@verticallychallenged95 - Tumblr Blog

Dorothy Zbornak, my muse

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spitzonthefritz

this is going around twitter rn but im also super curious: please tell me your top four comfort movies that you’re always down to watch bc my friend thinks mine are ridiculous and now we’ve realised everyone’s version of “comfort” is hilariously different

#emperor's new groove #Hercules #jaws #jurassic park #princess and the frog

mobydyke

one thing about me is that I'm looking stuff up. you mentioned something and I don't know it? I am pulling out my phone and googling that shit. an actor? theoretical physics? a world leader? a vocabulary word? I am on the wikipedia page as we speak

stillfuckingtired

Brain fog is not an adequate descriptor, actually. Fog can be kinda nice and beautiful and ethereal and refreshing. The thing we’re describing is more like a brain BOG; everything moves slow like you’re wading through water, it’s clunky and heavy and you keep getting stuck in the mud. It’s uncomfortable and inconvenient and everything takes so much effort. You lost a shoe, probably.

anxietyproblem

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maryfitzroy

Gracie the giraffe is described as having rounded ears. She went missing from a ranch in Real County.

im crying dude

fandomsandfeminism

Yeehaw yall. Gracie is on the run.

fandomsandfeminism

To answer some common questions in the tags:

1. How do you lose a Giraffe? She apparently scaled a cliff that served as part of the enclosure (which the other giraffes in the herd had shown no interest in climbing.)

2. Well it should be easier to find her, she's a whole ass giraffe? Yeah, you'd think, but Texas ranches are fuckin huge. The man has apparently hired a helicopter and several drones to aide the search, but no luck yet. She's been seen on some game cameras on the nearby ranches though. But she's sneaky.

3. Why does a random guy in Texas have a herd of giraffes? Because it's Texas and we have basically no exotic animal regulations. No really. If you have enough land out in the hill country, you can just own stuff. It's fuckin nuts.

#still processing the need for the rounded ears description #like yes #she does have rounded ears #but also is a giraffe #wandering aimlessly through Texas #feel like that was enough of a distinguishing feature #or are wandering giraffes a common Texas problem...?

penandinkprincess

truly few things instantly put me in a bad mood more than humidity

WHY is the fucking AIR out here TOUCHING ME

get OFF

sleepyrogues

Pro hag, anti ai

tetitasdelimon

top 5 horror movies

-having a job

-not having a job

-applying for jobs

-the job market

-the concept of working my whole life

tiktoksthataregood-ish

jauntylittlefrillyboy

I think I can confidently speak for all of us when I say we were all expecting a cat.

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penandinkprincess

laughing about the idea of rose giving shane a weighted blanket as a gift and it soon becoming ilya's Number One Enemy in their house

at first it was just because it was a gift from rose, but now??? shane is cuddling up under The Mistress? ("ilya, it is a fucking blanket-") shane does not need to ask ilya to lay on top of him because he would rather be beneath The Mistress? ("ilya, for FUCK'S sake, you weren't even home-") maybe shane doesn't even need him anymore. maybe The Mistress can learn to suck his co- ("i'm going to bed. you can join me or you can keep glaring at a FUCKING BLANKET")

penandinkprincess

i feel like rose probably went for the heaviest option available, so like a 40 pounder, so it does have some good heft to it

and i'm cackling about this arrangement being referred to as a threesome as a joke, which is all well and good until someone is reading over ilya's shoulder one day and sees shane send the message, "today has fucking sucked. can we have a threesome when you get home, please?" and is just ???? hello???? what?? the fuck??? are y'all just out here casually having threesomes on a tuesday??? that hollander asks for wiTH A PLEASE??? WHO IS INVOLVED ONTHIS THREESOME FOR IT TO BE HAPPENING ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE????

penandinkprincess

not helping this is that ilya responds with, "yes of course ♥️. do you think your mistress can take care of you in the meantime? just this once she can have you to herself."

and what he's doing is just teasing shane to lighten the mood, but person at the coffee shop behind him in line is just

penandinkprincess

this escalates to the point that shane really has no other option than to post some kind of statement about it being an inside joke, and ilya of course has to be a little shit about it and post a response on twitter or whatever about, "oh, you will not tell them you are snuggling with your mistress right now, hollander? you will break my heart but not admit it to the world?" and so shane posts another picture that's just a pov from his place on the couch with the weighted blanket over his legs and ilya on the other end grinning SO WIDE because he's SO pleased with himself. and the caption is something like "pictured: my "mistress" and my soon-to-be-ex-husband." and ilya thinks it's SO fucking funny because yes! vindication! let the world pity him (even if playfully).

and this then backfires on him SO FAST.

now weighted blanket brands are sending shane pr trying to get him to mention them/show them off in a picture, and ilya is now fucking SURROUNDED by mistresses all competing for his husband's attention. BULLSHIT. HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED.

weighted blanket eleven comes in the mail and ilya goes live on instagram just FURIOUS. the frame is him in front of a PILE of weighted blankets and he is just

"enough! enough of this! are too many in our house. is like being fucking-shane, what is word? people in utah, they have many wives?"

shane in the background, not fully paying attention: "mormons?"

"those! we are not mormons! household is FULL. marriage is FULL. stop this! every single day i look and there are more enemies in this house."

"every single day i look and there are more enemies in this house" goes viral as a sound for people surrounded by clutter/pets/etc.

shane receives five more weighted blankets.

#Ilya declaring war on weighted blankets remains my favorite thing to come out of this fandom #heated rivalry

thoughtcascades

sorry i act weird when i’m uncomfortable and also when i’m comfortable

ablowjobisbetterthannojob

Matter of fact, I act even weirder when I’m comfortable

sin-aestheticx

i bet it feels good as hell to spin yourself into a cocoon and disintegrate into goo

wholesome-animal-images

misidentifying-animals-in-posts

Great horned owl (Bubo virginianus)

Photo by Paul Crook on Unsplash

datasoong47

I think @misidentifying-animals-in-posts made a mistake here. This is correctly identifying

skels-pixel-art

please wait while he travels across your dash, he's on a very important mission

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kaity--did

We do not do elf of the shelf but our house does have borrowers. Penny knows that if she leaves a mess out at night the borrowers will take that as a sign that they can have it and take it into the walls to build their homes

This teaches her to out her stuff away at the end of the night or I chuck it out and also sometimes she wakes up and yells "HEY ELEVES I LEFT YOU SOME STUFF!" And it is hilarious

kaity--did

Penny: THE ELVES HAVE ONIONTIZED

My mom on FaceTime: ???

Me: I had to explain to Penny how the borrowers are part of the elf union and so they go to North Pole the last 3 weeks of the year so no one ever has to work too much over time and that's why they haven't taken mommy's wrapping paper or scissors or anything else I've left out... shes trying to explain the elf union to you.

Penny: THEY GET PAID EXTRA CAUSE OF THE ONION

adverbian

kaity--did

I'm in tears 🤣🤣🤣

skels-pixel-art

please wait while he travels across your dash, he's on a very important mission

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