How did they even get phones

(603): I can feel colours

(708): there can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro

(303): please don’t ironically join a cult

(832): So yes.

(770): imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you

(870): had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.

(218): Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!

(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

(832): I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.

(804): I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way

(763): Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.

(815): My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).

(256): I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.