Starved to death in a land of plenty

I CANNOT FUCKIGN DO THIS ANYMORE WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SUCH A LOVER GIRL I HATE MYSELF (I do not hate myself and in fact I'm not sorry nor do I feel guilty I'm just pondering why am I like this).

So there's this guy. And his wife.....

(Had to fucking stop writing shit and go back and check my following list cause I thought I was following her in tumbler dot com and I cannot bear the thought of her reading this. Then I remember I can post it on priv. But then again, someone might read this and come up with any good ideas cause I've run out of them and I'm feeling manic. Maybe it's the 3 coffees I've drank this morning. Maybe it's because my life's been spiraling out of my control for the past 20 days and I need some semblance of joy in this dark days... who knows, definitely not me).

So... it all started with this guy. We've known each other since high school and been good friends ever since. He's one of my husband's childhood buddies and have been friends their entire life. So this guy started dating a really cool, alt/goth girl back in college and they got married somewhere around 2020, I think... we've always been in touch, we went to each other's weddings, but we were never like... close-close up until two years ago when we started playing DnD together. At first it was the Guy, my husband (the DM), and me, along with two other friends in one campaign that is still ongoing. Then we started another game and included the Guy's wife in that one, so we've grown very VERY VERY close in the last year, all 4 of us.

So... the point is. I've always felt like the Guy and I have a lot of good friendly chem. We vibe well together, but that's it. I had a teeny weeny crush on him back when we were mid-college years but nothing came of it, I just thought he was a Cool Dude. BUT! Skip forward to 2023-2025. We're both functional, moderately stable adults. We discovered we were both bi by random chance, and so is his wife, so we've bonded over this since then. Sometime last year, the Guy and I started going out for coffee to chat 'cause I owed him some bits of gossip about the other dude that had me spiraling for 10 years, who had suddenly returned into our lives after ghosting me for half a decade. So, the coffee "dates" became a frequent thing. We try to go out for breakfast or lunch at least once a month. Our DnD PC's are in a relationship after two years of roleplay, btw, I wrote a fucking love confession for him lmao I'm so fucked. We both like drag, so we (Guy, Wife and I) have gone out to shows and stuff, which my Husband doesn't enjoy cause he doesn't get the vibe, so we go when he's out of town so he doesn't misses out on the fun of hanging out together. All four of us have gone to the theathre, we're going to the MCR concert next month on valentine's day.

LEt's not beat it around the bush. I am fucking in love with them. Both of them. I'm obviously closer with the Guy, but the Wife is also very very dear to me. We were about to go to the Chappel Roan concert together and all I could think about was, wouldn't it be neat if I kissed her??? I'm in too deep with both of them wtf am I supposed to do! Husband doesn't complain cause it's never gone beyond the boundaries we've set, and he knows I love them both so much in a sort of platonic, harmless romantic way, BUT! being the stupid lovergirl that i AM, I'm afraid it might get out of hand. I tell myself it's ok as long as I don't start to actively feel anything sexual towards them, and as long as I'm thinking with my frontal lobe, that is the case, BUT I CANNOT HELP BUT FANTAZISE ABOUT IT.

So. This guy, we'll call him "U" who haunts my mind comes back after 6 years of ghosting me.

We met in high school just as friends of another friend, but we eventually got to hang out around 2013, when my then BF organized a ttrpg game with his pals. The campaign went the long way, spanning across stories and arcs for around 4 or 5 years. Players came and went, but it was usually us 3 and another girl who, for this rant's purpose, does not matter much.

So... we were together through thick and thin all through our earlies 20s. Things started to get rough around 2015 when his 8 yr-long relationship suddenly ended, and the guy who was always around his GF was now completely alone. She had made him distance himself from everyone, except the rp group.

At the time, my own relationship was growing stagnant. We've been together for 6 years, but we were going nowhere. There were no plans about moving in together, no plans of compromise, no plans about children, no nothing. We barely saw each other were it not for the RP group, and it was quite a rough time for me back then. I had become temporarily homeless and was living with relatives, I was consumed with work to distract myself from everything bad going around me... and "U" was my only saving grace.

So, we eventually started hanging out without my BF. Mainly because we had the time, and I needed someone to hear me out about him. We grew close. I developed feelings I wish I never caught. Looking back at those days, I still don't know if he felt anything towards me, but I did feel like he kept on goading me into falling for him because he reveled in having my attention, until it went a bit too far. One night, out for drinks, he forced a confession out of me and we kissed. A simple peck on the lips and that's that, but it was far from closure for either of us.

We could have kept it going on behind everyone's back, but I had to distance myself, because even if my relationship with my BF wasn't going anywhere, I wouldn't betray his trust and I wouldn't cheat on him. I think that might have been the reason he pushed me away for a while. I was fine with that. A month later, we went back to hanging out just the two of us.

That was, until my mom passed away. This is the typical "be careful what you wish for situation", tho. Mom passed from a medical complication, and suddenly I was living on my own and in need of someone to move in with me. Of course, BF stepped up to help me out with things and I asked him to stay. The relationship that was once stagnant began moving again and we started living together. Ever since my mom's funeral, I didn't see "U" again until two years later and he barely ever spoke to me. Only if I wrote to check on him would I get a three word answer.

Like... was he only my friend while I felt miserable? Was he only there while I was stuck and sad? Of course I felt horrible when mom died, but I won't say my life didn't change for the better after that. It was my lesson, that I could do things for myself. But it was the same moment this guy disappeared and I can't help but be bitter about it.

Skip two years later. We had a kid, we married. We tried to reconnect with "U" and for a moment it seemed like he would come back. But he didn't and it fucking hurt so much.

Now, he seems to be back to talking terms with my husband again and we're meeting for game night in two weeks. I can't say I'm not excited to be around him again, I love him a lot like a friend. My feelings are conflicted, because I never got closure back then. Did he like me bad? Was it a bad case of mutual pinining? Were we just two depressed young adults who had no idea what the fuck to do with their lives? Was he using me to rub his own ego? man, I'm so conflicted.

I also have my theories. He might have liked me back and decided it was better to let me go. On the other hand, I am like 80% certain he's bi and he might have had a crush on both me and my husband, knowing he couldn't have either made him cut himself off of that relationship, thus not hurting me nor betraying him. He could also just be an insensitive asshole who craved attention and used me to get as much as he could. It's been 10 years since it all started. At first I believed we might have worked as a poly if we'd been more honest with ourselves. Then I realized no, I don't love him that way. I'm attracted to him and I might have a lingering, unfulfilled desire to, being entirely honest, fuck him lmao. But time has passed. I'm more mature, more open, more myself than I've ever been. I don't hold my tongue anymore. If I want something, I say it. If something makes me uncomfortable, I fight against it.