Increasingly seeing posts by queer children and teens about how they've gotten kicked out for coming out to their parents and you can't convince me there's no coincidence btwn that and this very white American cisgay narrative of "coming out" and how it's the one thing that really proves you're LGBT but like babes..... we don't owe anyone that. Your identity is your business. Your safety is your primary concerns, especially as a minor and an 18/19 year old, is needing time in a stable(ish) living situation and to get a bit of financial freedom and also prepare adequately emotionally to deal with the consequences of outing yourself to your parents and/guardians. We live in a society. the outcome is overwhelmingly going to be negative and I hate that this idea is pushed soooo hard in tv shows and books geared towards child and teen LGBTs
This probably isn’t necessary to tack on but...
I BEG that if you really really want to tell your parents/family that you’re a part of the LGBT community, don’t come out to them unless you’ve confirmed two things:
1) They have shown and told you that they are accepting of queer people and it’s not performative.
2) They have told you, specifically, that if you were part of the community they’d be okay with it. (Because supportive ‘ally’ parents can still flip shit if it’s their child).
I did not come out to my parents until I was 19. I only told my mom, who assured me the two things above, and I begged her not to tell my dad until I was 22 and I could actually move out if needed since he has been openly homophobic. (I didn’t even want to tell it to him. I wanted her to do it, because I was scared of getting hit).
It’s perfectly acceptable to never tell them (even if they’ve shown their support), or to wait to tell them when you have a safety net in place in case shit hits the fan. Please stay safe. You don’t owe anyone anything.
I feel the need to share my own story, just to really drive this point home.
I grew up in a homophobic, painfully religious household, and I was homeschooled K-12. So you can imagine how little of an escape I had, and how little chance I had to learn about things not controlled by my mother.
I didn't figure out gay people even existed until I was 13, and it took another two years for me to find out there was anything other than gay and straight (aka the BTQ+ part of the acronym).
I figured out my own sexuality at 19.
I didn't come out to anyone for two years. Anyone. At all. I had this blog, which has never had anything that could tie me to my irl self because I was petrified of being outed, especially to my mother. Eventually after two years I came out to my best friend via tearful text word vomit essay, thankfully to open arms and full support and acceptance, as well as complete understanding as to why I hadn't come out yet and full support of helping me stay closeted.
I played that role for another two and a half years.
When I finally did come out to my mom, I was away at college, and I did it through an email (very modern-day Fun Home of me, I know). I had spent the last seven or so years slowly, subtly, trying to get my mom to be less homophobic. We had got from immediate vilification "gay is a sin" to uncomfortable silence, and I wasn't sure it would ever get any better.
So, before I sent anything, I told my friends what I was doing. Two friends were ready to take me in if I got kicked out, and a third was ready to help drive me to wherever if I needed a ride. I spent a week drafting the email, and cried the entire night I sent it because I was so scared.
In my case, I got lucky, and it ended up working out. But remember, it took four years of work after I came out to myself, and an additional 3/4 years when I just thought I was an ally before it was even a little safe for me to come out. And it took an additional three months to tell my extended family.
Coming out is never mandatory. Ever. Even if you know it's safe. Even if you know you could do it and get only positive responses. And especially if that's not the case.
No one is owed your truth. And more important than anything is your safety. You are valid in your truth even when no one but you knows about it. And the rest of us want you to be safe until you can get out and be independent, because we want you in this world with us. You will always be part of the community, even if you can't post. Even if you can't go to meet ups or pride. Even if you can't fully engage with us online because someone is always watching. One day you'll be free of that, and we'll be here to celebrate with you when that time comes, because visibility does not determine your place in the community. Your place is immutable. You belong here. So stay safe until you can come join us at the table, okay? Your chair will be waiting for you.
