Seraphine Witch

i may agree with your stances on the fuckability of bug-type pokemon and heavy machinery, but your analysis of the nineteen-twenties soviet economy, much like your marvelous vagina, is of minimal depth

me after a minor inconvenience: i hope i get hit by a [remembers i’m anti car-centric infrastructure] pedestrian

i know i don’t necessarily need to explain myself but i feel compelled to say that i like tarot in the same way i like dream interpretation and flipping coins for answers— it’s not going to tell you anything you don’t already know, it’s just an excuse to examine the patterns and symbols your brain builds and is drawn to

no, mother... you should have read my supposed "school field trip" permission slip closer.... i foresaw your betrayal a mile away.... im afraid, mother, it is you who has been sold to one direction

still living with my parents as an adult is just like. i'm grateful to not have to pay for groceries. i have to get out of here. i'm grateful to have a roof over my head and not have to pay rent. i have to get out of here. i'm grateful to not have to worry about sending out endless job applications that all lead to nowhere. i have to get out of here. i'm grateful i'm grateful i'm so fucking grateful. i have to get out of here

Grace is one of the most classic things to fall from

Babysitting a toddler is a lot like being the narration in a point-and-click adventure game. Watching him knock on the doors of empty rooms and saying "hmm. I don't think anyone's in there". Watching him attempt to use [spoon] on [cat] and saying "I don't think those things go together". Watching him throw a cup of water onto the floor and just commenting "the floor is wet now" when he looks up at me to see if I approve.

gonna start saying "this is setting men back 10 years" whenever some guy says some dumb shit

"this is really gonna hurt the male community"

Bet it feels good as fuckkk to rest your hand on the pommel of your sword when the newcomer steps a little too close to your lord who you’ve sworn to protect with your life

The entire point of, OK, my phone really wants to call it Anastasia so I guess we’re doing that? The entire point of Anastasia (as administered by a board-certified Anastasiologist) during sugary. Sugary? Haven’t I suffered enough? The entire point of Anastasia during augury. Jesus Christ. Hold up. You know what, augury is preferable to sugary. Augury is obviously performed by an auger (makes sense if you give it a think) whereas sugary is performed by…? A sugardaddy? NO THANK YOU. Anyway. The entire point of Anastasia is so that you don’t know what music your sturgeon. Fuck right off. Was playing. While you were under. You’re not supposed to wake up from Anastasia and immediately realize you managed to get earwormed by Motörhead’s “Ace of Spades” during your sugary.

I like when the bus stops directly in front of you out of the line of waiting people and opens its doors. Chosen by the dragon

I hate this post. Ever since I read it I can't help but think "chosen by the dragon" whenever the bus stops in front of me or "denied by the dragon" when it doesn't. Every. single. time. That's a minimum of ten times a week. Do you know how annoying that is

one of the most frustrating ways i've found you can be misunderstood is when people think you're horny about the things you're just weirdly fascinated by and weirdly fascinated by the things you're horny about

"omg is this like a fetish for you or something 😅🤣" NOT EVERYTHING IS A FETISH!!! "you have such interesting hobbies" no uh . that one is a fetish actually.

Fuuuuck dude I got drunk last night and tried to take down the villain on my own and now he’s texting me some ‘I’m the only one allowed to defeat you’ shit bro what do I do

Man he just yelled ‘I want him alive’ to his goons, it’s so over.

i love soft acts of dominance like grabbing your hand to lead u through a room full of strangers, holding ur waist so no one gets too close, or brushing a strand of hair behind ur ear & holding ur chin up so u meet my eyes guiding u, claiming u, making u mine. or my hand sliding over ur thigh under the table, pressing harder when u try to pull away, watching u squirm. or leaning behind u in the kitchen, holding you down while i tease ur neck & chest until ur back arches. or gripping ur hips so tight u can’t move, whispering in ur ear how good my fingers feel inside u, making u beg until ur trembling & gasping. oh wait oops…those don’t sound soft anymore. sorry i got carried away. well soft & rough dominance? they’re both mine. and u? u get to deal with both.

when she’s teasing you through your panties and it gets frustrating so you trail your hand down to relieve some tension and she grabs your wrist and says “don’t make me tie your fucking hands back.”