Mom says I can't have sweets

my sense of humor: getting birthday cards with the wildly incorrect age on it for people

your mother is funnier than literally everyone on tumblr

Posts like this are the reason why I can’t tell anyone IRL that I’m on Tumblr….. How do you explain that to people??

I haven’t laughed that hard in ages, oh my god, LITERAL TEARS. Butthole cat, I can’t, help me…

i blaming my incomprehensible humour on tumblr

Horton hears somebody he used to know

giuseppe stromboli and the briefcase of meatballs is going to be one of those things that i remember out of nowhere when im in a supermarket and i just look like a freak trying not to laugh in public

[walks around with an entire big mac in my mouth but never actually biting down] It’s a metaphor, see: you put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don’t give it the power to do its killing.

you took this from a fault in our stars augustus does the same thing only with a cigarette ok ok

i don’t know what you’re talking about this is an excerpt from my upcoming 100% original novel “the fart in our stalls”