Forever Freaking Out

did… did she really say that? iconic

My best friend does not like my gerbils at all. She jokingly calls them vermin and teases me for being the only 25 year old woman that still has pet gerbils. She came to visit me one weekend when one of my sweet babies was really sick, and unfortunately called me at work to solemnly let me know my gerbil had passed. The entire drive home I was trying not to cry because we had plans and I didn’t want to ruin the weekend with my ridiculous grief over a rodent. When I got home, my best friend was sitting in the driveway, hand painting a little coffin with my gerbil’s name on it. I immediately started sobbing. She went and got me a glass of wine, and played a Stevie Nicks song on her phone while she dug a grave. After the somber funeral in my backyard, she cancelled our evening plans and we walked to a bar, where my best friend completely un-ironically held up a glass and toasted my dead gerbil, thanking her for the joy she’d brought me.

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like, people are always saying “some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them” as if it’s all deep and meaningful when actually it comes from a prank letter in Twelfth Night

and “This above all: to thine own self be true” comes from Polonius in Hamlet wherein the joke is that he’s an old pompous dude giving a long and rambling speech full of contradictory pointless advice to his son

“Brevity is the soul of wit” is another joke, because again, it’s made by Polonius who will just not shut up

it’s “we are such stuff as dreams are made on” not “of “, as in, “such stuff as dreams are built on”

“wherefore art thou, Romeo” doesn’t mean “where are you, Romeo” it means “why the fuck are you called Romeo, shit, I wanted to bang you but I can’t because you’re a goddamn Montague”

all these lines have acquired a kind of dignity in text that they never had in performance or are constantly misinterpreted

And then it raised a ghostly wing The sky was lost in shadow And from the sea, all glistening Rose a goddamn sharknado.” The Wedding-Guest, he rolled his eyes So strange a tale to hear But still spoke on that ancient man The wild Mariner:

“I ran like heck across the deck But the sharks were many and fast I tripped and fell into the sea And there I breathed my last.”

“Hold on now,” said the Wedding-Guest Amidst the festive cheer “If perished ye upon that sea How came you to be here?

How came you to be here with me? O, answer that, I ask!” The Mariner removed his face As if it were a mask

Inside there was an Albatross It gave an awful shriek It slammed into the Wedding-Guest And slew him with its beak.