My Love Letters in Phrases and Frames

The Feast - Growth Plan

Day 1: The Hardest Word

Growth Question for the Day: What prayer has been denied or rejected by God? 

My answer: 

If just in case you have read my previous blog, you might know already that I did not graduate last May as I hoped for. In fact, I’m currently taking my summer class to be able to participate the July batch. It took me weeks to be able to accept the turns of events and to overcome the sorrowful days and nights. 

When I reached my third year in this college program, I have a strong faith to God’s plans. You know why? Because all of my prayers when I began this journey, he answered. All of it without a fail! I doubted, but he always answered them with a “yes.” I even said to myself: God really answered so fast. I asked. He answered, “yes.” I asked. He answered, “yes.” Then repeat. It is safe to say that I was spoiled by Him. 

Back in May 2023, I realized that I had a poor performance in one of my subjects which affects my standing for graduation. I know deeply to myself that, partly, it was my fault. But I was so scared to fail so like what I always do, I prayed. I silently prayed. I remembered asking signs from Him. I was driving to school at that time to take my exam on that subject. The parking areas in front of our building is usually full which makes it difficult to find a parking space. So, what I usually do is I go to the street on the left side to park. However, that day, I was so anxious. I can’t even sleep properly at night. I felt like I needed a sign from Him because I was already confused and so lost. The sign I asked Him was a parking space in front of our building. If I can park in front of our building at one try then I’ll take it as a sign that I will graduate on May 2023. Unexpectedly unusual, I was able to park in front of our building at ONE try. I was SO happy when it happened. I was like, “O-M-G! Lord, you said did it and I’m going to take that as a YES!” I woke up the next day, and once again, I felt anxious, but I kept telling myself that God gave me a sign and He told me that I will graduate. I was doing it almost convincing myself. On the same day, I was driving on my way to school and once again I decided to ask for a sign. I asked him the same sign and just like the first time, I was able to park again at one try. I even teared up out of happiness. Suddenly, my anxiety was relieved with the thought that everything will be okay and I’ll make it for the May batch. 

To my disappointment, it was all a false hope. The universe witnessed how many tears I cried, how devastated I am, and how I lost myself with that news. For the second time in years, I felt SO betrayed. I cannot fathomed how that one man I completely entrusted my life with can betray me that way. I was angry because I felt rejected. I kept on thinking that maybe it was my punishment for my misbehaviors and wrong choices in life from the past. I kept on wondering, why do I have to go through all this? what were His better plans for me? Why does He have to reject me when He knew my trauma? 

26th of May, 2023. 

On this day, my friends and batch mates are attending the hooding ceremony of our department. I can’t help but feel a little sad thinking that I would have been there right now celebrating it with them, only if I made it. 

May 15th. I received a message from my professor, although he hasn’t said anything, I knew at that moment that I didn’t make it to the cut. I am not graduating this month. I was low-key expecting it, but it still broke me to pieces. I lose control of my emotions and cried myself to sleep that night. It felt like I went through all stages of grief in just an hour. At first I was so in denial thinking maybe my professor will give me a chance. Maybe I was getting too ahead of myself. But then, after a talk with my professor the next day, I was so devastated that I don’t even know how I drove myself home without getting into an accident. I cried and cried—pouring all of my emotions feeling so disappointed of myself. From being so in denial to anger. I felt angry to a friend who once jokingly told me that maybe we’ll graduate at the same time (she’s delayed) and it happened. I was angry to my professor for not giving me the 0.3 lacking to my grades to pass. I was angry to the idea that some of my classmates can graduate when I think they didn’t give that as much effort as I give. I was just angry to everything and to everyone—even to God. I was angry to Him for giving me false hope multiple times. But of course, I know that none of them were at fault. I am fully aware that no one was at fault but me. I know that at the end of the day, everything is on me and the truth is I deserve all of these. I deserve the disappointment from my parents. I deserve lost of trust. I deserve all the consequences of my actions. 

To some of you, this might seem so petty but this is something even bigger than just the diploma. It was the disappointment, validation, and recognition I was low key seeking from my parents. It was my pride to prove myself to myself that I can still redeem myself after all the failures. 

Now, I’m just a lost black sheep figuring out how to make it to the finish line or if I’ll even make it.

at sea,

J;

04-22-2023: 20:35

Hi! I’m currently here at one of my favorite small, local cafe in Talisay, Cebu. The staff are really nice here and no crowd which totally suited me as an introvert; and they have a great taste in music too.

