insert rabid raccoon

so he’s just standing in a grocery store like: is 2 minutes of hand on ilya’s back normal or is that insane. is that nothing. is that divorce behavior. & then two aisles later he’s just absentmindedly mouthing at ilya’s throat in the cereal section like they’re back in a marriott at 1am and someone’s uber is outside in six minutes and they r running out of time again even though they’re not

every instinct he has for affection....finite & filthy...bc that's all they ever had. his body doesn't know what to do with the surplus lol (let's all cry). thus no in btwn.

I’m imagining a scenario where hook up era Shane and Ilya have never fucked without protection so it hasn’t actually been an issue for them so far. And, yeah, maybe sometimes Shane gets a sore throat after blowing Ilya, and maybe his lips get all tingly if some of Ilya’s cum gets on them, but like, Ilya is well endowed? So of course he’ll feel the after effects of an enthusiastic blowjob sometimes, they’re just a bit rough, ya know? (And of course he has his post sex mango #hismango so any other symptoms he just attributes to that guilty pleasure, and not anything else he may have consumed)

But then they’re in the cottage and doing it raw for the first time, and it feels amazing and Shane is so hot and bothered by the idea of Ilya Filling Him Up but then the well fucked tingling of his hole starts to get more intense until it kind of burns? And he’s whimpering a little, shifting and squirming when he should be boneless beneath Ilya warming his softening cock, enough that Ilya is ripped out of his own post sex contentment to notice and ask what’s wrong, and then he’s gasping at the redness around Shane’s hole, afraid he’d been much more rough than he thought. And maybe coincidentally they’d just opened a new bottle of lube, or used an oil based one they usually couldn’t with condoms or something, so they both think that’s the issue, a change in ingredients or some kind of batch recall; their theory seems to be confirmed when cleaning up seems to help soothe the burn, and they go back to fucking with condoms and water based lube because that seems safer.

Anyway this happens a few times but they still don’t quite work it out until Ilya gives Shane a facial and bright red welts appear on his face exactly where his cum had landed (and we can imagine Shane fielding questions about what caused those marks as he waits for them to fade, his cheeks blazing so hot you can’t even see where the welts are anymore) Several frantic google searches later and the pair of them are going through the five stages of grief at the idea that Shane might be allergic to Ilya’s semen now, so of course Shane is googling specialists at 3am and getting them to sign extensive NDAs so they can fix this problem as soon as possible because he will NOT let his allergies ruin this for him.

And then the doctor recommends the (actual! Real life!) treatment plan of desensitisation therapy where Shane is prescribed a regime of slowly increasing his exposure to Ilya’s cum, first diluted and then in increasing strengths to get Shane’s body used to it again, and obviously Hollanov get all horny about it because of course they do. And then when they succeed, the literal medical advice is to continue having unprotected sex a few times a week so the sensitisation doesn’t return and so they put it in their joint calendar and Ilya treats it with the seriousness he treats all of Shane’s shallergy stuff while they’re both like ❤️yay ❤️ at having medically necessary raw nasty sex.

shane: >:| ilya: i'm literally hard rn (canon)