$trapped

I am at home , today was supposed to be an online class day for Maternal 2 enhancement but the speakers wifi gave out. Anyways, I've just been chillin and crocheting and now I'm watching Sex and The City and the episode is about Carrie not having any money. I have about $1,000 saved up but I'm not sure what to do with it. I don't necessarily want anything apart from clothes which i'll be using 20 (1k pesos) of that to buy some clothes at the ukay shop hehe. Anyways, I just got into crocheting! Right now, im trying to make a crop top but I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to make it into a "circle" , but im not really particularly looking into videos as well to fix it hehe.

This is me now! A quick little update about me, I am now currently single after a long battle of toxicity and abuse (on both ends) from my last relationship with Joseph.

Anyways, I've been on this journey of 'self-healing' and basically trying to regulate my nervous system and trying my best to handle my emotions better.

I no longer smoke a pack (or two) a day which was normal for me last year. Actually, my last bout of smoking was this past January but quit due to the fact that it's really hard to smoke during duty hours of clinicals.

Im about to pass my 2nd year of nursing school and moving forward with 3rd year, how exciting! i will only have one more year to go after that and then its working, im excited to make my own money again and to get away from the hells and holds of my mother who has decided to only give me and Desiree 6k pesos a month (which is absolutely atrocious). Anywho, she will not actually go through with it because she is aware of the surging prices here in the Philippines and its at a small cost to her.

I know i've been real scared about hooking up here in the PH , especially since ive only had one partner but I did hook up with this one guy who is apparently a micro-celebrity or more so an influencer here in the PH and yes, we did have protected sex, and yes, his dick was big. Another experience was this foreigner named Hass (or Huss) and honestly? Did not wanna go through that shit because i only really went for free drinks and he ate me out for like 5 seconds and after that I came to my senses, washed up, and left. Honestly, what is up with foreigners going to a lesser developed country to get some pussy anyways? It never made sense to me and its reeking desperation, its also creepy.

Anywho, right now I'm just in bed and unable to sleep. I think ill be getting my period in the next following days because my cravings are so intense that I had a THIRD supper which consisted of hot milk, loaf bread dunked in, bits and bites of my nephew's spaghetti , and a mug full of Laing and rice.

I just know that when i get back to America, life will flourish for me significantly. I will be able to breathe again and be away from the stressors that I'm not bringing upon myself.

I survived a month of mama and Aya being here last month. Aya was an absolute fucking bitch and a nightmare and she still has to give me my $360.00 . Like. It's my fucking money, yknow? ugly.

I can't think of much else to type.

In my future, I just KNOW im going to be wealthy. Like, private yacht , beach front house that is tall over looking the ocean (wont be my only home), expensive skin care, makeup, purses, and shoes type of wealthy. With the 500+ count egyptian cotton threading that is super soft to the touch and with a tall gorgeous husband who only loves me and has eyes for me. That's going to be my future. Sipping wine by the outside of the restaurant and absolutely just loving the peace, quiet, and love that is pouring in. Of course, with my 2 kids that I love dearly and will have after I've accomplished my career goals and money that I was able to accumulate. Whatever it will be, however it happens, I will get there and I am 100% sure of it.

I think that's all I wanted to share for now :)

I'm happy of the person I am at the moment. Just absolute peace and quiet. I don't have any friends for that matter, but I am okay with it unless I actually want to go out and party.

Thanks for reading this, if you've come across it.

Joseph went to go drinking with the other interns earlier tonight and I had told him to be safe and to make sure he had money to take a taxi. He decided to take a ride home on a motorcycle with another intern home. He’s thankfully home safe but what if he wasn’t? I’m fucking worried at what he did, how irresponsible it was because what if he became another statistic? What if they weren’t safe.  Maybe I was being too harsh with getting upset at him about the situation. The thing is , is that I do trust him to drink but i entrusted him to be safe taking a taxi. I can’t take a chance at him dying on me, I can’t take a chance on him dying over something stupid. He called me stupid because I said I was going to do something just as irresponsible to see how he would react because I want him to feel how I felt about what he did.  He called me stupid and hung up. And it honestly hurts because I wish he could just see how worried I am about him, how much I care. Should I have cried my eyes out to show him? Should I have just not said anything? I was shaking from how scared I was and I wish he would just take the extra steps to be careful at all times. It’s whatever. I am hurt, i am still shaking in worry, I am still wishing he just took that taxi instead. Is it wrong to react the way I did because I was worried? I don’t know anymore.  Our relationship feels like its just going down the drain and I dont know what to do about it. is it my fault? I think it is. I dont know what to do anymore. I think i should just shut up and never voice my opinions or worries again... I just wish i never knew he was drinking. I wish i was drinking right now, I just want to forget about the whole interaction, i want to just forget how horrible I feel and how unloved I feel and how terrible i feel like i am. 

At least he’s home safe. I just hope he is safe always and especially in future situations like that. I just wish he understood how i felt. How worrying it is to lose someone you love and how helpless it feels. 

I hate that I can’t stop thinking about Sky. It’s on some bullshit. Desiree was right when they said that Sky cared more about himself than my safety especially with the way he dragged me out his house by my hair when he knew I was losing hair rapidly, told me to lose weight while I was actively anorexic, and told me he wanted to do Anal during my abortion week, and did not offer any help when I was actively homeless. It’s just so fucking sad to me that the person I thought cared about me never really did. He didn’t take me to the museum multiple times that I’ve asked but he decided to take someone else for a first date. Im just sad, and im upset that I allowed myself to get treated this way. I can’t decide for others how ive made them feel, but i genuinely don’t feel like ive done anything wrong apart from a few things that I was dishonest about but only because he was as well. 

I dreamt of Sky last night, I cant fully remember the dream nor can I fully recall how I felt afterwards but I definitely felt confused and longing. I get so upset whenever I recall all the hurt he put me through, and through all the bullshit he made me go through and I just wish I could turn off my feelings about it and just move on. He dragged me out his house by my hair because of donuts and other reasons and his reasoning was he was protecting his home. He wasn’t there during my psychosis and he was not there when I needed him most, always. He fucked me on his birthday night last year while I was experiencing psychosis from alcohol and acid. I wish I never met this man, but that is no longer a possibility. As much as I know and can acknowledge that I won’t always get an apology for other people’s wrong doing, I at least wish he would acknowledge it. Like, some sort of accountability , I just want him to fess up or to cry about it or something. It sucks knowing that Im the only one left feeling heart broken and confused while he could just move on like nothing because as he says “I care more about myself than I care about you”. It shouldn’t hurt , but it does. He’s been upfront from the beginning about how he felt about me and our whole situation - I really wish I listened and just moved on then. 

I feel like a rotting shell, a carcass . There is no “me” before , but by god do I wish this was one less trauma I did not have to experience. 

Well hello my old Tumblr blog. It has been so long and I swear i’ve been trying to come back and start journaling here because I seriously can’t do it with pen and paper. Maybe i’m lazy to write or maybe its just faster to go type out my thoughts as they come because I know I forget thoughts as they come sometimes.