riri !☀

dismissing our concern just because "I like it, simple". AND YOU'RE FUCKING WEIRDO FOR THAT. I don't care if you're the same age as him or younger than him, leave him out of your weird kink.

𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋— in which an obnoxiously loud and stubborn girl hid her secret from everyone. Praying for a savior that she relentlessly pushed away till he one day finally found out what she had been hiding.

❄️—CW! and warnings: non-idol!james x fem!reader. strangers to enemies to lovers! ANGST! heavy angst matter of fact. Hurt!comfort! mentions of alcohol abuse and consumption (not by james or reader) domestic violence and in school violence, bullying, neglect, slight mention of nudity but not in the sexual way, reader is lit living like she’s in hell, mentions of sh and ed, specifically mia. Self inserts lowkey for the most part, slight use of Y/N. YEARNING. Mentions of bl00d and injuries all over the fic , overall reader is very insecure and does not view herself well, and evb around her isn’t normal at all. i think thats it tho but feel free to tell me if i missed any!!

❄️— Ppl mentioned : All of the cortis members , newjeans!hanni and haerin, H2H!stella, ADP!youngseo and bailey, Meovv!ella and narin, pretty sure that’s it

WARNING! ANY ACTIONS DEPICTED BY AN IDOL IS NOT THEIR TRUE SELF, THIS IS JUST A WORK OF FICTION! JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING HERE DOESN’T MEAN THEY DID IT IRL, JUST READ IT AND DONT ACTUALLY ASSOCIATE THE IDOLS W THE EVENTS IN HERE!!!

⩇⩇:⩇⩇ —A/N: ngl this is a hugeee trauma dump for me so i think it’ll be fun to write, there are a bunch of self insert scenarios or things that actually happened to me in this, the rest is fiction!!

—wc: 3.1k

part 1. part 2.

The alarm rang. Again. It was the fifth time it rang in the past ten minutes. All you knew was that you didn’t want to get up—didn’t even want to think of seeing her body sprawled in the middle of the living room, as if it were a corpse, just waiting to take you with it the same way she did last night.

Your body ached. Somewhere deep in your bones, maybe through your heart. You didn’t know where it was coming from, well, you did, that was a lie, but you didn’t know why your heart tugged at at.

It wasn’t like this was new.

It was a routine. Get home as late as possible or not at all just so she wouldn’t hurt you. But if she didn’t hurt you then they would, they’d wait outside the gate and act like they loved you just to get a good laugh and record it later on. Maybe send it to a group chat they were in, just laugh at everything that had happened to you. Laugh at the muffled whimpers you let out just so you didn’t cry. Just so nobody could hear your voice. Just so the tugs on your hair didn’t matter anymore.

There wasn’t anything worth living for anymore. At least not in your book. It felt so lame to say but the scars on your body burned otherwise. Proving that there was no fixing to be done to this damaged body. The cuts hurt every time your thighs brushed each other, which would be every single step you took.

Oh how it hurt.

You got up and fixed yourself up so that Hanni and Haerin wouldn’t ask if anything was wrong.

They had been getting along with a group of boys lately, and slowly introduced you to them, but you honestly didn’t want to be attached to any more people.

Even with Haerin and Hanni, you hadn’t been acting normal for weeks—months, even.

Staying quiet wasn’t new. They knew that, they still liked your presence, atleast that’s what you concluded since they let you sit with them and included you in things.

Or maybe they just felt pitiful. Maybe they really didn’t like you but felt like they had no choice. As if you were an invisible creature just decorating their conversations with her presence, or maybe.. absence.

Your monster of a mother had been an alcoholic, but you at least had your father to protect you.. right?

Not anymore.

They had divorced.

Your father chose not to take custody of you at all.

He had basically abandoned you. The prey, in the hen of the predator.

And oh.

Oh did the predator take her chance.

There didn’t go a single day where you didn’t feel like you would faint after being caught by her. It was as if your existence was a burden to her in all the ways possible.

You have fainted before. Just quietly, on the floor of your room after being too exhausted.

The same nauseating yet rapturous feeling all throughout your body. Till you saw black. Nothing but black. It would feel like death visited your soul for a moment, kissing you before leaving you dim, empty, hollow.

It felt like everything you had ever wanted. everything you couldn’t get.

Back to the monster.

She started to get more violent, more comfortable with taking her anger out on you. More vocal shout the fact that you had ruined her life.

You tried to get good grades, maybe just decent ones, ones good enough to get you out of here. Forever.

You kind of accepted your fate, it was either you got out of here or you died, you didn’t care about leaving anything or anyone behind because there was nothing to be left behind. You didn’t have any guilt either since you knew Hanni and Haerin could just fend for each other. You didn’t think you were a big part of their life anyway.

She was asleep. You packed your bag as quickly as possible, entering the bathroom debating if you should make any new cuts or just leave it at the ones from last night.

“Bitch, Fuck it” you muttered, grabbing the razor “I don’t have shit to lose anyway”

A long, heavy drag.

One after another.

Till there was nothing but blood covering the whole vicinity of your arms.

Deeper than usual.

So euphoric every single time.

You swallowed back a sigh. One that would separate you from the life you’d been living. One that would ground you.

The razor grounded you. Made you feel better in ways you couldn’t even comprehend, made your once tender arms and thighs into a calloused, uneven mess. Your mess. A mess that showed every single line of struggle you had been through for the past six years.

You rinsed your arm and brushed your teeth.

Hurrying the fuck up out that house before she got up. And you successfully escaped.

The walk to school wasn’t too bad.

You had the option to take the bus, but it felt too crowded, too heavy in there.

So you usually just resorted to walking with your thoughts, letting them spill out of your brain and taint your heart in a shade of red similar to the blood you let out.

You didn’t mind the hassle, not that it really was one at all. It was just a little time where you got to be alone, without all the noise. Without all the din of the house and the hallways.

You got to school rather quickly, you took the shortcut so you could be early. You put your stuff in your locker and hurried to your classroom.

Nobody was really there, you saw supplies on some people’s desks but they weren’t there. So you took your chance. Took the seat with the window till the person sitting there got there.

People talked to you sometimes, it wasn’t like you were an absolute freak, they knew you as loud and obnoxious when you were with haerin and hanni, but quite reserved when you were all alone. So people weren’t scared to try and make a conversation with you.

