“You’re going to ruin it…” Andrew groaned
“That was the bet you either dye your hair or preform in drag” I say
“You know what fine I’ll go in drag!”
“You heard me, now leave the room I have a show to prep for”
He must have been bluffing right there’s no way ‘tuff guy’ Andrew was about to put on a wig heels and come out here.
“I bet you 10 dollars he’s messing with us.” Preston says. “And if he’s not I want 20,” Jack states. “You got yourself a deal.” Preston and Jack shake on it before taking their seats on the couch.
It takes a whole hour before Andrew comes back out again and WOW. “Well how are you fellas doing.” Andrew says blinking with his oversize lashes at us with a dramatic southern accent. The tight pink dress and push up bra make the sight so much more comedic. “I’ll be damned.” I whisper. Preston combs his fingers through his hair, “dress, wig, heels, and all!” “Please boys call me Drea,” Andrew says whilst curtsying at us earning a round of laughs from the crowd. He does a couple laps around the room in a full on model walk and waving his hand around like he’s the queen of England. I can’t help myself from gawking at him like a fool as I feel my stomach twist before I compose myself. “No way,” I whisper just as Andrew comes up next to me patting my head, “Oh what a sweet pea you are!” I feel delirious as my cheeks go red in embarrassment as he sits on my lap and making a show out of poking my cheek before I shove him off. What a day.
“We all thought you were messing with us,” I mutter while Andrew is washing his face in my bathroom. “It takes a real man to stay true to his word,” he states.
“And an even realer one to put on high heels and a wig,” I say matter-of-factually sending him a teasing glance. “So,” Andrew says walking out of the bathroom to the kitchen, “I take it you liked my act sweet pea.”
“Jeez dude knock it off,” I say while choking on a laugh because the crouton he threw at me landed right in my mouth.
It’s not until a couple moments pass and we are staring into each others eyes the way we have been doing these past few weeks that I realize I would give up anything for this guy. I would give up my trust fund and stay home with him all day if I could. “Crap dude, you’re doing it again.” Andrew whispers. “Sorry I just- sorry,” I sputter, “we should head to bed.”
“Why do we do this again?” Andrew asks.
“Because the heater in my room doesn’t work.” I say
“And that was how many weeks ago?” Andrew teases
“Shut up,” I roll my eyes at him.
“Do you want me to fix it?”
“No” I pull myself into Andrew’s bed before continuing, “You won’t tell anyone right?”
“That you’re a total fa-“
“No I won’t” Andrew slowly runs his hands up my back in the way he knows I like. I feel myself settle against him in a way that is anything but platonic. The air shifts and I feel the much needed words attempt to tear out of me. The fear hits me as tears well up in my eyes and my stomach twist before I choke out, “Are we ever going to talk about it?” Andrew sits up concern etched in his eyebrows, eyes wide, “come on Ethan, acknowledging it makes it real.”
“Don’t you want this to be real?”
“We have to be realistic here. In what life will we ever get to be more than roommates?”
“It could be this one Andrew. Please, if we try hard enough.”
“I’m not gay.” He states like it’s as obvious as the sky being blue.
“You’re starting with this bs again,” I huff at him. I sit up to stare him in the eyes, “You know I love you.”
“I can’t” the room crackles with tension the conversation we have had too many times as we grow closer only this time he’s crying no not crying, sobbing. It wasn’t fair for me to bring it up not now, but I know he knows I love him.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, “come here.” Patting a spot on my lap. “I’m not a baby,” he pouts tears still falling from his eyes.
“You deserve so much more than I or the world can offer.”
“Don’t fight me on it,” I say pulling him closer to me until I lay us back down and brush the hair out of his face so I can met his teary eyes. I wipe his eyes with my hoodie and pull him closer with my hand on his waist and whisper in his ear, “Pretty boy.” I say while tucking his hair behind his ear. I watch his face go red but he says nothing. “Good night” I say.
“Hey are you up?” Andrew whispers. I open my eyes to find him wide eyed staring at me “Jeez dude how long have you been staring at me”
“Uhh…” the back of his neck turns red in a way that lets me know it’s longer than I think it is. “Well I’m up now- hold on have you been crying?” I cup his face and inspect it.
“I think you can guess why… wanting something so bad that I can’t have.”
“It’s too early to make me blush,” I say giggling so much I embarrass myself.
“Can I do something I will regret?”
He tucks his hand into the back of my head and pulls me closer until I can feel his breath on my lips. “Can I?” He ask.
“I’ve only been waiting for this all my life.” I say.
