Dear Moon.

Smiling brightly, I turned on my charm.

Desperately trying to connect with the person on the other side of the screen, I seek their love.

Whether the image of me reflected there was fake or real….. I couldn’t tell anymore.

—— “Heya! Thanks for checking out my 100sec-PR vid! My name’s Chihiro Natsuyaki, and I’m from the special tourist ward, HAMA 14! All my friends call me Chii! I’m passionate about dancing and regularly upload my idol dance covers onto dazzle!”

“So come check me out!”, I said with a smile.

However, my smile is a little forced, and there is a hint of anxiety lurking in my eyes.

The reality is I have no confidence in myself, and those who understand what that feels like will definitely notice it.

“Also, I have lots of respect for the gyaru culture of the Heisei era….. My hobby is collecting Heisei memorabilia(1)! First, please check out my dances!”

I hadn’t started using “Chii-nese” at this point in time.

In my self-introduction video for SNS that was shot shortly after I was accepted for the audition show but before the final selection, there was a moment where I started dancing, and only in that moment did I really appear to be brimming with confidence.

“Alright, how about you adopt a gyaru persona? It adds more flair to have someone like that on the show. Got that? I’m counting on you.”

“……A gyaru… persona?”

That day, I sat in the TV station’s conference room, my heart thumping with nervousness.

“13Choose!” ——After applying to this next-generation idol audition program, I successfully passed the document review and video screening, making it to the finals. I was then invited for an in-person meeting; I wondered if the other contestants would be there and what they were like. It made me really nervous.

But, to my surprise, the only person in the meeting room was a man who introduced himself as the director.

In the room, there was a TV playing my newly recorded self-intro video.

The director glanced at it and said, “You mentioned liking Heisei’s gyaru culture, right?”

“We need at least one flashy person among the contestants. Ah, your current makeup is fine, but can you make your eye makeup a bit heavier? Put more emphasize onto that cat-eye(2) look. And also, dye your hair pink”

“Dye… my hair… pink?”

“Can’t do it?”

“N-No, I can.”

When questioned, I hastily agreed. I wasn’t sure what this all meant, but I felt that I shouldn’t refuse. The director was telling this to a nobody like me, who wasn’t even part of a talent agency, so I figured I should follow his instructions if I wanted to have a chance at making it.

“Make sure to really play up the gyaru persona in front of the camera. If you can make it to the semi-finals, it’ll keep the show engaging.”

The director didn’t even look my way, as if I was a speck of dust in his eyes. My self-introduction video reached the dance portion, the one part I wanted him to see the most, but…

“Next person, please.”

With those words, I had no choice but to get up and leave the room.

After leaving the TV station, I looked for a salon where I could book an appointment.

I needed a place that could dye my hair pink for as cheaply as possible.

What kind of personality would a gyaru have?

I wondered if it meant someone who used a lot of gyaru slang.

Does that mean I should act bright and cheerful?

“……..Make it to the semi-finals…., huh…”

I remembered the director’s words.

That meant he didn’t think I could debut, right?

Being told to exaggerate the gyaru persona on camera surely meant he wanted me to be a high-energy hypeman.

I suddenly became aware of the hole deep inside my heart.

The usual draft blew through it, leaving me feeling cold and lonely.

It's the unbearable loneliness that comes when I realize no one in this world needs me.

But then, I shook my head and mumbled to myself, “I can do this, I can do this.”

After all, I did this at home too. The same old routine.

My bad-tempered mom, my irritable big sister, and my frightened little sisters.

I smiled and played the role of a clown in order to make everyone laugh.

In order to make everyone smile.

…..I thought, for a moment, that no matter where I go, nothing changes.

But even so, that’s okay.

I clenched my fists tightly at the thought.

“If it means I can become an idol, I’ll do anything.”

I’ll change my meaningless life around.

If it can make my family smile, even just a tiny bit….

At least for now, the only path I can choose is to win the audition in front of me.

For me, there is no other option.

“13Choose!” is the successor to a popular, regular held audition show. Being chosen and making your debut here means becoming an idol with a tremendous amount of fame and popularity.

I’ve watched numerous idol audition shows myself.

