the script, i plan it out,

let you drag my insides out for inspection

take what you want, it looks better in your hands.

i know i’m repeating myself but there’s only so many words in the world

i would make a new language for you

but i’m afraid it would just be your name,

freedom sweet, orange, burning a hearth on my tongue

where i want you

i'm reaching but i’m not gonna catch

it’s summer cricket and i flinch when you throw the ball

it’s tug of war and we’re on the same team

(we’re) trying to reel you in a catch:

someone to put your mouth on

i want to say your name without it being a confession

i’m handing you a water bottle for the dirt on your hands

they’re on the rope and we’re on the winning team

and you teach me to cast out the bait

their hands are soft

and i try to love any of them

but i am starving and your name is still an orange in my mouth

you’re pouring my water over your hands, they’re calloused

and i want them on my hips

this isn’t a love story

i’m Queer with a capital Q

and you’re a girl

i want your mouth on my neck

we’re playing tug of war and i fall into your chest,

build a house of your ribs

your name is still burning on my tongue

it is still a confession

i’m lying on my bedroom floor trying to pick you out of my body

you’re stuck in my teeth.

you’ve never touched my mouth.

both of these things are true

i’ve made a language of your name

i’ve made a mess

and i’m lying on my kitchen floor

it’s summer cricket: the ball hits me and you laugh

you don’t understand when i say your name

i wait for her outside a corner store. an ice cream truck sings and she comes out holding a packet of seeds. for the birds, she says. i wanted to splay out my veins on the pavement and show her how her laugh had replaced my blood. she looks both ways when crossing the road.

her hands were always cold. when she slept she was a furnace, and she hated hugs from people taller than her. we walk to school surrounded by snow, a crow sits on the iron fence but flies when we get too close. i never held her hand unless she asked me to, fuck, my hands are cold. when her hair was loose i wanted to touch it so i started cracking my knuckles instead.

we would sit with handfuls of grass in our fists and talk about our dream dates. i knew who she was thinking of and she thought she knew me too. i would play her music and hope she wanted me too. i would gladly have burned to keep her warm.

also literally when we’re older can we run away together or just go away we don’t need to have the running away part but can we travel and go to shitty diners in America and go to anywhere you want and can we get a shitty car and drive through Europe and see everything and just be happy and listen to the radio and yell as loud as possible in the countryside when no one is around and then if you want after we can get an apartment together and grow food and it can be calm and we can learn dances and make tea and dance in the kitchen or we can keep traveling I don’t care that much I just wanna live with friends and not have the stress of school and I wanna love life to the extremes