His laugh sends shivers down my spine and all sensible thoughts leave my mind. Andrew starts biting his lip meaning he is actually thinking about it, but the bed is warm, the lights are low, and there is nothing that I would want more… and he does it. Grabbing the back of my head until our lips meet and he lets out a breathy giggle that tells me all that I need to know; this man loves me. Before he kisses me. And kisses me and kisses me. Like a starving man he tugs on my top and pulls me inhumanly closer to him. The kisses get sloppier and the look in his eyes get fiercer, and then he’s at my neck and, “Andrew!?” I exclaim. “Sorry too much?” He asks while very eager to proceed. “No just wow, you know?” I say trying to reassure him. “Yeah” he says.
We sit there looking at each other for a moment and I know we are never going to stop here. “Can I proceed?” He says teasing me by running his hand down my back lower than he ever typically goes. I just nod hoping to hide how much this is affecting me.
“Yes.” I whisper while pulling him closer to me until he’s on top of me.
I try not to laugh at the interaction as he dips his head to kiss me and it doesn’t take long for us to be going at it and me pulling him closer till I can feel ever part of him. I put my hands around his neck and let his hands go around my waist as he continues to pepper me in kisses when we hear the front door open. “Fuck!” I yelp as I throw him off of me.
It takes me a total of two seconds to untangle from the covers and compose myself before fleeing out of his room to the door only to see our friends: Preston and Jack. “Ethan you look rough buddy.” Preston says. “Yeah well I was sleeping in so,” I say trying to save myself. “Did a chick keep you up last night? It’s almost one pm dude” Jack jokes. “Something like that.” I mutter.
“Why don’t y’all have a seat. I’ll grab Andrew.” I say directing them to the living room and away from the bedrooms. “We know our way around your house we were just here yesterday dude.” Preston grumbles. I take the opportunity to dart into Andrew’s room. Knocking before I enter I find him staring himself in the mirror with disappointment and disgust. “Hey dude Preston and Jack are here.” I come up behind him and rub his shoulder. “Jeez dude. Its like you want to get caught.” Andrew snarls as he shoves my hand off and there it is: the regret.
“I don’t need you babying me dude,” he continues. “I’m just trying to help, dude.” I protest.
Heading back out into the main room I snarl, “He’ll be out in a second.” I let out a huff as I plop on the couch. “What’s up with you?” Jack questions raising his eyebrow at me. “Nothing what is everyone’s problem? Damn.” I snap back.
Andrew walks into the room a moment after and makes a show of sitting all the way on the other side of the room from me. “Okay what the hell is going on?” Preston exclaims taking a moment to pause the TV.
“I don’t know why don’t you ask Andrew.” I dramatically flick my hand out to him.
“You know, I thought y’all would be in a much better mood after that funny stunt yesterday,” Preston says, “It was like really funny. I’m surprised someone like you would do that.”
“You’d be surprised by all the things he does,” I say under my breath and watch Andrew shoot me a warning look from across the room. Jack starts, “Okay guys this tension is getting uncomfortable.” He sighs, “Whatever you two are going through you can sort it out when we leave, for now lets watch some Sunday football, capisce?” Jack turns the TV back on.
Hours past and by now we have ordered food; the game I’m supposed to be interested in is the last thing on my mind. After the game ends Preston says, “Well uhh it’s getting late and I think we should dip.” “Yeah I have to sneak back on campus and stuff,” Jack adds, “hang out next weekend?”
“Sure. I guess.” I say while Andrew stays silent just staring at his phone.
After they leave I storm into living room. I shout, “What is wrong with you!”
“Oh, so you think its better that you acted like a total baby because we kissed one time!” Andrew screams back at me.
“You know it was so much more than that.”
“It could never happen. I need you to stop dreaming.”
“You’re just scared of the truth”
“Of burning in hell? Of course I am. I don’t get how you aren’t. You make this whole thing seem so easy when we are both hiding for a reason,” Andrews confesses.
“I don’t want to hide anymore,” I retort.
“You cannot seriously be suggesting coming out. You know what people would say about you? about me? All our so called friends would hate you. It wouldn’t take long for them to speculate things about me if you come out.”
“So this is all about you? Your image is more important than mine because what your dad’s a pastor.”
“Obviously it is, are you slow?” His confession leaves me stunted, but I don’t have time to reply before he continues, “Growing up a pastor’s kid installed this kind of fear in me that you could never understand the constant fear of letting him down and going to hell and… and..”
Andrew doesn’t get to continue before he breaks down in hysterical sobs. I walk over to wrap him in a much needed hug despite how angry I am at him, but he shoves me off shaky. “You know I’m human too?” I let out a defeated sigh, “I have fears: one of my greatest ones is that you’ll eat yourself alive with this fear, that it’ll take over your life and you won’t let me in.” I say. “I fear you’ll be to scared to meet my parents one day as something more than my friend. I fear you will deny yourself of who you truly love because of this.” I flail my hands around.
“Maybe it’s for the best?” He says softly. I stare at him and I’m sure my eyes are as droopy and dark as his are. “Ethan, do me a favor and don’t sleep in my room tonight.” Andrew finally says after a long pause.
The night was long and cold.
(based in andrew in drag)
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