I know it’s been a while since I last posted here. Yup, you heard it right, I’m currently here in Cebu- again. And nope, I didn’t stay here in Cebu since July. Over the past 9 months, I’ve been going back and forth to Negros, Manila, and now in Cebu, but unlike before, I’m on the other side of Cebu. April marked my last internship rotation and I’m spending it in one of government hospitals here in Talisay. So far, my life as an intern has been boring, challenging, fun, and stressful. I’ve met a lot of people, have experienced a lot of things, and have many realizations. Some of the people I met during this internship became as one of my closest friends, some didn’t make it to the list. Some of my experience were fun and exciting, some were bad. But it’s okay, that’s part of life. Those realizations deepen my perspective in life. I have old beliefs that I have learned to let go, had new ones that I try to live on.

Although this is the last month of my internship program, the final verdict has yet to come; and I pray really hard that I’ll make it to the cut. Honestly, I’m scared of whatever awaits me in post-university life, but I cannot afford another term- as in literally can’t afford- so despite the uncertainty I’m facing right now, it doesn’t matter. I badly need to graduate. A part of me, believes I’ll make it to graduation, but I have received so many disappointments that I don’t want to be so ahead of myself. 

Right now, I’m thinking of starting to look for potential online jobs that I can do while waiting for board review and examination. I’m almost to adulting phase, so I’m taking it all in slowly. I’m trying to navigate life by going along its flow while carefully planning and deciding which path to take. I still don’t know what to do and where to go, but I’ll cross the bridge once I get there.  

21:12

JV.

Shoutout to the staff of Little Nook Cafe ☕️

Their menu is in ipad. They are more luxurious than SB. Kidding. 

August 18th, 2022 - Isaiah 41:10.

My last entry here, I talked about being here in Cebu City for my Internship Training Program. And look who’s about to finish her first two months here in Cebu and will be going home very soon? It’s me! I can’t wait to go home, be backed in the small city, and be with my family again. Within two months, I struggled. I felt angered. I felt excited. I felt disappointed. I felt a lot of things in that short amount of time. There were times when I became estranged to myself. I was confused and lost at the same time. My anxiety did not help either. But while I felt confused, lost, disappointed, and angry, I am also slowly changing. Unknowingly. 

Yesterday, I didn’t have a lot of patients decked under me so I got the chance to  do other things. The signal in our rehab is unstable which makes it difficult for me to scroll on social media. I was so bored so I went to the front desk, but someone was on duty at that time (only one intern at a time is allowed to be on the front desk). Nonetheless, I still asked my clinical instructor, Sir Babs, if I can sit on the other end, and he allowed it. But, because I am not the one who was in charged to the front desk, I have nothing else to do but stare to whoever comes in the clinic. Until I saw this book near me. I took it and started reading it out of boredom. 

I opened to a page and read Duc In Altum. It means “draw into the deep.” And the author said, to draw into the deep means to put out into the unknown, to explore a mystery. Reading this phrase really left an impression to me. Last month and the early weeks of August has placed me in so much anxiety. I was so stressed and helpless. 

One day, I realized that I was wasting so much of my time allowing other people to consume me. Thinking I will not always be where I am currently at, therefore, I need to make better decisions for myself. I still feel mad, but I want to focus more in helping my self grow. Let it be through mistakes or impulsiveness.

Today, I went to Seaside alone. I talked to a stranger, who is way older than me, an entrepreneur, and also from a different place-- both of us just wanting to stroll in the mall. We had this so random and nonstop conversation the entire ride while we both bid goodbyes with "Mag buag na ta. Nice meeting you."

You know what made that ride extra memorable for me? It was the fact that I was the one who initiated that conversation. I’m still bad in expressing and conversing, but I was a lot less awkward at that time. Maybe this is what travelers meant when they say that there is a beauty in exploring the world and talking to a stranger. You get to learn a thing or two from these people. And you’ll remember them without knowing their names ever-- just the stories you shared with each other. 

And while I’m in this Duc In Altum, I’m proud and happy that while I’m doing all these out of my comfort zone, my anxiety is asleep. I’m getting to know myself better these days and I’m looking forward to meet the person that I will become.

Isaiah 41:10, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Into the unknown,

6/29/22. Entry #5.

Hi, my beloved reader/s (if I have one)! It’s been a while since I wrote here, so allow me to update you with what has been going on in my life. A lot has happened since my last post here. Everything was rocky, but I’m still alive and kicking! Well, first, I am now in my last year in college (manifesting). In my She Journals: Worry, I mentioned that I am uncertain whether I will make it to candlelighting. Lo and behold... I made it to internship! Meaning to say that I get to participate for the candlelighting. To give you a background of our department’s system... we have this event called “candlelighting” where we will have our pinning. Only those who are prospective interns can participate on this one, however, this does not hold a security place for the internship. You still have to pass the level three in order to actually make it to internship. 

