stop dripping

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this post makes me snort every single time

knock knock

who's there

deez

deez are the voyages of the starship enterprise

jeff goldblum is the type of guy who gets mistaken for gay because he’s jewish. nathan lane is the type of guy who gets mistaken for jewish because he’s gay. stanley tucci is the type of guy who gets mistaken for gay because he’s a mild-mannered italian, which is jewish. seth meyers gets mistaken for jewish because of everything about him. zachary levi gets mistaken for jewish because everyone wants him dead. tom cruise gets mistaken for gay because he is.

some octopus had 900 hours in Pokemon Alpha Sapphire and you just fuckin stole his 3DS

ohh i'm daniel molloy. i sold millions of copies of my best-selling novel. i'm a beast at bowling. i've got the french bengali smokeshow pinned against the wall. man fuck you

do you think truckers realize that theyre dentists of highways

explain

they both fuck twinks at gas stations

explain

The trope where people don't recognize each other because it's been so long since they last interacted and they've both changed so much that they're basically strangers UNTIL one of them does their Signature Thing™ and the other just stops dead because oh. It's YOU. All at once it's so clearly you

UNMUTE 💯 🥺

Getting down on my knees and thanking the humans who invented dishwashers and washing machines.

InsNe that dishwashers are more efficient and easier than just washing them manually but they also use less water. It’s a win win situation

They ALSO sterilize dishes, due to operating at a far higher temperature than human hands could ever tolerate. It's a win every way.

NEVER MIND, I FOUND IT!!!

Budgerigar (Melopsittacus undulatus)

one time I told my therapist "I tend to have issues with people who think of themselves as authority figures" and she burst out laughing and then said "I think we need to pause and reflect on how you phrased that"

I mean, what, was I supposed to refer to them as if they actually are authority figures? those don't exist

y'all are doing some weird discourse on this post. no that therapist doesn't need to be "investigated" lmao. she didn't say I was wrong, she reacted because the phrasing was specific as fuck and revealed a lot about my worldview which is totally reasonable to want to explore.