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obviously dietary requirements aren't a joke but my grandma sometimes runs errands for her church and i asked her what she's up to today and she said extremely seriously "ive got to track down the body of the gluten free christ, julia"

this totally scans for a swear intensifier btw. what in the gluten free christ is going on here, Julia

helicopters are bugs

phone somehow autocorrected "the joker" to "the worker." why so devoid of class consciousness, batman

Blackout poetry exists on a dual axis from "banal" to "insightful" on the input side and "kind of deep" to "incredibly fucking dumb" on the output side, and while taking something banal and producing something kind of deep is well and fine, for my money taking something insightful and rendering it incredibly fucking dumb is where the real art is.

most “protect the children” campaigns come with the implication that what’s best for children is 1950s white christian nuclear families and rigid adherence to the status quo, and having been a children I can definitively say that is very very incorrect

you dont have to be a parent to understand the horror of walking into a room to discover that the baby crawled out of his crib and onto that pottery wheel you forgot to turn off, and while the baby is spinning around and around, the dog is sitting there all calm, like a person, gently using his paws to fashion the babys soft cartilage head into something a little more modern.  it might be the classic tale of bad parenting, but lets see where the dog is going with this

i dont even have to be friends with a girl to want her to dump her boyfriend

the way i feel about retirement is similar to how suicidal teenagers feel about getting to 25

one thing about me is that i love shit that is neither a love triangle nor a throuple but somewhere in between

to be clear i also enjoy a throuple and also a love triangle but i feel like people treat those as a binary when they are actually two ends of a delicious spectrum 💖