Regina

Sunday night, feeling low. I think I finally stopped moving long enough to feel my grief, which is always, at the root, a longing for mothering. I wrote a sad poem today about memory loss and mommy issues. I'm staying in my mother's house while she's away and I'm in-between housing (long story). Now that I know this is a temporary stop, I'm beginning to feel angry with her. Which she deserves, but it's still hard to hold; She is a lonely, divorced woman in her late 60s. But, I find myself wishing she could die so I could be honest about our relationship, and how she seemed incapable of fully loving me. I'm not sure she can love anyone, really, and yet, she unquestionably loved me less well than she loved my brother or my father. And yet, I'm the one who spends the most time with her now.

bad news: I am on my period, so I'm low-energy, cramping, and bleeding, on a busy day