You never gave too much away.

An occasional “I don’t wanna go home” would escape your lips every now and then, but you didn’t repeat it so much to the point it felt like you were harping it.

Well, you’d like to.

You wanted to tell your friends “I don’t think I can bear to be alive for one more day”, but everyone had their own problems. Everyone had their own secrets. Yours weren’t all that special, nor was it that serious.

That’s what the monster gaslit you into believing.

She never treated it like abuse, she just said you were being dramatic after every beating.

Every time she heard you throw up till blood came out of your throat, it was dismissed with a “I didn’t even go that hard on you today”.

Or she just wouldn’t be conscious.

The broken bottles would sit near her figure, and you’d be the one to have to clean it up. Pick up every piece like it was a fragment of your soul that she had stolen and placed there on the ground of the living room, so seriously still you may or may not have thought she had left already.

You haven’t been at school much lately.

It wasn’t like you were absent every other day, but you weren’t there every single day.

You went mentally missing. You forgot to react to your friends' jokes on time, would disappear during lunch and right after school, and you’d be out at weird times of the day, at places that people didn’t even know existed.

You were just exhausted from the sheer pressure going through your veins.

It was a cold classroom, so it wasn’t very surprising that you were wearing a long sleeve and sweats underneath your skirt, although it was a bit excessive, it protected you from the bite of the air conditioning in the room.

You sat there, connecting your phone to the earbuds you had brought with you, you didn’t know if you should just lay your head down or maybe look outside the window.

You decided on the former, letting a shaky breath out when your forehead touched the fabric of your jacket. You had so much to think about and so little time to actually process how life was going.

You’d say you were fine.

But you could easily decipher that it was a complete and utter lie. A lie so obvious that it felt disrespectful to even spew out, yet you did anyway.

Every single “I’m good” you’d exclaim with a smiley face at Hanni every time she asked felt like you were digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole, stretching till the earth’s core and back.

She was probably just asking out of politeness.

Maybe that lie had traveled through the moon as well, sending your tears to the stars and the blood particles that you let out to Pluto.

You felt as insignificant as Pluto, matter of fact. The tiny now “not planet” felt like you in every way.

You didn’t feel human, you weren’t anything else obviously, just like pluto was nothing but a floating rock in space, just like all the other planets.

But so much was missing.

You felt like your soul got ripped out of your body and god was just laughing in your face. As if he didn’t want to give it back, like he wanted to look at your pathetic face in pain without a soul like everyone else.

It was unfair, you hated him for it. You hated how everytime you would pray to him all he would do is just laugh in your face. It felt like you were a joke. Couldn’t he see what was happening to you? Why was it so funny to him? Why couldn’t he care? Why wouldn’t he do anything?

Why won’t he bring anyone to get you out this miserable hole.

You had always wanted to be saved.

By anyone.

With warm, gentle hands that didn’t bruise, didn’t break. Ones that hold your crumbling body together instead of ripping it apart into shreds. Ones so tender it might heal the scars instead of causing more.

You always wanted one.

Craved one, maybe.

You hallucinated of one—back then it might’ve been your father, sometimes only when she didn’t break the door apart to get to you while he was out.

But now he wanted no part in this. No part in you, his own child. Maybe he was tired of being a hero. Sure that made sense. But it wasn’t fair. And nothing was gonna stop you from thinking it wasn’t fair.

He was supposed to at least try. To think of a way out.

He didn’t. He didn’t want the pressure—the responsibility, the burden.

The burden that was you.

You just kept thinking till the girl who’s seat you took came inside the classroom, nudging your shoulder a little too hardly.

It wasn’t her fault, you had just been extra careful lately. The scars traveling up your body and through your breath, into your bones.

In which you meant that literally and figuratively.

That was a forming keloid which she had touched.

You could tell it would scar terribly.

You winced, trying not to bite your lips, and told her good morning.

“Do you like the seat that much?” she asked, laughing softly.

“Well, it’s nice” you muttered, smiling back at her.

“How about this?” she asked, making your brows perk up.

“Your seat is in the front right? I’ll just tell the teacher we switched seats because I couldn’t see the board, your seat is near my friends anyway, it’s a win-win situation” The girl exclaimed, clearly excited about the ordeal.

You smiled, a real one , for the first time in months.

She was a sweetheart.

Her literal presence filled up the room, she smelled of strawberries and faint peaches mixed with the musk of the grass outside.

She had always been very nice to you, although she didn’t really need a reason to, you geussed she was a nice person.

It became a routine, you sitting in her seat before she got there and her telling you good morning before you would both shift to your seats.

She kind of knew Hanni and Haerin too, and they liked her. She was a different type of pretty—like an angel coming from up in the sky with sparkling eyes just to smile down at you.

She was very happy all the time, very sweet and very caring and kind. You wanted to be like her one day.

“Thanks, stella” you said

“Girl, of course!!” she said “you look kind of sad though, want a hug?” she said before she could stop herself.

“Actually never mind you don’t even know me that well it was kind of stupid to ask if you wanted a hug since heh were not even friends and stuff just forget I said that—“ she kept rambling out of embarrassment.

You smiled and lowered your sleeves by instinct, arms curling around her neck.

She chuckled and hugged you back, your shoulders relaxing in her grasp. Her hug felt like what people would describe a mother’s hug to be like. It was warm and didn’t expect anything in return. Like summer. She shone so brightly like the rays of the sun on the beach, where the sandcastles were built near the shore and people were swimming in the cool water.

You were jealous. Yeah, obviously you were, but she was so wonderful you couldn’t even bring yourself to admit it. It wasn’t a jealousy full of hatred—it was one full of tenderness, in a way that you wished you’d be able to shine so brightly beside her, and not take any of her light.

She let go a minute later, the warmth completely disappearing, giving you one long look before she had smiled and went to her new seat.

You sat in her seat. Warmth still piling up in your empty heart.

Everyone gathered in a minute before the bell rang, and sat in their seats.

Stella was a good student, and so were you, so the teacher didn’t say much after she told him that she couldn’t see the board well and switched seats with you since your seat was closer.

A boy with an (almost) buzz cut has sat in front of you now. Little spikes breathing out from his brown hair, you remembered him from when Hanni and Haerin introduced you to him, but not much, as your memory had been pretty foggy.

