Ven·ti·la·tion

Years of being with boys that broke my self confidence and made me question everything I was and whether or not I was good enough.. because they knew if they didn’t then I’d be strong enough to know I deserved so much better.

So instead of loving me, they broke me down so I’d stay. Instead of loving me, they’d make sure I was insecure enough to never speak up. Instead of loving me, they’d have me thinking I needed to fix things I had no business attempting to fix.

Because my confidence felt dangerous to them, my independence felt threatening, and my self-worth meant I might leave.

✨Being with someone that wants you powerful - that wants you whole. That’s the kind of love you deserve.✨

I became my favorite version of myself and met someone who matches that energy. He doesn’t need me insecure to stay. He doesn’t need me doubting myself to stay loyal. He doesn’t need me fixing things to earn some sort of stability.

I’m being loved in a way that makes me more myself.

I’m not being kept.

I’m being chosen.

And I don’t need to shrink to be loved.

Every heartbreak, door in the face, disappointment has shaped me into the strong, loving, never backdown woman I am today. Here I am confident in myself and who I’ve become. Loving myself more each day and giving myself grace for the mistake I made and will continue to make because that’s life - and it’s messy and that’s okay.

Because that girl — messy, dramatic, overthinking everything, feeling everything way too hard — she needed me.

She needed the woman I’ve become.

The one who:

Doesn’t panic at every flicker of uncertainty

Doesn’t beg for love, but waits for it to meet her

Doesn’t collapse under the weight of emotion, but breathes through it

Doesn’t shrink herself to be loved — but expands into it

But you don’t need helicopters and water buckets to put it out.

Wanting to go back and shake that version of me for being so blind, but also wanting to hug her because she has no idea the life she is actually creating with every decision she makes - good and bad.

*He wasn’t the one. You said it yourself you were opposites and that never changed. You never saw eye to eye and he was mean about it. He tore you down. He criticized everything about you. He tried to change you. He may have loved you, but he sure as hell didn’t like you. But… He pushed you where you needed to go. He changed your life. He gave you a new path. He made you stronger in spite of him.*

I’m trying to put together the words for the emotions I’m feeling right now.

I am sad. I am sad for George Floyd who was senselessly murdered. I’m sad for his family that had to watch it and now live without their loved one. I am sad for America for being so broken and torn apart. I am sad for the inequality and mistreatment. I am sad because it has been far too long without justice for a system that is so shattered. I am sad for the voices who can no longer be heard.

But I am also angry. I am angry that a moment in time where everyone came together and agreed justice needed to be served, was twisted and used to destroy communities. I am angry because this is just adding to the divide some of us were working to mend. I am angry because protesting violence with violence only leads to more death and destruction. I am angry because I saw first hand how quickly a protest with such meaning and support was turned into careless acts of crime and crime alone.

To the protesters, thank you for standing up and speaking out.

However, last night when the sun went away so did the protesters. Last night was not about George Floyd or Black Lives Matter.

Looting the mall, jewelry stores, cell phone stores, atms, and setting businesses on fire, etc. isn’t about any of that. That’s crime people are attempting to justify by throwing a cause over it. That is using a situation which could have been used so easily to bring people together, for the agenda of stealing and destruction.

If you want to know what last night in Tampa was like, watch The Purge - with a little less murder and a whole lot more destruction.

Man the difference a year can make. I thought 2019 was going to be “my year” and I guess in a sense it was.

I’ve come a long way from just looking for love just because I wanted love.. not necessarily because it was right. But I’ve learned, I’ve grown, and I know what I need and what I deserve.

Having my ceiling collapse tested my ability to handle the stress, but I didn’t let that swing me back into my depression.

Made some impulse decisions to remind me to live a little.

I’ve been decently consistent with going to the gym and feeling better on the inside and out.

Laughing because you think you can hit me with the same excuses and I’m going to come running back

🎶 Boo’d Up - Ella Mai 👻

Looking back and knowing how bad life seemed, how sad I was, and how empty I felt hits even harder.

Looking back and knowing that sometimes life is going to feel exactly how it did back then definitely hits the hardest.

It’s fine to look back, but only for a second because you need to turn around and see where you’re going. Trust the process, enjoy the journey, and always remember everything happens for a reason.