What Fe' Said

When you first started out you were relentless. You made me feel like I was the only woman that you could possibly be interested in. I have to admit...50 year old me had issues but you sent songs...and texts..and despite my protests you made me feel like you wanted me...in a way that I havent been wanted since Diddy wanted Making the Band to be successful. Even though I knew better and every warning sign I could possibly have was flashing at me in bold neon colors...DoNt DO tHIS..

What you couldnt t have known is that Im a tradiitionalist.  I know right? Im looking for social cues and social permissions to come from you. I want to be able to call you King and mean it. I want to rest knowing that you have my best intentiont at heart. I dont want to be a fuck. I want to be someone's wife...fucks can and are found everywhere. 

and yet...here I am...a fuck because situations and circumstantces have brought us to this place called here. You dont pursue me like you once did...and tho we can come up with reasons why, the bottom line is because you dont want to. What a bitter pill that shit is!! we open our mouths and swallow the Im busy...I wish I could of the world but the reality is that excuses only work for the person giving them.

Its been awhile since I’ve posted. Since Ive felt the stirrings of a good blog...or a good paragraph for that matter. Its been a minute since I’ve felt that what I have to say is relevant...that it deserves not only documentation but publishing, Lately, my head has been a vortex of thoughts...each one more confusing than the last...each one struggling for the right to be the primary or dominate one. And each time...I cant decide...so I just allow them all to flood me. Take over. Consume me.

I consider myself intuitive.. and that means that I have insight into things in a what I cannot explain. I cannot control it and honestly it doesn't seem to do me any good. For instance...I can look at someone and just “know” certain things about them, but apparently I couldn't have had the foresight to know that my ex was going to take my heart and devour it. For the second time. Perhaps tho, I have intuitive confused with common sense. In which case I apparently have neither. Love is a complicated thing.

Which is why at almost 50 it is embarrassing to find myself on this side of a failed relationship...being ghosted without warning or explanation. To find myself in a position to rationalize the situationship I find myself in because all. want is a meaningful relationship but Im clearly willing to settle for whatever is presented. Relax and have fun is cute when you are 24...at 50 its pretty darn sad. 

What do I plan to do about it? Who knows. Im pretty introspective so Im fairly certain that the light will go on and I will make a necessary decision and cut to preserve my sanity. Until then, Im maintaining the status quo. Figuring out life and what that means at my age. Contrary to popular opinion, it isnt as obvious as it probably should be. I will get there tho and I am fairly certain that I will be better for this season of ambivalence. Right now tho...it feels like shit. But growth isnt the most pleasant thing in the world. 

I was had the pleasure of hearing a speaker who set my creative soul on fire!! While he was there to reinvigorate us in our current work , I was busy apply all his tips to my own business! Below are some of my take aways..

1. Dont be so intoxicated by your own success that you fail to grow, evolve and change! When you fail to be innovative, do not have fresh approaches to business you fail to adapt. We need to make sure we a pushing boundaries.

2. Stop relying on the past for success. Every day innovation even in the little ways we interact and function create our ability to be successful tomorrow

3. Learn to pause and look for opportunities in the pause! Not the same old thing..what can you do in this moment that will set you a part from others?

4. Get curious. Why, what if, why not should be our foundational questions

5. Let go what is in favor of what can be

6. Defy tradition - do you have to do it that way because it has always been done that way? See #4. What would happen if you were innovative? Creative? You cannot look in a new direction by looking harder in the same direction you have been looking in.

7. Get Scrappy - Shift, resolve. be tenacious

8. Adapt fast - get over what ever is going on and move on to the next thing. Dwelling on the situation or circumstances means you are stuck. Get over it.

A good friend sent me an urgent inbox:

“Boo frand!!! Go post your picture!”

At first I had no earthly idea what he was talking about until I saw the link.

“Isn't that the chic with the wife school”?

“Wait what? You mean this isn't a joke?”

Unfortunately it was not a joke and unfortunately I knew there were women who were desperate enough to post their pictures so they could be told if they were wife material.

“Loose weight” she told one

“take out the fake hair” she told another

“you look like you are hiding something” another was told

“you have on too much make up. Wear a different gloss” was another’s advice

I skimmed through some of the comments and felt saddened that there were so many women who were seeking advice on how to make their profile picture not only click worthy, but worthy enough to spark the interest of a man. Have we become so desperate that this is what we have come to?

I don't think there is anything wrong with desiring marriage. If you know me at all you know that I am looking forward to the day I wake up next to my hubby with an almost insane anticipation. What I think is wrong is packaging classes to teach women how to find a husband by changing everything about them that makes them, well them. It is preying on desperation and at 299.00 a class it seems like it could be lucrative. 

The best gifts a woman can give to herself is the gift of self esteem, self-reliance and self-development. Changing core things about who you are in order to attract and trap a man is a great way to be miserable for the rest of your life. None of that is authentically you. It isn't who you were designed to be. Instead of teaching women what they must change about themselves in order to get a man, why not teach women that when they love those wonderful, mixed matched pieces of themselves they will attract men who appreciate those pieces for what they are. So what it might have a few extra pounds or a weave? He who finds a wife finds a good thing we are told. Let him find you just the way you are.

When I was six, the son of our Pastor placed me on his shoulders to give me a horsey ride and took the opportunity to insert his hands in my panties to play with my vagina. With one deft motion my childhood went from innocent to scarred and he didn't so much as blink during the transformation. I was left wondering, reeling, searing and it forced an already introverted girl further into the shell called me.

When I was about 10 my friend and next door neighbor abruptly started to become very sexualized and took to groping, pulling and fondling me every chance she got. Since we spent a lot of time at each others houses it was all but impossible to keep from seeing her I was always a bundle of nerves, scared to be alone with her for any significant period of time and would be physically ill whenever she approached me. I started making up excuses as to why I didn't want her to visit and why I didn't want to visit with her. Eventually we moved and I was able to avoid any more contact with her. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Moving away allowed me to take all those feelings and shove them in a little box way in the corner of my mind. I hardly thought about what I’d experienced and wouldn't allow myself to fully recall any of the memories In time, the recall faded but the feelings of anxiety and an all encompassing sense of worthlessness, hopelessness and self loathing took front and center. I struggled with my self esteem and being a chubby, darker skinned girl with short hair didn't help matters much. I wasn't suicidal in the clinical sense but did wonder if the world would be better off without such a waste of DNA.

Repressing those feelings and thoughts concerning violations became second nature and in time I barely remembered what happen except for occasional flashes What did happen is that when I had children of my own my drive and need to protect them at all costs was all consuming and border line crazy. I didn't really understand what was fueling it, I just knew children must at all costs, be protected. 

At around 30 I literally cried out to God for revelation and understanding of why I was so crazy, and it was then my memory slowly but surely started to come back . It still took years to heal, to forgive those who disrupted the innocence of a little girl and even longer to stop living in fear for my children. The last numbers I saw indicated that 39 million adults are survivors of some sort of molestation/sexual abuse. That is reprehensible and unacceptable. As adults we must be vigilant over our babies. We can prevent this if we:

1. Believe children when they say someone is violating them. 

2. Teach children their bodies belong to them and no one else

3. Teach them if someone touches them to SCREAM and TELL

4. Stop forcing children to give affection. If they do not do it freely leave it alone

5. Stop making excuses for pervy behavior

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ykc44Yodmc0)