It was a side effect of many things. The constant emesis making your stomach retch every time you were in the vicinity of a food. It wasn’t enjoyable anymore. It felt more of a punishment than a way to let your anger out. As if it had turned its back to you and pushed you down that hole, till the earth's molten lava had burned you to flames before giving you the satisfaction of a minute in ice cold water.

Then even that wasn’t satisfying anymore.

Nothing was enough anymore.

.

The bell rang, signaling it was time for lunch, you hurried out of the class and into the rooftop, earning a concerned glance from stella that you didn’t quite catch.

You sat on the ground, letting the air hit your face. The sting of the cold not being something that bothered you anymore. It was the least of your worries.

Until you heard footsteps.

Overly familiar ones.

And a voice that ran chills down your spine.

“Gosh obviously she’s here again” Ella murmured, already seeming irritated with your presence.

“Aye don’t fucking pay her any mind, she’s just a punching bag, remember?” bailey laughed.

Youngseo and Narin watched you with the eyes of a hawk. Same predatory glances that the monster had gave you before she ruined you, broke you.

“Youngseo” Narin started “Should we rough her up or go easy today?”

“Mmm” youngseo pretended to think “Let’s go easy we don’t have that much time, Im lowkey kind of hungry” she snickered.

“Going easy” just meant they wouldn’t touch you from the neck up.

And you would’ve fought back.

You really would’ve tried.

But you were still fighting not hurling forward from the bruises your monster at home had made at your right rib.

And four incredibly strong girls all at once against you wasn’t gonna help.

“Bitch say something” Youngseo muttered “don’t stay fucking quiet like a mouse”

A punch to your gut.

A kick to the side of your heart.

A foot stepping on your hair.

Cries that failed to escape your lips, only hot tears coating your cheeks.

“Fuck is this ugly ass bitch crying for” Bailey muttered “If you make a sound i’ll make it feel like you died right here, right now.”

“That was kind of good, bailey” Ella chuckled “You sounded cool there” She laughed while recording you, lifting up your shirt to show the purple and green mark all over your ribs.

“Shut the hell up Ella” Narin said “Our little bitch here went mute, guess she’s tired huh”

Your vision went in streaks. One second you saw white and the next you saw black, and then when you opened your eyes again they weren’t there, the metallic taste of blood coating your tongue and insides.

Fifteen minutes till the forty five minute lunch period ended.

You tried to get up.

You really did try.

Nothing worked, your legs hurt.

Burned, even.

You took a peak at your legs, new found bruises coating the skin, vessels that felt as if they’d pop at any moment.

And with much struggle, you got up.

Went down those agonizing stairs again. Made a left into the bathroom, and wiped your lip until the blood was half gone.

Thank god you had an old band-aid shoved into your pocket.

You took it out, preparing yourself to say that you bit your lip while eating lunch if Haerin asked.

And you went into the classroom like nothing happened. Like your insides didn’t feel like they were being ripped out—like you didn’t have to physically fight yourself to not hurl and grab your ribs right then and there.

They made sure to never break anything—but they injured it to the point it felt broken. They were the exact same monster as she was.

Why'd they all have the same mentality? The same chain of thinking. It was like their brain chemistry was all built the same at birth, finding their way to each other later in life.

And you were the one who had to deal with it.

— ₊˚ෆ in which you invite bf!martin home after school after not hanging out for a long time and realizing how much you actually missed eachother.

—. . 𖥧 𖥧 . based off saturn and stars by brizb!! check her out yall!!

— non-idol!basketball player!martin x cheerleader captain!reader. established relationship

— cortis mentioned, h2h ian and stella, illit wonhee and minju, newjeans hyein and dani, kiiikiii jiyu and haeum!!

—₊˚ෆ CW and warnings : martin misses you so bad he can’t think straight, fluff , some swearing , skinship, kissing, cuddling, tiny bit of angst if you squint, established relationship, yearning, minor accident cute cute!!

A/N : first fic!! hope you guys like it lol lol.. ngl i wish this would happen to me but w keon is that parasocial.. idc anyway!!!!

wc: 4.5k maybe (?)

The day went by like usual, it wasn’t sunny to the point where you saw the rays of the sun through your window, but it wasn’t cloudy with a chance of cats and dogs either. And you had practically nothing stopping you from having a good day.

Lunch came by quickly, turns out you had to announce lunch practice to your team members in the group chat since they hate to listen, but they came around quickly enough. You got your lunch, bid goodbye to your best friends and had to hear a dramatic sigh from them saying they’d miss you a lot. They were coming to watch practice the next day so it was okay either way.

You saw your boyfriend, Martin, around, his eyes lighting up when he saw you.

You guys hadn’t had the chance to hangout or even talk lately, he had been busy with basketball (let’s pretend he can play), and you had been even busier with cheer.

You had the pep rally coming up, and a couple of competitions, the amount of prep exhilarating yet somehow so fun.

Martin came up to you with a short hug, his eyes crinkling up at the sides, and his teeth basically spilling out his cheeks from how hard he was smiling. You both had a game today, an away one specifically, so you would get to sit next to each other on the bus, now, that’s IF keonho doesn’t steal your spot.

“Hey Marty” you giggled, “what gives, you’re so happy today?”

“I just missed you that’s all” he huffed, still smiling. “Sit next to me on the bus today, yeah?” He asked, brows softening while looking down at you.

“You got it boss” you smiled, bumping his nose with your thumb “I wish I could continue this conversation but I have lunch practice coming up, Gotta go, the girls might blow up the gym if i’m not in there” You sighed, playing with his hair.

“It’s fine baby, I’m so proud of you, the girls are doing great now since the beginning of the season, I’m sure you’ll do great at the pep rally and your competitions” He smiled “well, if you really have to go, i’ll see you on the bus, okay? you’ll kill it at practice and the game, don’t even worry “

He kissed your cheek and walked away to his friends, them teasing him about the way he softened up when he saw you.

That was the first time he kissed you in weeks.

Well, not that you’ve kissed before, not even on the lip, martin usually liked to keep it simple and went for your cheek or forehead, but you still got flustered every time.

