I think parents don't understand how punishing a child isn't for when they make you upset, it's for when they do something wrong. Like, you don't just punish them for stress relief, it's so they can learn right from wrong.
So if your kid learns, for example, that helping mom make dinner = getting in the way, but not helping = being lazy, but asking if mom needs help = being annoying and asking stupid questions, then you have basically trained a person to see the only option that doesn't lead to scolding as 'hide and don't be thought of until dinner is done'. So now what relationship is your kid going to have with cooking or cleaning or chores in general? How is that going to affect them as an adult?
If there is no right answer regarding the things that bother a parent, then your kid is going to associate those things with being punished no matter what they do. If talking during a car ride is bad and annoying, but being quiet and staring out the window is bad and disrespectful, then what are they going to do every time they're in the car with you but count every word they say? If texting is suspicious, but why don't they have friends, but going out with people is irresponsible, but why don't they ever leave their room, but their friends are all bad influences, but why did they stop hanging out with them, they were nice kids, then what are you even doing?
If playing video games is lazy, going outside is unsafe, playing is ignoring chores and doing chores is being in the way, then YOU'VE CREATED A CHILD WHO'S LEARNED THE ONLY WAY TO AVOID BEING SCOLDED IS TO DISAPPEAR WHENEVER YOU'RE IN A BAD MOOD! You've created a person who is hardwired to feel guilty no matter what they choose to do. You turned them into a confrontation ninja, who can vanish as soon as a hard conversation enters the picture. You've trained a person to disregard why rules exist and instead focus on who they can placate and suck up to in order to make the rules change. Because to them, rules and punishments are just who gets on the bosses nerves at the wrong time.
honest to god this is me in a way I have never yet been described
... And if you raise a child that is only respected even marginally when it argues back against you (but still beaten for it and has it brought back in humiliation sessions), you get a very aggressive adult that doesn't know how to communicate well and will struggle to learn for a lifetime.
"Punishment" is the wrong mindset from the start imho. Your goal as a parent shouldn't be to punish, but to teach.
The consequences for X, Y, and Z are T because the lesson is G. The goal of what you're doing must be clear before you act, bdut focusing just on punishment is often working backwards.
Decide what was wrong, what would be the right reaction/choice, and how you can teach your kid to achieve it.
"I'll slap my kid so he never thinks of X again!" Is a bad way of thinking.
"I don't want my kid to do X. What creates the desire/necessity/impulse? Knowing that, what can I do to stop or prevent it?" Is better.
