velvet e-book

the intake/weight aspect never affected my clarity or decision making and i fully believe that. it totally does for many, but for me the impulse, the ritual, doing things "well" kept me out of recovery, and probably will again someday because it's just so goddamn satisfying and also it's a mental illness lmao. i always always knew it was contradictory, blatantly anti-feminist, and causing me harm, i just couldn't find an alternative that made me feel the same way.

but an ED gave me a way to feel very much disciplined and working hard for many many years. it was a validating practice, a private one (until it wasn't), and i was largely praised (until i wasn't)

however--- I failed to recognize that recovery is also VERY hard, actually harder for most of us. if I need challenge, discipline, effort, recovery (for me) is actually the more daunting new experiment