No lie, Martin’s beautiful. The way that makes your breath hitch if you held eye contact for too long. His pretty, messy hair and his deep yet soft and sweet voice when he talked to you or about you was enough to send you into a frenzy. You felt like you were going crazy every time he called you pretty or any of the pet names he made up for you along the way.

Your cheeks went beet-red, and you let out a shaky sigh before entering the gymnasium, knowing you’d get made fun of the second you entered that room.

.

“Okay everyone!” you exclaimed “we’re just gonna go over some choreography really quick, and we’ll go over half-time cheers, that okay with everyone?”

everyone nodded, and got into formation.

Your coach had a class during lunch period for you, since the school was lowkey a 3-12 grade school, and she taught elementary music, so you guys were responsible for keeping up with practice.

You finished going over choreography, and lowkey had time to finish the whole thing, so now all that was to be done before the pep rally and the competitions was to just go over it during practice, which was amazing since you guys had about 3 weeks before each.

You started to teach the girls the new cheer, you and your co-captain, Ian, standing side by side, one facing the back so they could see the cheer mirrored and one facing the front so they could see the arm movements.

“So this cheer is called “You gotta shoot” you started “the hands at the beginning might be a little confusing, but you girls got it! This is a sideline cheer and since we’re lowkey the only team cheering today, they’re allowing us to do halftime at that school too!”

You went through the cheer twice, just so that the girls could get a feel through it and see if it was as confusing, and it was a little bit , but they got it down pretty quickly.

By the end of lunch, the cheer was pretty much done, all you had to do was gather the girls before the game, which you had about forty five minutes, more than enough time, and to finish the cheer and it would be ready by game time.

Before you guys all left, you gathered everyone in a little circle and started talking.

“Okay girls this is gonna sound unc as fuck but I’m so proud of you guys, you guys have gone irreversible things for this team and I can’t wait to see you all shine in today’s game and at the pep rally and our competitions, you’re going to do so amazing and i’m so glad i’m on the same team as you talented amazing girls”

“Never the fuck mind I was actually gonna make fun of you but this is so cute i’ll let it pass this time” Ian said, laughing loudly.

“Ian!” you exclaimed “ I was tryna be inspirational but I guess you guys don’t care”

“yeah yeah whatever, in return for that we’ll help distract keonho so you can actually sit next to your little martin today” your senior and friend, wonhee, said.

“You know what..” you fake thought “ thats even better than a group hug”

“how about both?” Hyein asked.

“Both it is then” you giggled, getting up and pulling the girls for a hug, it wasn’t a big team, around 8 girls, but you loved all of them with your whole heart, and you wished nothing for them but success.

You stayed like that till the first bell rang, signaling everyone to pack up and go to their classes.

“I’ll see you later girls!” you said “Don’t forget we’re going to go over that cheer before the game okay?”

They all exclaimed “yes!” and you locked hands with Ian and went to your class.

.

You and Ian were in the same friend group, and also in the same sport, so it was inevitable that she’s your bff, you got to class, your favorite and her absolute nightmare, physics.

Class went by fine, your teacher had taught a new formula that was a bit confusing at first, but after it sitting in your mind you understood it better.

You had one more class before the day ended, and that class was English, lucky for you, every single one of your friends had it together.

You and Ian, including Stella , jiyu, haeum, and Danielle had crowded the already full room, taking a table in the back for yourselves, it was already your designated table.

You never really did anything in English anyway, the teacher had been your teacher for about two years now, since sophomore year as now it was junior year, and she had kind of just been transferred to junior year english instead of staying in sophomore year english, and she was lowkey done with the grade level, giving up since the rest day of school. She had just made up random assignments and gave people high grades so she could just chill in her classroom.

You and your friends had a good giggle, reminiscing of the one time you had tripped from the school stairs and made martin trip too.

You laughed, trying to explain yourself, but it was no use, they were already on the ground, laughing their hearts out.

“Oh my god” Stella said , still laughing and sniffling “ How’s things with Martin either way”

“We’re doing good, he actually kissed me on the cheek today” you blushed

“Why are you blushing over that I thought you guys had kissed on the mouth already” Haeum said, genuinely confused.

“See the thing is, our little lovebirds like to take it slow, so they still haven’t had their first kisses yet!” Stella said.

“Ohhh” haeum nodded “well you guys are cute without having a first kiss so it shouldn’t matter to much”

The topics moved on from one to another, the speed being something you couldn’t keep up with, your friends knew that already, though you hadn’t told them about it, they just let you zone out in peace.

You were thinking about the topic, you really did want to kiss martin.

It wasn’t really only because they brought it up, but you’ve always wanted to. From the beginning of the relationship you had to hold yourself back from kissing him then and there when he said something that made you rethink what amount of patience you could really take.

You had been patient, and at that point you just wanted a kiss more than anything else, you just wanted to be as close to him as possible.

It felt a little selfish, really, but you wanted to be alone with him for so long. with noone there to stop you from being as touchy as you could.

Martins love language was words of affirmation, he loved complimenting you or even being complimented and being told sweet things that helped him calm down in the moment.

Yours was physical touch, you loved touching Martin as much as you could, a hand on his hand, his hand on your thigh, the little moment where you would touch the back of his neck during a hug, all of that drove you crazy.

You craved it like you were thirsty and left in a desert.

He was your oasis.

You didn’t mean it in a bad way, but you just wanted to feel his warmth, you wanted his weight on you even if it was an ounce.

You wanted to carve a space in your heart and fill him in it, like your little hideout only meant for you two.

Class ended and you were still daydreaming, the bell pulling you out of your trance.

You and Ian bid goodbye to everyone, and ran to the gymnasium, the girls not being there yet, since their classes were far away.

You both went over the cheer alone for a little, and then the girls all came pooling in the gym, along with your coach.

“Hello girls!” Coach Smith said, she looked happy that you learned the cheer quickly. “So I heard we learned the new cheer, Go change and We’ll do a little run through of our cheers for today, but captain Y/N will pick them out through the game, so be ready for whichever it is”

“Yes coach” everyone said, looking happy that she wasn’t going to be too strict today.

Everyone went to the locker room, the scent of perfume, freshly washed uniforms and shared lipgloss flooded the vicinity. Ian had helped you change into your uniform, the skirts were so ridiculously tight—at least on you.