Contestants are brought to their dormitory, with their smartphones taken away, and they are made to live under strict supervision. They are ranked and compete in dancing, singing, and concepts. Viewer votes and producer evaluations are combined to determine who gets eliminated, starting with the lowest-ranked contestants.

I heard that there’s a total of 133 contestants this time.

And only 13 people will be allowed to debut.

So, here I was, unpacking my belongings in my assigned room at the dormitory. The other contestants were probably doing the same, though I could hear occasional excited shouts from down the hallway.

It was only natural.

The first mission song was just announced, and everyone was on cloud nine. I was feeling excited and anxious too.

“Man~, I’m a total nervous wreck, but I love that song to death so I can’t help but feel excited ‘bout it~!”

There’s a camera in my room too, capturing everything.

Remembering the direction to…. play up and exaggerate the gyaru persona in front of the camera, I struck up a conversation with my roommate.

“Y’know! I nearly cried when I listened to this song. It’s a song by an artist that I’m the biggest fan of…. Ah, geez, I got emotional again.”

My roommate, Komu-kun, was super cute.

His smile was radiant, like an angel’s.

It seemed like he’d come all the way from Kansai to participate in this show, and he got embarrassed whenever he slipped into his Kansai dialect.

Even now, he’s shyly covering his mouth, and I can't help but think he's one of those naturally "adorable" types.

“Komu-pi is so cute—— Ah, can I call you Komu-pi? You can call me Chii!”

Komu-kun, elated, said with a laugh, “I’m glad to be roommates with Chii….”

“I haven’t tried singing or dancing before…. But Chii’s good at dancing, right? I saw it in your 100s-PR!”

“Eh, you’re fast! Didn’t it just come out yesterday?”

“I was told in advance that I’d be roommates with you, so I looked you up right away…. Your dancing skills are amazing, and you look so cool too!”

The day before arriving at the dormitory, my roommate’s name was indeed given to me.

In fact, I had already watched Komu-kun’s PR, and his shy yet amusing display of his talent of being able to “recite pi to a hundred decimal!” as he called it while fidgeting was kinda strange, but entertaining nonetheless.

I didn’t think Komu-kun would watch my video, so this was a nice surprise. It warmed my heart to know that he watched my dancing and complimented it.

“Truth be told, I dunno if I can keep up with practice. …..But my family is struggling financially, you see. So I dropped out of middle school, and wanted to become an idol to support my family.”

“Eh, same here. I dropped out of middle school too.”

“For real? That’s pretty comfortin’. Come to think of it, Chii and I are almost the same height, aren’t we?”

I missed the chance to say it, but knowing that we both wanted to support our families and that we both came from the same impoverished background made me feel somewhat comforted.

But when Komu-kun started taking out dozens of family photos from his belongings and putting them up on the wall, I felt a pang in my chest.

Between the two people who looked to be kind and gentle parents stood Komu-kun, smiling.

Flipping through the photos from his childhood to present day, they all gave off the sense that he had a close bond with his family.

There were not only formal pictures, but also some casual playful ones taken of their daily lives.

As I gazed at them intently, Komu-kun turned around and innocently said, “Ah, those’re my family photos.”

“…..You guys take a lot of photos, huh.”

“Papa and Mama are always…. Ah, well, I mean, my Dad and my Mom really love taking photos, so despite our financial struggles, they always want to take photos and make photo albums for me every year. I wish they could cut me some slack, but I can’t deny that it makes me really happy.”

“………..”

My words couldn’t come to me right away.

I thought we were similar just mere moments ago, but now I just couldn’t see him the same way anymore.

I desperately tried to quell the bubbling sense of unease inside me.

“C’mon, Komu-pi, don’t try and act cool~. You usually call your parents ‘Papa’ and ‘Mama’, right? You can call them that in front of me.”

“Eh, won’t I be laughed at for being childish?”

“I won’t laugh, I promise. I think it’s cute, so you’re totally in the OK-zone.”

Komu-kun’s shy smile really is cute.

There’s not a single sign of malice in him; just a genuine smile. And it made me think, “He truly is loved.”

…..He’s going to be really popular.

The thought suddenly occurred to me.

“Come to think of it, Chii, you didn’t have pink hair in your 100s-PR video, right? Did you dye it? It suits you really well.”

“Aah…… Yeah, the director gave me some advice. And he suggested I go pink.”

