🕊ㅡK

i smoke. i found out he hates cigarettes. i had him put the cigarette out on my wrist. i think i fell in love with him again.

saw a picture of him and felt sick to my stomach. every time i see him, i want to vomit from how fast my heart starts to beat. i need him more than oxygen.

genuine question. how do i start a conversation with him without feeling like i am about to die? i want to talk to him so bad, we have so many things in common, but i don't know how to approach him - let alone how to do it without wanting to throw up from excitement.

i would love for him to ask me to do heinous things. mostly just because so he knows and is aware i would do those things if he asked me to, but also because of the underlying knowledge that he knows something about me nobody else does - he has power over me, he can hold it over me and remind me of how he can make me into a useless pup whenever he wants me to be one.

he hasn't talked to me once today, but that didn't stop me from mapping out everything he had done today, which wasn't a lot! i woke up extra early to follow him to his lectures, just floated around him for a little and wrote down everything he did :) i hope he appreciates it one day. one day, he will. he will, i know he will.

not being able to be around him 24/7 is going to kill me one day. i can't bare to see him with anybody else, i want to follow him into his lectures and never let him leave my sight, i want to stuff myself into his suitcases whenever he needs to leave the country, i want to give him a little gift with a camera so i can see everything he does even when he thinks i am not there, i want to be able to exist in his presence only and nobody else.