It would barely go up your thighs without help, while everyone had them slip on smooth and easy.

“Ugh this is so annoying” You muttered

“What? Being thick is annoying?” Ian chuckled

“In this circumstance yes, terribly annoying”

“Well, we’re all done and you look like eye candy, so come on, let me do your bow” she smiled.

“Thanks Ian, love you” you sighed, slipping your shoes on and following her to the mirrors.

She did a simple half up situation, but it looked really nice if you would say so yourself.

You just refreshed your lip combo and left the locker room with the girls.

.

You went out and went over the cheers with coach, and turns out that the girls had been practicing even during class since they got it right the first time.

You were all done and ready with about five minutes before you had to board the bus, and Wonhee had come up with a masterplan to get Keonho and Juhoon away from Martin before the bus.

The girls just began asking random ass questions to the boys, helping Martin squeeze out and come stand by your side.

He looked down at you, his eyes sparkling.

Oh.

Oh, the things you would do for a telescope right now.

To have Saturn and stars in your hand—just be able to capture the glimmer in his eyes.

“Hi,baby” he whispered,leaning down to your ear, his breath tickling your jaw.

The blood rushed from your body to your neck and ears, you were blushing so hard someone could make tomato paste with your color.

“Hi martin” you exhaled, feeling nervous for some reason, the thoughts you had during 6th period catching up to you all of a sudden.

“Why are you shy” he laughed “It’s just me”

“Exactly” you murmured “It’s just you.”

He smiled, letting you have your moment, and grabbed your bag and walked towards the bus with you, sitting at the very back, letting you have the window seat.

He was leaning, his head being on level with yours now, so he could lean his head on your shoulder.

He stayed like that for a while, keonho had been grunting and huffing and puffing for the past fifteen minutes about not being able to sit with Martin, while you simply stuck your tongue out at him.

“He loves me more” you muttered

“That’s the problem” keonho said “he loves you more and he has a girlfriend while i’m still single as shit”

“Don’t start, keonho” Martin said, “tons of girls ask but you reject them.”

He shut his mouth at that one, while you and Martin had shared an airpod, your (lowkey depressing) playlist shuffling through both your ears.

Martin had (not very) suddenly placed his hand on your thigh. Making your breath hitch.

Your heart started speeding up and beating like a drum against your ribs, thundering all of your emotions, and goosebumps spreading on your legs.

It wasn’t like he did it to make you react, you just couldn’t help but be overwhelmed and conscious of him all the time.

You just felt like there was a hole, one that only he could fill, one in your heart.

He wasn’t doing anything wrong—he was just existing around you and you would feel an urge to just rip your heart open and give it to him so he could feel you in his fingertips.

You didn’t want to have to hold your breath. You wanted to breathe him in instead.

You hadn’t really been okay with anything lately, maybe your body was acting up or your period was coming again but you just wanted to cry at anything.

There was no reason to, you had promised you wouldn’t, but seeing how much you actually missed martin, it was definitely a reason to cry.

You let out a shaky breath that you didn’t even know you were holding and tried to look out the window before you actually just woke him up with a kiss right then and there.

You were simply losing it.

Sleeping had been hard recently. Whenever it’s too quiet and your ear was actually on the pillow, you could hear your heart thundering against your chest, the sound deep in your ribs. It sounded like footsteps on gravel, and maybe that meant that your heart was moving forward, entering a new life. But to you—it sounds utterly disgusting. You count stand that it was so quiet in the house that you could hear proof that nobody was there.

Your parents were never home—both of them being workaholics never helped, especially when you grew up.

It felt like you were playing hide and seek wherever you went.

It felt like anyone who looked in your eyes was gonna tear them apart.

But that wasn’t the case with Martin.

Martin looked into your eyes with such softness—such tenderness that it was like he could see through your organs and into your soul.

It felt so intimate in such a beautiful way.

You were always grateful for him offering you to stay over at his house, especially since his parents and his sister actually really loved you (maybe more than him) but you never admitted it out loud.

.

The bus ride was over, short as it felt, Martin just slept on your shoulder the whole time, while you just tried not to lose your cool.

And now it was game time.

Martin hugged you goodbye and went to his teammates, they started stretching and what not, and so you gathered the girls.

You all as well, started stretching and trying to get loud so your cheers could actually be heard.

You were a loud group of girls, so in no time was the whole gymnasium filled with even your quietest voices.

And then, the game began.

Martin was a starter, and he only got subbed out when he was tired, but he was in for the most part.

He was good at defending, but shooting and dunking were his specialties, and he was especially good with three pointers.(glazin da eff out this boi he don’t even know how to play basketball)

And then, it was half-time.

Most of the boys went to the locker room to cool off, but Martin and his friends stayed behind to support you and the girls.

You did your dances, then the cheers, and went finished up about two minutes before halftime was over.

You were exhausted, that dance was actually something else and every single time it hit harder than the last.

You all went into line, and then into the locker room, fixed yourself up as fast as you could, and went on the sideline instead of the bleachers this time.

The players weren’t being that aggressive the first half of the game, but it was definitely competitive—something the boys absolutely loved.

If they were being too aggressive, the refs usually had you and your girls stand on different sides, but since that wasn’t the case, everyone was in the right formation.

The thing was—coach had put you in the very center all alone when it was supposed to be pairs , specifically you and Ian.

You were in the middle of “you gotta shoot” when it happened.

The game was obviously starting to get more heated, players slamming the walls from the other side—but that was the other side.. right?

Until it became your side. Where you were specifically standing. Dead in the middle.

Martin was guarding this particularly large guy, he wasn’t taller than Martin, but he was getting there, but he had the horizontal capacity of a bull.

Martin wasn’t weak, everyone knew that.

But when faced with a bull almost his size and basically two times his weight, it was hard not to fall back, clutching his only way out of an injury—the wall.

Exactly where you were standing.

You were in the middle of a cheer, you couldn’t give less of a shit, nor could the girls, about what was happening in the game.

And what kind of dumbass actually pushes people thinking they weren’t going to get the refs?

Martin realized last minute, crashing into you, both of you falling on the floor, his breath hard and heavy, hitching when he felt you underneath him.

The gymnasium went silent.

Actual crickets.

Until it erupted in yells.

