why i regress

*TW* childhood tr4um4; mental, emotional and physical 4buse on the side of my parents; bullying *TW*

Growing up in an unsafe environment (father with violent and narcissistic tendencies, mother with severe depression and PTSD, and an alcoholic grandfather living next door), I was never allowed to enjoy typical things other people my age did back in the day.

Building blanket forts, drinking apple juice and feeling the soft plush of my stuffies pressed against my cheeks really helps me to forget about what has happened to me, and reminds me of all the trees I climbed, candy I ate and the other childlike things I did before I knew what the word "tr4um4" even meant.

Age regression allows me to relive what I missed out on due to being mistreated, 4bused and neglected. It makes me feel safe and as if I'm finally at peace with myself and the those around me, which might sound like not it's not that big of a deal to outsiders, but means the world to me.

That's why I regress, and I don't regret a single second that I use to take care of myself.

I regress because I hurt. Every day is painful for me because of my autism. Lights hurt, sound hurts, my head pounds, perfumes assault me, everything requires enormous amounts of concentration because I don’t live naturally in the NT world. Conversations confuse me, eye contact makes me feel woozy, the constant buzz of society is painful. And this is when I’m feeling strong and “high functioning”. On low functioning days, I meltdown, I scream, my skin hurts, I want to crawl out of my body and hide from all sensations until the world makes sense again. I can’t talk on those days. But I can think, and the thoughts are a mile-a-minute. 

I regress because I had no childhood. My father was a drunk, physically abused us and is a convicted p3dophile. I was his victim at age 7. The last time I was safe and happy, away from the mental abuse of my mother and the emotional abuse of my own sister, I was 5. 

I longed to feel safe again. I could easily tap into this childlike nature inside me and for a small moment in time, I could be 3 or 5 again. I could see the world like I did. I could giggle and not worry about anything. I could forget about my father, my bullies, my mother and my sister. I could just…be. 

Once I discovered that this was regression, I threw off the shackles of “acting my age” all the time and I dove in. My mental health has improved, I have something to fall into when the world becomes too much. 

i regress because of stress.

@whyiregress has started this campaign to raise awareness of the complexity of regression.

I don't talk about my trauma on here because this place is an escape for me and I know it is for others too. But trust me when I say I know this is not all fun and games.

I was sick a lot as a kid due to a chronic illness that I still have. I was isolated from my peers both physically (being in the hospital or unable to play with them) and socially (autism). Partly due to my autism, I never grew out of things like stuffed animals and kid shows.

For me, regression is a way to let my brain rest or feel emotions how a kid would. Those emotions don't have to be happy.

I won’t say I went through a terrible trauma, I won’t even say that there’s a negative reason I regress. But I do feel like I should share a bit of my personal history.

–Possibly triggering content START–

When I was a child, my parents went through a very rough time. My mom’s depression and PTSD spiraled explosively out of control. It got to the point where almost every night there was crying and screaming, crashes of throwing things… She would storm out and drive off no matter how late at night it was or whether it was rainy or icy. There was more than one occasion that she threatened suicide. With her children in the next room.

This went on for a long time, until she landed in a mental institution. More than once. Obviously, to see my mother like this was devastating. I just wanted a happy family, but that crumbled away a long time ago. Nowadays things are much better, she’s on medication and there’s a lot less intense episodes. But obviously having a child witnessing all that …. It changed me.

–Possibly triggering content END–

Now as an adult, I have pretty deep depression and anxiety. In late 2015, I made a new online friend who called herself a “babygirl.” This was my first introduction into regression. She called her boyfriend Daddy and she liked to play with child’s toys and colored and such. I was intrigued. Especially because other babygirls/babyboys on that site made me feel both paternal for them and also childlike. 

In January 2016, I fully regressed for the first time and it felt so good. I was happy, I felt so tiny and I just let all my worries go. I’ve gone through a few “daddies” but none of them have fully clicked with me. Regardless, having a daddy and sometimes a mommy too, I felt like I was loved and happy and had my own little family.

Long story short: I regress because it feels good. I forget about all the negative things and I can just be a baby. I feel so innocent and free. Dark clouds turn to rainbows, hopelessness turns to giggles. That’s it. That’s why I regress.

Thank you for reading! -Star

I have major depressive disorder and a history of self harm and suicidal ideation. I found out about age regression about… a year ago? It’s helped me in my recovery (one year clean as of October of 2018) and accepting myself as i am. I would love to be able to tell my family about this coping mechanism of mine but because of ki.nk affiliations and stigma i am unable to do so, which is harmful in itself. 

My depression started around seventh grade and I started self harming in eighth. I still struggle with urges to self harm and feelings of worthlessness, being a burden, and that if I were dead everyone would be happier; no one would have to put up with me anymore or pretend to like me. I am still seeing a personal therapist and am in a high school group therapy. I have told my personal therapist about my regression but not the group. I am lucky that my family is supportive of me and try their best to be their best, even if they aren’t perfect. 

Age regression lets me forget about things that bother me. It lets me forget and be calm. If I’m sad, i’ll hug my stuffies and cry instead of not knowing how to deal with it/hurting myself. If i’m angry I can let it out without hurting myself. I can be safe and let my emotions/myself go. It lets me go back to a simpler time. It helps me take care of myself. It lets me accept help/love from others. I can be whoever (and whatever ;D) I want to be. 

I hate hiding a large part of myself from those I am close to. I hate living in fear of rejection by loved ones because of a part of me. I hate seeing se.xual things whenever I look up age regression to find cute things. It’s gross.