January 18th, 2022 - Luke 7:1-10

Dearest you,

Believers once said that human beings only remembers God during uncertainty or in the most trying times.

Sadly, it’s true.

Tonight, I am trying my best not to breakdown because that will only worry my loving and overthinking mother.

I am in so much fear and worries. I am uncertain, worried, and scared.

I am uncertain on what to do.

I am worried with what is happening.

And I am scared of the possibilites.

I always believe that God will let me hear what I need to hear and let me know what I only need to know.

At this time, I needed comfort and wisdom so bad that I unhesitatingly went to my bedroom, took my devo-journal notebook, opened my iPad, and checked my notifications of the day.

There, I saw today’s devotion journal sent to my email. It was titled, “Loving Difference.”

When I read the title, I thought God is telling me to love the changes about to come my way. I thought it is His way of confirming my worries.

But contrarily, the message was far from what I though it was. In fact, what resonated to me the most is not the journal sent to me, but the scripture itself.

In the scripture Luke 7:1-10, the centurion said to Jesus, “Lord, don’t trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But, say the word, and my servant will be healed.”

If you are a Roman Catholic and actively attending the church, this verse might ring a bell to you. When I read it, I automatically uttered the phrase, “Lord, I am not worthy that You should enter under my roof, but only say the word, and I shall be healed.”

Believe it or not, I almost cried. When I said, I always believe that God will let me hear what I need to hear and let me know what I need to know, this is what I meant!

It gives me hope and assurance that things are better than how bad I thought things were; that I will be fine and that I’ll get better.

It also reminded me (AGAIN) to hold onto my faith, to trust Him, and to pray. Because He is with me and He has promised me that:

When I am uncertain: Isaiah 14:24

“What I have planned will happen. What I have determined to do will be done.

When I am worried: Isaiah 55:8-9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways are higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

When I am in fear: Psalm 139:10

“You would be there to lead me, you would be there to help me.”

No, I am not sin-free nor kind or faithful. I have strayed away from Him a lot of times. So many times that I am ashamed of myself. I am sill far from being worthy of His grace, but God is God.

Hebrew 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.”

And He loves us more than who we are and what we have done (2 Tim 1:9 says, “He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done, but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time.”)

I don’t know what is coming my way, but I’ll let Him be the driver of my life, and pray for courage and strength.

Praying for better days.

Sincerely,

August 8th, 2021 - Matthew 6:25-34

Dearest you, My scripture for today is Matthew 6:25-34. It is about God and Possessions where the Pagans who worries about what they're going to eat, what they're going to drink, or what they're going to wear. He said, "You cannot serve both God and money."

But my reflection isn't really about my worries with money, although, yes, I do worry about money. But I want to share something that really resonated in me after reading and understanding today's devotional. It's the little worries I had in my life. Mind you that I'm no expert when it comes to Bible scriptures nor to devotion and stuff. If you are looking for something more expert and deeper, I suggest you look for it through devotion platforms. This is my personal reflection that I wrote in my journal notebook early this morning that I would love to share to you.

Yesterday, my mother shared to me about the homily she listened from last Sunday's mass lead by Fr. Jerry Orbos SVD, a Divine Word Missionary. She told me that Fr. Jerry taught the attendees about the BTS.

For many, especially, ARMYs, would think of the popurlar korean boy-group, "Bangtan Boys". But that's not what she actually meant.

What Fr. Orbos meant about BTS is:

Believe in Him. Trust Him. Surrender all to Him.

He told them that in time of worries, always remember these three letters, B T S.

Last month, I'm worried whether I should join the face-to-face laboratory classes because honestly, I don't know if I can do it. I mean yes, it's so easy to go to school. After a year of online class, my brain and body can no longer remember how to do physical classes. My social anxiety could never! Also, let's admit that it's easier to pass the classes online because of many strategies you can do. I know you know what I mean. Iykyk. On the night of the deadline where we're asked to decide whether we'll participate online, I am having second thoughts. Fear and worries are bothering me. Until I asked God for answers. I prayed and prayed. Surprisingly, He answered right away. He told me, "When the time is right, I, the Lord will make it happen," obviously He didn't speak to me directly. It's from a post I saw the very moment I opened my social media.