His eyes and your eyes were wide in surprise, you not expecting to get crashed into mid cheer, and him not expecting anything to be there but the solid wall.

“Martin” your breath hitched

He took the hint, got off before he was going to do anything stupid.

and the game continued like nothing happened.

The bus ride back home was loud.

Terribly loud.

The loud that made the ringing in your ears since the incident with Martin hurt more than what people describe as a lobotomy.

You went harder throughout the whole game just so you wouldn’t think of anything stupid.

Gosh how warm his hands felt in the coldness of that gym.

It pissed you off.

He’s your boyfriend for fucks sake.

You should feel like you can do anything with him. But you felt stupid. You couldn’t. You felt like it was something sacred.

It was just a simple kiss on the lips and you were terrified to do it—yet you craved it every single day.

You wanted him to kiss you so hard he could figure you from the inside out, more than he already did.

Martin drives.

Usually it's Ian that takes you back home after games.

But Martin asked if he could come over on the bus.

You agreed, your parents weren’t home and they told you that if he wanted to come over he could anytime.

So he drove you home.

The car ride wasn’t exactly silent.

Well, not in terms of tension.

You tried to muffle the hitches of your breath from just being in the same vicinity as him. But it just wasn’t working.

You wanted to say everything. But you didn’t wanna bore him out.

You felt your heart beat against your chest, a rhythm that was frantic, unable to control itself.

You felt like ripping your hair out at the sheer memory.

Gosh—what the actual fuck was wrong with you?

Anyone else would say it wasn’t that serious—that you were getting so worked up about something so utterly stupid.

It was ridiculous.

This was your boyfriend.

Of a year.

And you still felt so nervous.

You felt so safe in his arms but it just made you feel so scared.

Not of him.

Not of what would happen.

But of yourself.

You trusted him with all your heart.

You knew he wasn’t gonna do anything to make you feel uncomfortable.

He wasn’t that kind of person. The same boy to look at you so tenderly and lovingly, the same boy who makes you sleep on the bed while he’s on the floor instead of just sharing because he thinks you might not be okay with it, the same boy who knows you from the inside out. The same boy who had never let an argument go unresolved within an hour of it happening.

The same boy who’s never kissed you on the mouth.

You didn’t care how—but that would change today.

The tension in the car was absolutely unbearable, jaws clenched so tightly they could break through the outer shell of a wall nut, and broken, shaky breaths enveloping the car.

He got there pretty quick. Your house wasn’t far from the school anyway, but he got there quicker than you thought he would.

You knew him—he loves it when the day’s done.

You unlocked the door with the lock you had in your backpack, hands trembling in the midst of the night. It was about 10pm right now and there was no school tomorrow. Your breath hitched and your heart hammered beneath your ribs, you felt like you were going to pass out right then and there.

He had come over plenty of times before. You just didn’t understand why you were so nervous about this time specifically.

The door finally clicked open, and he stepped in, to his shoes off, and put both your backpacks down.

You just stood there, your back facing him. You didn’t know what you’d do if you turned around. Maybe you’d start crying. Maybe you’d just latch onto him and start being pathetic. Maybe you’d just act like an absolute dummy. So you didn’t take the chance.

Until you felt a pair of arms snake around your waist. Another breath in the crook of your neck, and a specific someone basically kneeling on the floor just to hug you.

You let out a shaky breath. The last of your composure felt like it was cracking to peices.

“Gosh” Martin breathed, voice cracking.

“Gosh baby, I missed you so much” he said, voice softer than usual.

Why was his voice so soft?

You turned around, facing him, checking if he was okay.

Martin was crying.

Panic settled in. Instant. Deep. Sharp inside of you.

“Baby?” you asked “Martin what’s wrong why are you crying?”

You were worried sick.

He held you even tighter.

“Nothing, it's just.. I feel like such a coward” He muttered “I miss you so bad—you don’t get it. It feels like I'm going crazy every day that I can’t get a hold of you”

He inhaled a sharp breath in, and exhaled it out just as sharply.

“It’s just not fucking enough. I feel so selfish. I want to see you every second of the day. I want to be alone with you. I want you all to myself—Gosh you’re literally all I think about and it’s driving me insane. Seeing you for a little before lunch isn’t enough, sleeping on your shoulder on the bus isn’t fucking enough. Texting you good morning and goodnight isn’t enough— nothing's enough anymore. It feels like every day I’m getting greedier for you and I don’t know how you’d react to it so I just push it aside till I can’t. I’m at my breaking point. Baby—gosh baby I want you so bad “ He sobbed, his head in the crook of your neck. “I feel like an asshole for not seeing you, it feels like i’m pushing you away when i want all i want is you closer. I want you to feel my heartbeat on yours. I want you to see through my soul. I don’t even know if it’ll fix how I feel but—gosh. Gosh I want to kiss you so bad till you break me apart with a touch—“

You didn’t even let him finish his sentence.

You pushed his head up from the crook of your neck, your own eyes filled to the brim with tears.

It was so stupid but it meant so much.

It was a kiss and you were both going crazy over it.

You leaned in closer, till there was an inch between your lips.

His breath loomed against your lips, mingling with yours.

You hesitated, looking at him then at his lips, heart hammering in your throat.

You felt the adrenaline pumping everywhere.

Until he couldn’t take it anymore. He slammed his lips onto yours.

You let out a soft gasp against him, quickly melting into the kiss.

His hands went to your waist, yours playing with the waves on his nape, one hand sliding up to meet with his follicles.

He let out a sound between a hum and a whimper between your lips, pouring out every unsaid word against your lips. He put his hsnd on the bsck of your hair, bringing the kiss even deeper till your bodies literally collided into eachother, no space between your hearts, feeling his pulse hammer inside of yours.

You went for aslong as you could till the oxygen in your lungs felt like it was running out, body aching. He pulled away a fraction of an inch before giving you another kiss.

This one was slower, softer, more tender. This one didn’t pour out frustration, it just poured out every missed “I love you”. It was so painfully sweet that you actually didn’t know what you’d do without him.

You would wait this long again just to get a taste of him this sweet—this beautiful.

He pulled back, his head nesting in the crook of your neck, placing a soft kiss there.

“Let’s go to sleep.. mkay baby?” you asked

He nodded against you, rocking you back and forth slowly.