Actually, it was more like an order.

But Komu-kun turned to me with a smile and genuinely exclaimed, “Woah, the director is so kind!”

“I got some advice too. He said that by being myself, I can bring out my natural charm, and that I should just be confident.”

“……Is that so.”

“That’s completely different from what he told me,” I thought to myself.

Deep inside my chest, along with the existing anxiety, ugly jealousy began to sprout.

It was dark, viscous, oppressive, and the moment I became conscious of it I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

I brushed it off. I didn’t want to be defeated by something like that.

After all, I’m gonna become an idol. I want to keep that idol spirit inside my heart too.

“If it’s dancing, I can teach you all ‘bout it!”

That’s why I decided to say that. Komu-kun who said, “Chii, you’re too kind!” was really happy.

Because of my slight sense of guilt, I swore to make sure to teach him with absolute seriousness and sincerity.

I made up my mind about practicing together, in order to make sure that both Komu-kun and I could make it through to the next selection.

Track 1 | Track 2 | Track 3 | Track 4 | Track 5

TL Notes:

Here, even though the original script used “グッズ” (goods), I decided to go with the word “memorabilia” instead since Heisei era ended in 2019 and this game supposedly takes place in a pretty far future, I’d say it’s pretty fitting

First up, the way he treats his s/o might be due to how his parents interacted, or how he was treated. In this scenario, the most possible situation at hand is:

Parents’ toxic relationship ---> Momochi ---> (Projection) S/O

+ Research has shown that one’s parents’ relationship will affect the child’s love life. For example, Person A’s parents squabble and fight every day, one blaming the other and the one silently accepting (no retaliation). Communication is non-existent. Growing up, Person A finds themselves in the same situation despite constantly telling themselves not to be like their parents. This has happened quite a lot.

+ I believe that Momochi’s mother was on the receiving end of the abuse, considering she was implied to have committed suicide. If we also take into consideration Awauta and Gurensinjyu, this is the most possible situation.

Now, Momochi’s growth environment caused him to project his mother onto his S/O, regardless of whether he’s aware that his actions are bad. To let everyone understand easier, here’s another example: a mother gets scolded by her superiors at work, and in turn scolds her child at home, while saying it’s “education”. This is a type of unconscious self-defense mechanism. To summarize,

a loop of “Repression” (emotions) + “Rationalize” (thoughts) + “Addiction” (behavior).

Repression: The environment he grew up in caused him to grew up neglected and unloved. He IS angry, and he should be, but he couldn’t find a way to let out those negative emotions, so he repressed them. They are still present, however.

Rationalize: His thoughts and fears, especially matters regarding his girlfriend and Veronica (fear of abandonment). He unconsciously rationalizes those fears and convinces himself that he is in the right, and he is the superior one.

Addiction: Momochi’s behavior towards his S/O. Because of the two factors above, he feels a sense of satisfaction when he sees his girlfriend in pain because of him specifically. This is especially evident whenever he chokes his S/O in his drama tracks.

Summary:

Momochi’s repressed negative emotions from how he was raised, combined with his fears and thoughts, make him the person he is right now. A toxic loop, but to him, it is still love nonetheless. He does truly love his girlfriend (I used up all my strength just to write these 6 words), but because of environmental and psychological factors, his idea of love is twisted and incredibly unusual.

No one taught him how to love someone properly, and nor do I think he loves himself either. He puts on a facade of superiority to hide his insecurities. Here’s his mindset in a nutshell:

“I don’t know how to love, so I’ll show her love in my own way. This is so she’ll never leave my side. I’m scared, but I don’t know any other way to make her stay with me.”

“The members of Veronica are all rich and good-looking. I can only surpass them with my skills. I’m scared of losing my only worth because they all surpass me in terms of background and looks.”

Anyways, that’s all. I hope this Momochi guy goes to superhell. Actually, superhell is too good for him, he should be stuck in between the limbo of heaven and hell so he suffers forever. That’s it. And to everyone who read this till the end, seek help. Thank you.

Source(s):

How Psychology Works: Applied Psychology Visually Explained——Penguin Random House

你背负了谁的伤：从家庭的原生三角关系，疗愈代际伤害——冯以量

心里防卫——洪培芸