As Your Sparkle Returns (part deux)
(Read Part Un here , the original written 5 years ago.)
You spend 2 years being angry. 3, if you are brutally honest with yourself. While the tumultuous 2 years leading up to this point were fraught with sadness and isolation laced with moments of false joy, part of you knows the journey to healing has only but just begun. You realize that those vestiges you had said goodbye to back then are gone for good, and probably gone for the better (although part of you misses the happy-go-lucky, blissfully unaware version of you). Having emerged from the carnage is an evolved and acutely aware individual, armed with increased wisdom and the awareness of what you will and won't stand for. Your saunter starts become a more focused, purposeful stride. You are gaining momentum, gaining force, gaining strength. You no longer drink to numb yourself from pain; you no longer feel extremely sad and alone in the presence of someone who claims to love you; you no longer selectively show parts of yourself to your significant other - the ones you know he would appreciate more than others. Now, everything is back in your control - but what does one do when all they've known is the weight of being under someone's proverbial thumb? Year 3, after predictable occurrences of making passing bitter remarks several drinks in and at social events about finding someone to anyone who will listen, you bring yourself to therapy. You're angry, indignant, heartbroken, lonely, lost. Your conversations at therapy confirm as much. You are prompted to think about how you want to feel, why you feel the way you do, but, well-practiced dissociation becomes a convenient roadblock. Your mind cannot do the work that you are not ready to. What you cannot seem to achieve at therapy you attempt to breakthrough using physical therapy; you run, and run, and run, partly, perhaps, to escape the discomfort, but partly in desperate need of catharsis. Gradually, working out becomes less of a means to chase a high, but an added therapeutic refuge. The anger slowly and unnoticeably dissipates, replaced with a clearer vision of what you know you want, and who you know you are. Anxiety still remains, but there is an acknowledgement of the fact that the destination of lessened anxiety is unequivocally on the path, rather than an aspirational destination. You understand now that you had been grieving long before the end of what didn't serve you. 5 years later, you have finally arrived at acceptance, equipped with many more mental toolkits to appreciate what is and isn't for you. Peace of mind was not a goal coming into this, but a delightful symptom of a stronger sense of self and a freed soul.