“I’m gonna go take my makeup off and shower, you have your clothes in my closet, yeah?” you asked “i’ll be quick, I promise”

“Okay” he muttered, giving you one last squeeze before letting go.

You quickly showered and finished doing everything you needed to, freeing the shower for him while you dryed your hair.

He came back, and you helped him dry his hair. His head leaning into your palm.

It was about 11pm now.

You went to your bed, forcing him to climb in instead of keeping up the restraining that he’s been doing. The same restraint that kept both of you feeling like you were dying for the last year.

His head was on your chest, your fingers playing with his hair while his were on the hem of your t-shirt, hugging you tightly like you were the only person that mattered in the while world at the moment.

You let a deep breath out, and kissed the top of his head, seeing his shiny eyes look up at you from where he was.

“What was that for?” he murmured, nestling deeper into you.

“Nothing” you said “Just.. Felt like it I geuss.”

“Then do it everytime you feel like it” he said “Don’t hold back, I won’t either”

you nodded

“You did really good today, Tiny” you said “I’m proud of you”

“I love you” he muttered “So much”

And you kept whispering sweet nothings in his ear till you both fell asleep to the beat of your hearts, gentle, content, loving.

this isn’t a “fetish”, there are countless weird fetishes out there such as foot stuff, ass stuff whatever. But grape is not a fetish. Grape is something that kills, hurts destroys so many people, and people like them— are creating content for grapists and grapists only. bc believe it or not this doesn’t help the victims in any way.

This person isn’t even self inserting in those fics they’re straight up fantasising about these idols getting graped and that alone says a lot.

This is not COPING, this person is most likely someone who will abuse/ grape, because a normal individual doesn’t have these kinds of fantasies. Seek help.

dont even get me started on the fact that these teenagers/ young adults are getting their faces used like this???— how more fucked up can this get??

𝐁𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐟 ⋮ ⌗ ┆ You’ve spent eight years dreaming about the same boy.

Eight years watching him slip away before you can reach him.

When you finally meet him in real life, he’s everything you never expected—and everything you’ve been afraid of.

Now, with every passing day, you’re forced to love someone while knowing there’s a future where he doesn’t stay long enough to love you back. ⊹ ࣪ ˖

𝐂𝐖 ˚. ᵎᵎ - angst. lots and lots of angst. grief, loss, missed chances, unresolved feelings, and emotional pain.

𝐒𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 ˎˊ˗ hey readers this is my first time ever writing something like this ..so this is beyond new for me , but please enjoy. reblogs , likes & follows are highly appreciated ! ⋮

The first time you dreamed about him, you were eleven years old.

He stood in the middle of a train station Not doing anything. Just standing there. Dark hair falling into his eyes. Hands shoved into the pockets of his hoodie. Waiting for something. Or someone.

You couldn’t see his face clearly. Only the feeling. A strange ache in your chest. A terrible sense that something was wrong. Then you’d wake up. Every time. The dream never changed. Not really. The locations did. The boy didn’t.

For years, he followed you. A crowded street. An empty basketball court. A bus stop. A beach at sunset. A snowy sidewalk. Always him. Always alone. And always ending before you could reach him.

By the time you turned nineteen, you stopped telling people about the dreams.

Nobody wanted to hear about the mysterious dream boy you’d been seeing since childhood.

Honestly, you didn’t want to hear about him either. You just wanted him gone.

You wanted one night of sleep without wondering why your brain kept creating the same stranger over and over again.

Then came your first day of university. And everything changed. Because he wasn’t a stranger anymore.

You were halfway through your lecture when someone walked in late.

The professor barely looked up. “Find a seat.” The boy nodded. And your entire body went cold.

No.

No.

No.

It couldn’t be.

He moved down the aisle. Three rows ahead. Sat down. Turned slightly. And suddenly you could see him clearly.

The same face.

The same eyes.

The same boy.

The boy from your dreams.

For a second, you couldn’t breathe. your notebook slipped from your hands. The sound echoed through the classroom. Several people looked over. Including him.

His eyes met yours. Just for a moment. Then he smiled politely. And looked away. Like he’d never seen you before.

Because he hadn’t.

But you’d seen him.

For eight years.

۫ ׅ

His name was Keonho. You learned that from attendance. The professor called it. Keonho raised his hand. And suddenly the name became real too. Not dream boy.

Not stranger.

Keonho.

A real person. A real student. A real boy sitting twenty feet away from you. You spent the entire lecture staring at the back of his head.

Trying to convince yourself you were hallucinating Trying to convince yourself you were insane. trying to convince yourself this wasn’t happening.

None of it worked.

Because when class ended, he stood up. And he looked exactly the same.

۫ ׅ

That night, the dream returned. You were standing in the middle of a city street. Cars passing. People moving. And there he was.

Keonho.

Standing across from you. Closer than he’d ever been before. For the first time, you could see his face perfectly.

His smile.

His eyes.

Everything.

“Keonho.” The name slipped from your lips. The dream version of him looked surprised. Like he could actually hear you. You started running.. trying to reach him.

Trying to finally cross the distance that had separated you for years.

But no matter how fast you moved, you couldn’t get closer.

Something was wrong. The feeling returned. That awful feeling. The one that always came before you woke up.

“Wait!”

You shouted.

“Please wait!”

Keonho opened his mouth. Like he wanted to say something.

Then— You woke up. Heart pounding. Breathing hard. The room dark around you. The clock read 3:17 AM.

And for the first time in eight years, you cried. Because he wasn’t a dream anymore. He was real.

And somehow that made everything worse. —

۫ ׅ

Over the next few weeks, you tried avoiding him. It didn’t work. The universe seemed determined to put Keonho directly in your path.

You saw him at the library, the cafeteria , the student center, the coffee shop near campus.

Everywhere.

And every time, he looked completely normal. Not cursed. Not haunted. Not doomed. Just… Keonho.

The boy who always sat by the window , the boy who laughed quietly, the boy who offered his charger to strangers when their phones died.

The boy who held doors open without thinking , the boy who somehow made everyone around him comfortable. You hated it. Because every nice thing you learned about him made it harder.

Harder to stay away. Harder to forget. Harder to ignore the dreams.

Then one afternoon, he sat beside you.. Just sat down. Like it was the most normal thing in the world , you nearly dropped your drink.

