i've said this before and i'll say it a HUNDRED THOUSAND times more but i'm obsessed with every fic where ilya is thinking or subconsciously feeling some version of: hollander doesn't understand how these things are supposed to go. he loves with his heart wide open. he lets me see everything he's feeling written all over his face. he cries in front of me and he asks if everything's okay at home. you can't do that. he needs to learn how to close himself off/be more guarded. he needs to learn not to want, or at least not to want out loud. and i didn't want to be the one to teach him but i'm not willing to let him go out into the world and be hurt by someone else, so i guess it's my job now. to teach him. to hurt him. i guess that's on me.


