“Hi.”

His smile was small. Friendly. Easy.

“You’re in my history class, right?”

You stared. He waited. You forgot how to speak.

“…Yeah.”

“Cool.”

A pause. Then he pointed to your notebook.

“You draw during lectures.”

You blinked.

“What?”

“I sit behind you.”

Your stomach dropped.

“You’ve noticed?”

Keonho laughed softly.

“You make it sound creepy.”

Maybe it was. Because you wanted to scream.

Instead you smiled.

And somehow that conversation turned into another. And another. And another.

Until suddenly, without realizing it, Keonho became part of your life.

And every night the dreams got a little clearer.

𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒 ─── juhoon who was never good at telling his emotions started crying infront of you after a heated argument between you two

★ bf ! juhoon × fem!reader

word count ── 3.2k

˖᯽ ݁˖ 𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑’𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄 coco speaking here! JUHOON GOTTA BE THE PRETTIEST CRIER IVE EVER SEEN LIKE WHY IS HE JUST SO PRETTY ALL THE DAMN TIME 😓😓😓 UGH MY AEGI HES SO PRECIOUS TO ME 𖧧 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓

⠀ 🪷 ˚ you’re an underground R&B artist with a tiny but loyal audience, making late‑night songs no one expects to blow up. Then one morning you wake up to chaos. Apparently, CORTIS’ Martin mentioned your track during a live. One clip turns your notifications into wildfire, your streams skyrocket, and suddenly the internet is calling you “the girl Martin listens to at 3am”. What you don’t know yet is that he’s been a fan long before the world noticed, and now your lives are about to collide.

pairing ... idol Martin x underground artist Yn

feat. ... CORTIS, Danielle Marsh, Hyein Lee

genre ... social media au with written parts, romance, crack, slow burn

warnings ... swearing, media hate, kys/kms

masterlist | next

⠀  ⠀幽玄な天使ㅤㅤㅤㅤ⠀ˁ ˙˙ ˓ˀ

　  ⠀  ⠀ ⠀  ♪ . ݁ ‎ ⠀ @honeyelemon ⠀

ㅤ⠀⠀⠀⠀ㅤ

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀𓏵⠀⠀⠀⁛⠀⠀⠀𓏼˚̣̣̣🧼⠀⠀⠀⠀𝄞 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚍⠀⠀︶֮ ⠀。poɯder⠀⠀⠀◟ ͜ ◞⠀⠀۪۪۫ㅤ

۫ 　ೃ　━━╋━　dried rose pe𝐭als ┄ 𓈒ֵ۫❙❘❙ ͏

dead. poets 𝐬ociety 🕯️ · ᪲ ₊ ˚ ⊹

[...]⠀ ⠀┄⠀ 𝒢.⠀⠀／⠀ ⠀𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘱𝑒 𝘥𝘪𝘦𝘮 𖹭⠀⠀❞⠀( ၴႅၴ

𓈒𑙕ྀི𓈒ੵ. ݂ .𓈒 ᩙ𑁬 I’ll Love You Anyway ࣭ ♥︎ᩙೃ

⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ⠀ྀ♥︎̼ ⬚͒✿ິ᤻◌⠀⠀⠀ ⠀͏⏝ི #⃝. ゜ ㅤ ⠀࿁ 　 #2002 ˙ ͏

ꭑı꯭ö ㅤ #✿ ݄ ✤் .. 𝟩𝟢𝟩.

https:// vitualkiss.com. ❤︎⠀⠀❙❘❙ ◟ ͜𓏼˚⠀᭪ᬻ

: ♡𝆬ㅤᮬׁ࣮ 𝄞𝄞 ׁ࣮ ׁ࣮. put on a 𝓈mile

࿓ 𝗍𝗁𝖾ㅤㅤ𝐥♡𝐯𝐞 ૂ 𝗁𝗒𝗉𝗈𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗌𝗂𝗌 ⑅ ͜ᰍ 🩰

𑇓࿐۫ ʚɞ 🧁 𓈈

₊ ❤︎᭮ ⠀ 𑁯 𓈒 ՞ ᬅ᰷ᰯ᰷ᰯ᰷᰷. 💬

✶‎ 　 　◌　 　﹒　 ༊࿐⠀　. ⑅⠀

⠀( amour )⠀⠀❤︎⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀p͡o͡emialㅤ̫✿𖹭.

░ ⋅ॱ ✿゙ 𑜞𑇓࿐۫ ♥︎ 🎼 .⋅ॱ ᩙ

͟✿֔ ͟ຼ ꯭░ ׄ ꆬㅤׅ ۪۪ٜ not meㅤׅ ۪۪ٜ ۪⁔◌⃘

ㅤ۫ ⠀⠀✿֔ᮬ᳘ ׅ ㅤ۫ ⠀⠀✿֔ᮬ᳘ ׅ ྀི͚ㅤㅤ ┄ 𓈒ֵ۫ ❙❘❙ ͏ྀ

̨ 🄶᥆ᥲ𝗍mᥲ᥊᥊іᥒg ࣪ ⠀ᥕі𝗍һㅤ ֗ ໒꒱ ּ @emochuuu 🧁

ꭵ.   ㅤ ℘𝗈𝖾́𝗌𝗂𝖾 ㅤ    절ㅤㅤ 🍭ㅤㅤㅤ✿︎ㅤㅤㅤ𝗅i𝖺𝗋.

ㅤ✿︎ㅤㅤ    0.1ㅤㅤ   filmㅤㅤ   영화ㅤㅤ  love.

𓏶⠀ ⠀♥︎ིྀ ༑ྀི ͜͡❀⠀⠀⠀𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚜ㅤ⠀ˁ ᪲˒ ˙˙˓ˀ⠀ ♪ ❤︎

⋅.˳˳. ^_ .̫ _^ 𝗅𝖺𝗋────𝖽𝗈𝖼𝖾'ㅤㅤ🍈ㅤㅤ♡︎

愛は実在 𓉳 ᠻ𝖾𝖺𝗋 ꫀ𝖺𝗍𝗌 ꪻ𝗁𝖾 𝒮𝘰𝗎𝗅

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ🍀ㅤㅤ ׁ ͏ ͏ ͏ ◌ᩙ ⣻ 　𓈒 🗻 *